Asking for compliments

PhantomDream09 · 2014-08-14T23:44:15+00:00

Asking for compliments defeats the entire purpose a compliment is supposed to serve. They are meant to be given when a person deserves them, and has done something exceptional, they are verbal gifts, sometimes given by a loved one, and sometimes by a friendly stranger. It's disgraceful to ask for validation, because you immediately make the other person the "villain" for not complying. The only way to 'win' is to give the person what they want, it's forced flattery and it's repulsive.

The-Pussy-Whisperer · 2014-08-15T01:32:41+00:00

"Something nice."

sierrasecho · 2014-08-15T02:42:46+00:00

Even in BP parlance, this is "fishing for compliments" and is abhorred by all men.

A "compliment" asked for in such a manner is not only a shit-test, but is also completely non-genuine if received. A genuine compliment feels good, partly for their relative rarity, mostly for the sentiment expressed. You're forcing it. Does it appease you when you do this, or does it feel hollow? It's like sugar, giving you a momentary high, but the crash is worse later and you crave your next hit.

Not all men communicate in the same way as women. Most women are more verbal and "words of affirmation" are important to us, but are not as much to most men. Men are far more likely to express themselves through their actions than words.

Also, it makes you look insecure and needy, that you require external validation for your self-worth. Most women who do this appear to ask for SEXUAL compliments (beautiful, sexy, hot) and not that they are kind, a good friend or a really good at baking cookies. It's the couple equivalent of posting bikini shots on Instagram - tacky and just looking for validation.

And finally from a purely selfish point of view, a man is likely to cut back on the real compliments if you keep asking for fake ones. It may even be enough to push him away with your insecurity.

Just don't.

Edit: look at /u/homo_homini_lupus post. This all still applies, but the main thing is it is a shit test, with you trying to control what a man does.

2014-08-14T23:31:26+00:00

It's a "shit test" or "compliance test". It's an attempt by the woman to force her will on the man and see if he'll submit to her or hold his frame. If he submits repeatedly to such shit-tests she'll lose more and more respect for him. That's why the best answer to "do I look fat in this?" is something that doesn't validate her, but teases her while saying "yes".

When a woman's need for validation and submission are met, she loses interest in and respect for the man.

FleetingWish · 2014-08-15T03:36:14+00:00

"say something nice to me,"

This is a bad idea for a few reasons.

First because if her SO complies, the compliment is meaningless. Think about it, what she really wants is validation. If she says "say something nice" and he says "your hair is pretty", she doesn't actually feel better about herself, because he said it due to her provoking him. A compliment given this way is hallow because she doesn't know if the motivation was because she asked him, or because he actually feels that way. It's a worthless complement.

Second it devalues future complements. It doesn't just make the current complement meaningless, it also affects all complements he gives from then on. Every complement a woman gets goes through a filter that asks "is he saying this because he actually feels this way or is he saying this because he feels like he has to". If she has experience with him complimenting her because she wanted it in the past, she has no reason to suspect that this compliment might be true. Then her brain goes "oh no, the compliment didn't work" and her hamster goes "I'm still not confident, he must not be complimenting me enough/adequately enough/etc. I need to tell him to give me compliments more often." And thus a vicious cycle continues.

Third, it devalues her man. This is a direct order. "You do this." If she is not the captain, she doesn't give this the orders. If her man follows her orders, it shows that he is obeying her, and thus making him a beta. Ordering men around will make her less attracted to them.

If you are feeling unconfident, instead of telling a man the solution you've determined to the problem (I'm feeling bad about myself, therefore the solution is I'm not getting enough complements), tell him the problem. "I'm feeling bad about myself." This is a perfect way to phrase the problem to notify your captain that you're having a problem, without telling him the solution to the problem. This allows him to determine what the appropriate course of action is to fix the problem, and the answer he comes up with may not be a compliment. He may decide that a compliment wouldn't help you because you haven't earned it, and instead what you should do is hit the gym. Then once you've gone for a few weeks, he'll compliment you so that you feel that the complement has been earned.

