Considering moving in before engagement

oliveshoot · 2022-05-17T20:47:04+00:00

How long do you want to be engaged? Living together makes a man less hasty to commit. The details of managing a home life together only seem to make the dating/engagement season more ordinary and less exciting. You want his commitment, and men are gatekeepers of that. The neat things about living together wane in excitement fairly quickly. And if you have disagreements about all the domestic details, it might suck the fun out of falling in love. Everyone, whether married or living together, seems to have to work out the kinks of household stuff, and it gets on at least one nerve. Plus if you are married when you live together, then the specialness of building a home life and sprucing up the house is just more fun, IMHO. You also don’t feel like you’re being critiqued as a contender for marriage when you are trying to build your RMV and domestic skills right in front of him because you would already have his commitment. It makes it calm, and you can actually begin to make big plans together for your whole life when the marriage is secure.

Marissa_Smiles · 2022-05-17T21:10:13+00:00

I would wait to move in. If you’re correct and a proposal is right around the corner than you won’t have long to wait! If you were married living together you are equally invested in your shared future. If you are both single and you are giving up a place to move into a house he owns, what does that mean for the finances? And will you have a tenant agreement? As he is technically your landlord and can ask you to leave at anytime. I married young(22) and I felt comfortable doing that, moving 3000 mi from family and giving up career. But I wouldn’t have done so If we weren’t already engaged when he accepted the position. Do what you feel best works for you both. But maybe have a emergency plan.

TheBunk_TB · 2022-05-18T13:24:13+00:00

Pro tip: Don't

A hint of a proposal is not an engagement.

Liken this to being "half way pregnant". Either you are or you aren't

In the man's world, this is the equivalent of a super model gf. It doesn't exist until you get your arm around the lady.

yourbadformylungs · 2022-05-18T02:17:26+00:00

I can understand not wanting to move across the country without some serious level of commitment like an engagement. I’m sure theres plenty to consider regarding what things might keep tied to your current area, like a job or family of your own but you didn’t go into too much detail there.

How long is he going to be living in state? I agree with other commenters, it might be a great opportunity to live with him closer to home to see if you really want to take the next step forward by living with him outside of state, or let alone be married to him in the first place.

I’ve been with my bf for a year and a half. We wouldn’t have moved in if I wasn’t serious about him. We moved in together three months into dating because it was financially the right decision for us and we had little to no issues compatibility wise after having some pretty serious discussions so early on. Plus, I ended up staying at his house a lot or him at mine driving back and forth anyway so moving in just seemed like the right decision.

After moving in, we’ve continued to talk of marriage and children frequently and although I am not yet engaged, I would expect a proposal within a few months and he’s already said we will be married next year by at least January. We both feel we’ve made an excellent decision taking the next step moving in together and any issues we’ve had have been relatively minor and we’ve worked through them effectively. I also get to live in a house to ourselves and not pay rent.

I personally would rather move passed the ‘honeymoon’ phase before marriage to see what my partner will be like after all the feelings of excitement have somewhat simmered down. I want to be able to work through all the things married couple do like sex, moving in, talking about serious topics, and making adult decisions together as a unit so I can see before hand what the situation will be like for the rest of my life in a marriage. I’m looking to see that there will be a sure probability of peace and happiness for years to come even after all the excitement our new relationship has surpassed.

For me, the dating phase is used as a trial period to test whether or not we both want to commit or not. And no, I don’t mean testing in an insecure way like ‘oh I want to set them up to see if they cheat’ although, as any reasonable adult looking to commit should, I want to be able to see for sure that this person I am looking to commit to for life is for sure the right person for me. In order to gauge whether or not I can really trust my captain to be my partner for life, I need to put myself in the position to build that trust.

I will say, the downside to living together before marriage is that if things to go south, it might be harder to leave because the two of you have already settled in so comfortably. I would most certainly recommend not making any major purchase together like houses or vehicles until marriage.

I would also not recommend staying in a dating period or living together unmarried for too long, if he draws thing out for too long, I’d look into leaving. I wouldn’t nag him about it but I would definitely have discussions with him from time to time about expectations regarding time lines for the two of you regarding marriage and seeking further commitment like having say in more decisions (like budgeting together) because the trial has to end as some point. Also some women want to have a baby and waiting to long in limbo can be risk especially the older you are, and consider that if this relationship doesn’t work out, it’ll be even riskier to wait and risk screwing up in the next relationship.

Anyways I’d continue working, split chores and have funds of your own while you living together unmarried. I wouldn’t recommend living the housewife life (house chores and no job) until you are married. Call me a hypocrite but I don’t take my own advice in regards to this subject, I stay home and do all the chores unmarried. I was in school but recently graduated a few months ago with a bachelors degree. I would work but I do love staying a home taking care of the house and my dog so much. In my own defense, I’m extremely sure we will be happily married soon, so I’m not too worried. Also I was in school full time just a few months ago so its not like my resume is blank if we don’t work out soon.

Anyways, the timeline for marriage and moving in together is different for everyone, but I personally wouldn’t commit to a guy for life without living with him for at least a year.

Some people believe living together before marriage is a complete no go for various reasons as other commenters have mentioned. In some cases living together before marriage may go against certain peoples religion. Theres no concrete answer, you could make an argument for either case, living together before marriage or not. I’ve seen some people who were extremely happy with their decision to wait to move in, etc, and others who have regrets.

