Advice wanted

GildedFirefly · 2023-10-27T18:55:34+00:00

You’re reading too much into everything he does and says. There aren’t any secret meanings or secret grudges. Those are things that other women may do but I’ve yet to see a man do them.

I’d focus on being quiet whenever you start thinking that he’s upset with you and calm yourself down. In the scenario you mentioned with your toddler, after he said “wipe him then”, you could’ve said “thank you. I hadn’t thought of that yet in this moment.” It completely diffuses the situation and shows appreciation towards him. It’s going to take time to train yourself to have a automatic response of gratitude rather than insecurity but it’ll get easier the more you practice.

It’s not on you to police his tone, what he says, or how he says things. He’s currently in a no-win situation where if he says nothing, he doesn’t care and if he does say something then his tone or whatever else he did is wrong. Stop the long conversations where you microanalyze and instead work on yourself to eliminate that.

flower_power_g1rl · 2023-10-28T06:38:38+00:00

Yes, my partner was like this for the first year. But, he changed, and is now so sweet and thoughtful in his words. Here's what I did:

You must wait a while before saying anything about it. Sometimes, some times passes, and you realize his words don't bother you anymore. If it still bothers you, wait a little more then softly tell him "When you said xyz, I know you meant well, nevertheless I wished you said it like abc."
Try to see the good side of him every time he says such things. Tell yourself, he is not harsh. He is a good partner to you. He does good things. He is just different from you. Likewise, you are not too sensitive. You two are just different. Neither of you need to change (although he can and might).
If he tells you you're sensitive or need to toughen up, tell him, "Every girl/woman wants to hear sweet words from her man. That's why romance is so addicting." This last point really convinced my bf. That's why his habit stuck until now. Sometimes he'll say something in a thoughtful way, and then he'll ask, "Girls need to be talked to like this, right?" I will say, "Right" and thank him for being thoughtful.
Set a personal example. Be extremely careful on your choices of words. Don't speak unless you have something respectful or sensitive to say. To him and to your son and friends in from of him.
Encourage him to meet his friends, especially his married friends who you know to choose thoughtful words. It could be he needs to meet with other men and he'll understand by himself what is the importance of speaking sweetly to your wife. If he's the type to talk about relationship problems with his friends, he might bring this up and learn from others.

My bf learned from his friends because he grew up without parents and with an abusive grandmother. It is not an excuse for the way he spoke. But, after my feelings were heard, he needed an extra push from outside to kick in the habit.

beforeigetcaught · 2023-10-27T17:41:14+00:00

It's not about swallowing your emotions. You're letting them play too big of a role in your life, making you overly sensitive. You need to get them under your control, not be controlled by them. You have to develop the ability to identify which emotions are worth hanging on to and which ones you should just let pass. Sure, you can talk to your husband about it and try to reach a consensus; that's good too. But you need to work on yourself, as well. Don't coddle yourself, and don't expect your husband to coddle you. It's not a good look.

Luscious-Grass · 2023-10-27T20:02:17+00:00

Yes, my husband is exactly like you described in your first paragraph. He takes excellent care of me and is nurturing even, but he is just very harsh with his tone of voice and at times words. Fortunately I even have his mom on my side with this and she reminds him he has to be softer in his tone. The best way I can describe him is that sometimes he sort of barks in what he perceives as even a sort of funny way, but for me it does not feel good.

All you can do is be true to yourself as it relates to his tone/words; if you want to withdraw because of how speaks to you, well, that's a natural consequence for him. You have the right to continue to say things like "ouch" or to express your genuine reaction.

You won't be successful in convincing him, so don't even bother. Just be true to yourself as above. Sometimes I say "I am going to go read by myself because I don't feel close to you after you talked to me that way" etc. It's not manipulation, it's just true! He'll say "oh come on!" but he does seem to get the picture and want to make it right with me in response.

Your path forward is going to be a combination of your learning to let it go and taking action as I stated above. It has gotten better in my marriage of almost 10 years, but it's not like my husband had a personality change. I focus more on his good qualities, of which there are many, and that seems to help, too.

youllknowwhenitstime · 2023-10-27T22:07:24+00:00

Weird question - what kind of family did you grow up in? What kind did he?

I'm not sure if this will match your situation or not, but it reminds me of the emotional maturity differences between my family and my husband's family. I grew up in a household where there was a lot of passive-aggressiveness and ill intent, consequently leading to a lot of tone-policing. A comment like, "Well, wipe him!" would absolutely mean war in that household. My sister is now the kind of person who takes offense easily and is convinced everyone around her could mean something offensive at any moment, and I've watched her nuke a few friendships because she assumed ill intent in minor conflicts that almost certainly weren't actually there.