TheTerrorSquad · 2014-08-14T23:37:42+00:00

"say something nice to me"

woe betide you say the wrong thing

Mrswhiskers · 2014-08-15T06:39:16+00:00

I suppose it's technically not manipulation as she is asking directly for what she wants. But it's a shitty thing to do. It's the same thing as going up to a comedian in a normal setting and saying "Say something funny". People can't just pull genuine feelings such as complements out of their ass on demand. You want complements? Do something that someone would complement you on. Everything feels better when it's earned instead of a freebee.

heeb · 2014-08-15T07:56:00+00:00

Instead of asking for validation, why not say something nice to your man instead? He might return the favour, maybe not in that instant, maybe an hour later, or a day later or a week later; it doesn't matter. Or maybe he'll just give you the good pounding you've been craving for all day.

This way it's spontaneous, real, and feels good for both parties.

RP doesn't ask. RP does.

paspartuu · 2014-08-15T08:37:56+00:00

I would think it depends a lot on how one says it and what one expects to hear. And does the nice thing has to be a compliment? Depending on the situation, can't it be something like "You're gonna be okay and everything will work out, hang in there, I like you"?

I don't think it's manipulation, it's a direct request for comforting. Maybe that's in the ear of the listener though, maybe I'm interpreting the whole thing wrong.

I sort of do the same thing with hugs, occasionally if I feel tired or overwhelmed or down, I may ask my friends or family for a hug, because I feel like I really need it at that moment and it gives me comfort. I don't think this is manipulation. I think in a long-term relationship one should be ready to give the other support and comfort and understanding if they need it and receive it, of course). If your significant other happens to have a miserable day and is in need of some kindness, it seems really calculating and cold to deny it just because nice things ought to be said unprompted.

Of course the nice thing wouldn't be as "valuable" as something said out of the spur of the moment, but if it functions like a comforting backrub when the other is aching, why not?

(And of course, in case it's really just "tell me I look beautiful" and not "i really need a bit of kindness now" at all, it's an entirely different thing.)

Butimdifferent · 2014-08-15T16:57:10+00:00

As a man, things like this do something to me when I hear them. They give me an uncomfortable twitch in my core because it is the equivalent of taking a big shovel full of horseshit I don't want and throwing it on me.

Something related that my girl does is when she sees something that SHE wants to do/eat/play etc. she will ask me "Do you want to do X?". It is such a loaded question that makes me have to play good cop bad cop. If I say yes, I'm most likely doing something I don't want to do. If I say no, I'm the bad guy and I don't want to share experiences with her and now she can't do whatever she wanted to do in the first place. It is setup in such a way that nobody wins.

If she was honest with her desires from the beginning, it wouldn't put me in a spot I don't want to be in and put her in a position I am more receptive to.

gabilromariz · 2014-08-15T18:10:34+00:00

I think this would work much better if she's even MORE open and honest about what's really going on. Something like coming up to your man and saying "I'm feeling a little down, can you give me a hug?" is much more effective. You communicate your mood, make a small easy request and let him know he makes you feel better

Katniss_Granger · 2014-08-17T00:08:54+00:00

I think this is something that depends on the individual relationship. Some will consider it fishing for compliments, some will say any compliment received will be insincere. I'll usually ask something specific "is my hair looking okay?" "is this dress too much" and I like that he will be totally honest and sometimes he will say "it's not the best" or "it's not the most flattering" and I appreciate that, I like to know when I could be looking better to him.

I'd never just say "tell me something nice" that just sounds like a trap, it's puts him in an awkward position of not knowing what I want him to say.

But again...it's down the individual I think, there's a difference between wanting advice/ a little bit of a boost when your feeling down and being insecure to the point of being a burden.

TheMightyAnusFlap · 2014-08-18T19:47:39+00:00

She's just being straightforward, which is actually better than what most women do. Any relationship I enter into with a woman, I have to remember that her mind is just feeble and relies entirely on validation to keep her running without going batshit. Generally I avoid compliments, as they are beta and I'm not monogamous with anyone, but I suppose if I was beta enough to marry someone I'd also be beta enough to give a compliment here and there. But you must maintain frame.

Title	Asking for compliments
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	15
Comments	19
Date	August 14, 2014 11:25 PM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/2dl51y/asking_for_compliments/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/asking-for-compliments.165676 https://theredarchive.com/post/165676

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