I think you should think about how you would like to approach this issue, then sit down with your captain and bring up your concerns. Trust him to take your valid concerns into consideration.

marcelmarceau1972 · 2022-05-18T16:23:11+00:00

I'd let him come up with good solutions for your preferences. Remember men are solvers. I know financial realities, but in many areas you have to take a step back and try and do how you really want it.

- Moving that far IS a motivation for him to propose. I'm sure he'll solve it by proposing. You already expressed your position, I'd only ASSUME it's going to be before, and if it comes up just reinforce it the same perfect way you did it ("I don’t think I could move across the country with a man if I wasn’t at least engaged to him").

- Also, I'd say let him solve the 'risks' of moving you. Tell him: "hey, I don't think things will go wrong, certainly I'll do my best for them to not go wrong, but I'd hate being stuck that far if something bad happens". If I was him, I'd say: "no problem, we can get you a fly back with flexible dates ... you have to travel at some point while wedding planning anyway!". He will grow from these experiences. Don't think you are asking too much; if it helps, imagine what you'd do for your daughter and I'm sure if you send her to study and there's an issue, you won't hesitate paying whatever is needed to take her back.

- Again, I'm far from being financially rich, but any situations you have, let him participate and he'll grow in those solutions; it's part of manhood. What I'd try, in your situation, is to still not officially move until the wedding. You could spend each other month with him, or something like that.

Each time has its great memories, and most of our memories come from solving TOGETHER the situations. Although it's great to know how the person reacts to every situation, in the end you focus on the basics of how he approaches things (does he take you into account? how does he handle differences with you? how does he act when he is happy/mad?). Many things do not make financial sense (children, marriage) but they are fantastic when you live them as you like. And for him, part of the growing is thinking how to solve things for both.

By the way, businesses consider many of these expenses. One of my first 'tests' of thinking as a couple was when I took a project that would keep me away from her three weeks. I was very explicit of my situation, and then life came and ... another project came. I said it was great but I needed to go back. What did they do? They flew her and we have the greatest of memories.

For the way you write it looks like you are in a good relationship. Best wishes!

sugarplumsunset · 2022-05-18T17:48:26+00:00

I hate to say it, but there is a reason most of these responses are encouraging you to wait for an engagement. But ultimately you will have to decide what’s right for you and your relationship.

I’m in a long term relationship currently. I have always been super open with my boyfriend that I do not want to live with a man unless I’m engaged. He understood that. He ended up buying land and building a house and asking me to move in. I brought up what I had mentioned in the past and told him I only wanted to live with a man once. He assured me that he saw an engagement in our future and understood my concerns. I didn’t state it as an ultimatum, but I did say if we weren’t engaged within a year I would need to seriously reconsider things. This was over a year ago. I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt because building a house is expensive. Yes we still have talks about getting engaged. But I’m also at the point where I have to stand by the boundaries I’ve set for myself, and I really have to consider if I am going to stay in the relationship if an engagement doesn’t happen soon.

It would be so much easier for me to break things off if we weren’t living together. Now if we break up (which I genuinely hope we don’t) it is going to be absolutely devastating and that much more heartbreaking.

This is just my experience though. It could work for you. I absolutely wouldn’t move across the country without an engagement. I don’t think 6 months or however long you’d be living together in your current town will make or break you. But there is the potential of him becoming comfortable and being less in a hurry to propose. It will also make a break up much harder.

Living together will also reveal things about both of you… which is a good and bad thing. This is why some argue it’s good to see if you can make it through this phase together before getting married. And also why others argue you should wait for the commitment… because no matter how in love you are, it is HARD and it is an adjustment period.

sunglasses90 · 2022-05-17T20:27:33+00:00

I moved in and we got engaged shortly after. I think it’s fine. It sets expectations and you can get into a groove of everyday life before marriage to see if it’s even possible for this to work. We have a routine. We have certain chores we’re assigned primarily and we help each other when needed. I’d rather know before marriage if we can live together harmoniously and be a good team.

Make sure you have a back up plan though. You both are young and moving a little quickly moving away from friends and family could be messy. Have some personal savings for an emergency. Trusting him is 100% fine but he’s also only 26. Just be careful and watchful and really make sure that you both have this all figured out. Some people are a lot of talk and not a lot of action. Talk is meaningless.

Jenneapolis · 2022-05-17T21:44:41+00:00

It seems you have an “in” to discuss the out of state move and proposal since he asked you to move in with him locally. Ask yourself what you would do if you made move #1 and the proposal, and therefore move #2, didn’t happen. Where would you live even? Logistically I would need to know and I wouldn’t move in locally unless I was ok taking the risk that proposal and move #2 didn’t happen (so I wouldn’t).

breadcake5245 · 2022-05-18T14:40:02+00:00

You’re right to set this boundary. I didn’t live with my husband until one month before the wedding. I wish I had waited until after the wedding too. My husband was very marriage minded and didn’t delay to propose. I was not shy about telling him I wanted to get engaged/married, so there was no confusion on his part. Definitely make it known to him that you need a proposal before moving! And stick to it. If it’s important to him to be with you, he will honor this. If not, don’t waste any more child bearing years on him.

Title	Considering moving in before engagement
Author	sweetdovely
Upvotes	12
Comments	14
Date	May 17, 2022 7:55 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/urutpx/considering_moving_in_before_engagement/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/considering-moving-in-before-engagement.1119576 https://theredarchive.com/post/1119576

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