Now the flipside: my husband grew up in a family where, well, people could just say things and no one took offense and everyone knew they were all on each other's team because they constantly proved it with their actions. It was quite a relief to step into that. "Well, wipe him!" would get taken at face value, with no assumptions of intended criticism. It was like I now had freedom to not assume the worst of everyone, because no one meant the worst! But every now and then I'll have the thought of, "Wow, my sister would absolutely melt down if she were in this situation" because everyone is so much more casual. There are no verbal placating dances. Everyone is expected to moderate their own emotional response.

Is that off the mark or does it sound like a possible explanation for what's going on?

ArkNemesis00 · 2023-10-28T22:36:43+00:00

When I read your post, I think of that whole thing where men are problem-solvers and women want to feel understood/listened to/empathized with.

My take on this is that when you shared "his lip is bleeding", your husband heard the problem as "my sons lip is bleeding", and solved that issue with a practical solution.

I believe if you said something that stated the problem as emotional instead of physical, "our son is feeling scared, he fell down", the solution your husband might have come up with to this psychological issue might've been a hug or calming words.

I think you should try to spell things out for him a bit more. Sentences like "I'm feeling insecure/needy, can I have a hug?" can be helpful in explaining to him what the problem is and what he can do to make it better.

AutoModerator · 2023-10-27T17:20:49+00:00

Title: Advice wanted

Full text: does anyone have partners who are very good at taking care of you with their actions but have harsh moments with their words?

I’m a SAHM and I deal with feelings of inadequacy that make me sensitive and like I’m being criticized. My husband can have a harsh tone of voice, but he denies this and acts dumbfounded when we get into conversations about my feelings.

It’s a cycle where I feel insecure because of something he says, but no matter how I try to bring it up he feels it’s unfair to burden him with conversations about my feelings. He will assure me we are on the same team and I just “shouldn’t take things that way” but I cannot stop myself from taking things personally.

Here is an example. My toddler knocked his face on a toy and bit his lip. I picked him up and was consoling him as he was crying hard. I told my husband his lip was bleeding a bit ( wasn’t dripping on his face or anything)

After a few seconds my hugsband hastily says, “Well, wipe him!”. He said it in a tone of voice that made me feel like he meant “What are you doing? Why aren’t you wiping his cut? “

Because I interpreted it this way, my reaction was a stressed out, “don’t be like that”.

Later, he asked what was wrong. I explained I had just been focussed on consoling our kid, so what he was concerned about hadn’t occurred to me yet. I suggested in this situation he should step in and bring me a cloth if he wants the cut wiped right away. Because the way he was talking sounded critical.

After that we got into a long conversation, and he is basically dumbfounded, that we are talking about my feelings again. He tells me to be stronger because I should know we were on the same team. If we weren’t, why would he be working so hard to give me and the baby a nice life. He thinks it’s unfair to ask him to pay attention to how his tone of voice is because if he censors himself he isn’t being real with me. A further problem is he becomes quite commanding during these conversations because he hates having them.

I see his point of view too. But I still can’t stop myself from feeling emotional and I’m not sure “toughening up” it’s some thing I want to do because that feels like I’m swallowing my emotion.

The outcome I want is for him to respond “oh shitt, I didn’t mean it that way” and then give me a hug. But I can’t seem to achieve this.

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Scared-Tea-8911 · 2023-10-30T16:31:49+00:00

We cannot “control” our emotions. Emotions happen to everyone, and are an unconscious reaction framed by events in our childhood/adult life, and can occur with no intent. We CAN control how we process our emotions, and how we choose to react to them. It sounds like you are struggling with some disregulation, and are externalizing your internal feelings of inadequacy onto basic things your husband is saying.

Your husband may have been distressed and upset too, to see his precious child with a cut lip, and wanted to jump ahead to the solution for his injury instead of just comforting the child! It may be best to consider that, before you make a snippy comment, to take a few deep breaths and let any hard situations get resolved first. If it’s still a big deal to you in 20 mins, it may be worth a calm conversation… but if not, sometimes it’s best to just let things go, or to release your anxiety internally. If he’s not doing other things that say he thinks you are inadequate, it may be best to just chalk it up to “men are typically subpar communicators and don’t always express their feelings in a healthy way.”

AutoModerator · 2023-10-31T12:26:30+00:00