Dealing with anxious attachment style?

MirriMazDuur · 2020-09-16T05:09:41+00:00

In Cognitive Behavioural Therapy you learn to replace your worrysome thoughts with other thoughts which soothe you. Sometimes simply saying "this is irrational" doesn't work! For example, I respond well if I ridicule my anxiety, something along the lines of "Yeah, sure, he didn't text back because he's with five hot strippers at a bachelor party!". You need to find something that works for you!

The first step in this is to keep a thought diary. Make a table and note ALL of your anxious thoughts, their intensity, the date and time and, very importantly, what exactly happened that triggered those thoughts. After a week or two, look at that diary and analyse the patterns that you'll oberve, see what exactly triggers that anxiety and try to ask yourself why and eventually you will figure what you have to say to yourself to calm down. At the bottom of this page https://www.iwanttochangemylife.org/cbt/cognitive-behavioral-therapy-guide.htm there is a worksheet with examples of how to do all of this.

PS: I was recommended CBT for my anxiety by a psychiatrist, so it definetly not blowing smoke

allispanked · 2020-09-16T05:26:26+00:00

I struggle with the same thing. The most helpful thing for me has been to keep a list on my phone of all the things my boyfriend does that show me how much he cares. When I’m feeling anxious and worried for no reason I fall back onto this list and think about all the ways he shows me that we’re committed. The list ranges from the sweet things to the silly things to the big things. Even if you don’t make a list, just try to focus on the ways he’s showed you lately that he loves you. The cycle of anxiety, reminding myself that he is a good man who communicates when there’s a problem, reminding myself of the things he’s done to show me he cares, and then being affirmed by his words/actions/affection the next time I see or hear from him helps me trust him more in general. DM me if you wanna talk more! I’ve really been struggling with this recently too, I actually just posted about it on r/relationship_advice yesterday haha

2020-09-16T06:48:29+00:00

You’re not alone.

I did the quiz and it turns out I have the secure attachment style but I also lean on the anxious attachment style.

It’s tough because while I like my alone time and give my boyfriend alone time, and time to hang out with his friends. I still feel anxious when I know he’s getting to know a female friend or spending time alone with said friend. I do trust him, and I know he won’t cheat. But for some reason I get a bad gut feeling. It’s almost like I have an anxiety attack that last few seconds then comes back after I have the same worrying thought.

I’m trying to work on it because I realised that if I keep being insecure or jealous for no good reason then it will affect my relationship. I’ve gradually learnt not to care if he hangs out with other women.

If he does cheat on me then it’s his loss, I wouldn’t want to be with a cheater. If he gradually falls out of love then it wasn’t meant to be.

I’ve read something a while ago that still resonates with me:

“The right person won’t leave. They won’t lose interest. They won’t move on to someone else. If they end up leaving it means they were never the right person for you”

1mjusthappytobehere · 2020-09-16T04:35:51+00:00

I definitely can relate.! It happens to me as well. Im so close to my boyfriend.(we’ve been living together for a yr now) and im on the same boat.! At first i was so confident and after a few yrs of dating. Especially after living together, i began feeling so insecure/jealous at some points.. Im always apologizing for it because im not the insecure/toxic kinda girl..Not saying he’s a bad person or has messed with my insecurities. ..but when you deeply care for someone, anything they do/say can effect you&your feelings. Honestly. I vent out to close friends or take some time to myself.. take a walk, go for a run, go for drive. I always hype myself up like”wth you crying for.. “. The key is to not take many things personal. Most of the time, guys..men..boys will be boys haha.

Ms_Sommersby · 2020-09-16T13:28:22+00:00

Read the book "Attached" by Amir Levine.

rustybench · 2020-09-16T15:17:06+00:00

Hah, totally with you sister. I have been doing a lot of work/healing related to this and the podcast Attached to the Invisible was really helpful to me in making connections between my attachment style and my (Christian) faith, and healing things from there. Also recommend the book Women Who Love Too Much.

lavachequirie · 2020-09-16T07:13:25+00:00

Hi! I’ve experienced this as well. I think this is a bit above Reddit’s pay grade. A counsellor our therapist can help with anxiety, attachment, and intense insecurity. What I can say is that you’re not alone, and many women feel the same way you do! It can be worked on over time until you’re in a healthier place. You got this 😊

xosomeblonde · 2020-09-17T16:21:50+00:00

Self-care, self-care, self-care. The more you take care of yourself, the less time you have to worry about what he's doing (or not doing).

It's made a big difference for me, and I have a BAD anxious attachment style. Like... really freaking bad.

Self-care is the cure.

After self-care, there's:

Boundaries. Know where you start and he begins. Stop focusing on his "stuff" and pay attention to yours.
Therapy can help a lot. I didn't do well with CBT, but my attachment style came from trauma, so trauma-focused therapy (such as rescripting) helped me a ton.
Getting clear on what I wanted. I realized that I didn't want him to tell me he loved me because I asked him to, I wanted him to just do it. And once I realized what I truly wanted, it made it easier for me to relax and allow him to either give me what I wanted, or not... he did not disappoint. The more I relax, the more his love and affection comes out (which, again, is what I actually want!).
The book Codependent No More was great. It's about codependency, yes, but that goes hand in hand with anxious attachment style. I highly recommend it.
Steal the redpill approach of "agree and amplify" but to yourself. It's weird, but it's worked for me. Example, if my brain says "he's not answering, he must not love me anymore!" I'll answer with "definitely not, he probably skipped out of town and is heading to Guam. I mean, what else could him not answering for twenty minutes while at work mean?" It's goofy but it works.

I'll probably think of more things but I'm happy to answer questions you have! I've become a pro at dealing with this even though I definitely still struggle. Some days are easier than others! You got this!

Title	Dealing with anxious attachment style?
Author	LucetteVanVeen
Upvotes	59
Comments	14
Date	September 16, 2020 3:50 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/ito8lw/dealing_with_anxious_attachment_style/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/dealing-with-anxious-attachment-style.213345 https://theredarchive.com/post/213345

Comments