Advice please?

ArdentBandicoot · 2023-05-12T23:09:54+00:00

I'm very sorry that you're in this tough situation, but you need to consider getting professional in person help. The internet can't do much if he's getting physically violent or threatening violence. This problem is beyond the scope of RPW.

I'm removing this thread.

StrangestUnicorn · 2023-05-12T02:51:11+00:00

Edit: OP, your latest comment reveals a lot of new information, and I no longer consider my original response relevant.

At risk of getting too theoretical, his behavior is a form of what is known in the field of evolutionary psychology as "mate retention tactic". Source: From vigilance to violence: Mate retention tactics in married couples.

David Buss has a book When Men Behave Badly: The Hidden Roots of Sexual Deception, Harassment, and Assault which covers violence as a form of male mate retention strategy, amongst other topics.

To summarize in short:

The need for male mate retention efforts are positively correlated with perceived probability of partner's infidelity. When a man cannot retain his partner by elevating his own mate value, he instead switches to lowering his partner's perceived mate value. On the extreme end, this happens in the form of domestic violence, which we know is often triggered by jealousy.

Your sexual history contributes to your problem in two ways:

It increases the perceived probability of infidelity, thus increasing his need for mate retention efforts.
It provides a convenient vector for attack, i.e. calling you a whore and lowering how you perceive your own mate value.

Your sexual history is a catalyst, but not a cause of your problem. The cause of his behavior is his own insecurity in the relationship, which manifests itself through a cost inflicting behavior as part of evolved male mating psychology.

This is such a complicated subject, and I do not have enough time to give you a fuller answer. This is a problem beyond the scope of RPW. And as much as I refrain from advising people to leave their partners, this is a situation where this is my first and only advice.

sunflowwerjpg · 2023-05-12T03:19:55+00:00

You deserve so much better.

I don’t know why women think RPW means that your man can do no wrong and treat you however he wants and you must submit and allow it. Nope, this is not, and will never be okay.

StructureNo3388 · 2023-05-12T05:27:00+00:00

Sounds like you need to plan a divorce. You are being emotionally abused by a spiteful deadbeat.

hangun_ · 2023-05-12T02:49:52+00:00

Re-read your post. You’re describing exactly the opposite type of man you deserve.

ivysaurah · 2023-05-12T10:41:51+00:00

Honestly, you having two girls young enough to not remember him is more reason to leave, not more reason to stay. RPW don’t advocate for continuing a marriage where abuse is present. Your girls will become targets eventually. Record his instability from here on out and stay away. The next time he is violent will need a police report. He may escalate. Stay safe.

youllknowwhenitstime · 2023-05-12T06:40:57+00:00

Edit: OP, you should update your original post with the info you revealed in your latest comment, namely, that you escalated a verbal fight to a physical one and he has stated there is another woman. The reply I wrote below was based on the op alone.

I really advise the folks having a knee-jerk reaction of "leave" to take a look at OP's post history for a more general background of her life and why she is asking about advice for this relationship, NOT advice on leaving. There are plenty of factors for why she might want to consider whether there's hope for her situation first. For starters, as long as there's no physical danger and the man wants to be in the picture, criteria which are satisfied here, I support any woman continuing to put effort into the relationship they have with their child's father.

Also, congratulations OP, it really sounds like you've turned yourself around a lot personally and from witnessing people in the situation you were in I know how hard that is! It is unfortunate your husband is not being a source of encouragement.

For your actual question:

- Have you read The Empowered Wife by Laura Doyle? Many of her techniques could be helpful in your situation. [Caveat: one I will advise against in this situation is using "ouch" when he says something hurtful - that is useful for situations where exposing your hurt is helpful, and this does not sound like a situation where that applies. Exiting the room without saying anything is probably the better response. You don't have to continue to submit yourself to insults, and exiting both stops further damage and makes sure you aren't tempted to respond in kind.] Her website and blog also have a lot of free material.

- Try a 6-month experiment, re: "I would love to be vulnerable and comfortable being submissive and letting him take control but I truly don't trust his judgement on things in life". The people with the knee-jerk "leave him" reactions are right about one thing: some kind of significant change needs to occur. One you can actually control is experimenting with doing exactly what you would love to do despite your (perhaps valid) fear. 6 months is not going to destroy things, even if he isn't always the best captain at the moment, but could substantially shift his sense of self and responsibility if you do choose to consistently be submissive and let him take control all the time. This would take a lot of discipline but could be the kind of drastic change that would turn the dynamic in your relationship around.

- I'm not saying that if you're "good enough" you can ensure he will change his modus operandi. That's ultimately a decision he has to make. It technically doesn't matter whether you're "really the problem" or not - regardless of how true or not that is, his behavior is always his choice. Similarly, your behavior is always your choice. Even if your imperfections are not causing the issue per se, correcting them will still ultimately help you, in whatever direction your life takes. And this can be anything from "eliminate speaking subtle criticisms" to "take more time for self-care and things that refresh you" to "improve sleep quality" to "start dressing more stylishly" to "find an exercise you enjoy". At the end of the day everyone, no matter their situation, should always be striving for some kind of improvement, for the sake of their own quality of life even if it's not a fix to a particular problem they're having. There really isn't such a thing as "stagnating" for humans - we're either moving forward or losing ground, not staying in the same place.

I'm just advising you to come at self-change from a perspective of "I can get more out of life", not a perspective of "maybe it's all my fault".

AutoModerator · 2023-05-12T02:23:22+00:00

Title: Advice please?

Full text: I've been with my husband for 3 years and before I met him I was on a rough and horrible path. I was in a drug feuled environment and normalized sleeping around. It's one of my biggest regrets even before I met my husband. It kills me.

But the thing is... My husband has held it over my head for the whole time we've been together. He's called me a whore too many times to count. If I don't agree with him; even when I said it's okay we can agree to disagree or I'll support his decision, he gets so angry and is awful to me. He loves the red pill movement and tells me idk how to be a real woman. I would love to be vulnerable and comfortable being submissive and letting him take control but I truly don't trust his judgement on things in life... We've been married two years, live with his family bc of culture even though it's been horrible. He hasn't held down a stable job for at least a year. As honestly he's kind of been mean to me for the 2 years and downright horrible in conflict. Other times he's always telling me things like I won't understand, I don't get it, Idk what I'm talking about. How do I change to be okay with being minimized all the time? Is there a litmus test for me to see if I'm really the problem? Something I'm doing?

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lilpepperoniz · 2023-05-12T09:04:49+00:00

Ladies this is why you should never reveal all the details of your past to your man. If you can get away with 2relationships say 2. If you can get away with 1 say that. But never go into details

Title	Advice please?
Author	techfairy
Upvotes	6
Comments	22
Date	May 12, 2023 2:23 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/13f7u8a/advice_please/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/advice-please.1219050 https://theredarchive.com/post/1219050

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