Disciplining Children

pigghenuette12 · 2018-11-12T12:58:23+00:00

I’m going to recommend some YouTube videos by a kind of controversial YouTube personality, but his videos on parenting are from his younger less inflammatory days and I found them very well thought out and agree with them completely. Search YouTube for Stefan Molyneux’s parenting videos (which are from years ago at this point), basically he advocates treating children with respect without losing the “firm hand”, but also explains why spanking is shown to be harmful to development and some philosophical reasons as to why you should not. I know spanking is a really hot ticket subject so I’m hoping he can explain it better than me!

Zegiknie · 2018-11-12T15:47:45+00:00

Spanking is an adult thing.

Discipline is about LEARNING something, and it's been clearly proven that memory works better when kids feel happy. Kids need to feel safe, and spanking just increases their stress. A child with a secure attachment* to their caregiver only acts out for a few reasons.

Overload - emotional or physical, after a rough day or when they're tired.
Testing boundaries.

In case number 1, it's either a matter of immaturity and ignorance - then the solution is to teach them how to express themselves better, and teach then self-care. Or it is because they simply cannot live up to your expectations anymore. Then you need to ease up on them and give them time to rest.

In case number 2, they do it because having a sense of what to expect makes them feel safe. Spanking has the opposite effect. So there you just need to remain cool and give logical consequences ("if you act like this then I'm not enjoying myself, so I want to go home now").

I like RPW because it's about realism. And evidence-based parenting would exclude spanking. So no spanking for the kids!

We always ALWAYS follow through with stated consequences, even at detriment to ourselves. Not emptying their plate? That's tomorrows breakfast. And lunch, if they don't eat it in the morning.

Lots of positive reinforcement and family activities (we homeschool). And calling things by name early - mention pain when they feel it, and they will understand early on why you don't want that brick in your face. And as loneliness-inc said: we apologize when we're in the wrong ourselves.

I strongly believe in setting an example - kids will copy you whatever you tell them.

*Long before attachment parenting became a thing, the original research found most children to be securely attached. While I think babywearing is super convenient and breastfeeding past the age of 1 has many benefits (lower chance of breastcancer, keeping periods at bay as long as possible, knowing kid is getting more nutrients), and cosleeping is nicer than getting out of bed at night, I don't think attachment parenting is needful per se. Just be nice and give 'em attention.

thatbadlarry · 2018-11-12T16:45:38+00:00

I was spanked as a child and it awakened sexual feelings in me far earlier than they should be. It was incredibly confusing for me and really messed me up. It also taught me to lie and be sneaky. We don’t spank in our house and our kids are kind and (almost always) well behaved.

okayestwifey · 2018-11-12T19:00:39+00:00

We don't spank for several reasons, but the most obvious one is that I was spanked as a child, and it didn't work. All it did was make me stupidly brave and defiant and it meant that literally no punishment was enough for me to behave myself. I was afraid of nothing from my parents, and thought less of them for being unable to make their point without getting physical, even from a very young age.

With my kids, we use a lot of natural consequences, and those also teach your kid to trust you and your guidance. We always point out our reasons for what we want them to do, when we can. When there's no time and it's just a "JUST DO AS I SAY" moment, we often explain later. Giving them a good example works better than "because i said so," and it actually teaches them how to live and be people.

bluethreads · 2018-11-12T15:00:19+00:00

There is a lot of research now on long term affects of various forms of discipline on children. If you want to really know the outcomes of various parenting practices and their long term influences. I'd suggest doing a search on google scholar.

I came from a very strict home and reading the research has made me do a 180 on my personal views of what constitutes as good parenting.

RubyWooToo · 2018-11-13T01:55:40+00:00

My Dad never spanked me because he didn’t want me to grow up thinking it would ever be right for another man to lay his hands on me. That’s the lesson I want to continue for my daughter.

Similarly, I don’t want to raise my son to be the kind of man to use violence to coerce or assert his authority on another person.

Ededde · 2018-11-13T03:50:35+00:00

Only spank your kids if you want them to turn out fucked up. https://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/pages/Spanking-Linked-to-Mental-Illness.aspx

AnarchoNAP · 2018-11-12T18:04:00+00:00

Being beaten randomly never taught me to respect rules, if anything it taught me to hide, and it was counterproductive to any communication that might have otherwise occurred.

I honestly don’t believe that the majority of people hit their kids in a cool and calculated manner where the kid knows x= being hit; y= ok.

I plan to rely mainly on natural consequences. If an adult is throwing a tantrum I wouldn’t give them the candy, but neither would I kick their ass. If an adult is yelling at me I wouldn’t play with them, but neither would I kick their ass. If an adult was incompetent and ran into the street, I would stop them, but I wouldn’t kick their ass.

subgirl182 · 2018-11-13T20:50:35+00:00

I don't spank, never have, never been spanked myself, it just doesn't come up in my mind as a required form of discipline. I'm generally a fan of natural consequences, it's just a natural thing I do. I parent very much by instinct, the kids haven't read the manuals lol. I've never had need to physically discipline mine, they are good kids :) x

PHOENIX_THE_JEAN · 2018-11-12T16:30:20+00:00

I can tell you the end result of beatings with a shoe, extension cords, and belts. They teach the child to fear confrontation. This is the #1 skill they teach your child. 100% of the beatings I received were one-sided and unfair. They were deserved, but one sided and unfair. I learned to be a punk. Got bullied, can't fight for shit. Collapse at the face of criticism, nervous, shy, and too quiet. Also learned to lie. The lies I was able to hide in my teens/20s would make the type of parent who would beat their child have a heart attack. My dad will die before he ever finds out that I had a boyfriend anyway, lost my virginity anyway, didn't major in biology, and didn't go to medical school. Dropped out of that major, smoke weed, drink alcohol, and major in something else to insult them every time. Every. TIME.

your child will spend their teens, 20s, 30s, 40s, in therapy trying to figure out how to be more assertive, how to say no, how to validate your feelings, how to manage negative thoughts. Through self-help and reading DOZENS of psychology books I've discovered that their upbringing probably made me into a psychopath or sociopath. I can never discuss this with a therapist or anyone, just work on defeating it quietly, alone.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO BEAT THEM TO A BLOODY PULP, AT LEAST TEACH THEM HOW TO HANDLE CONFLICT OR EXPOSE THEM TO EFFECTIVE COGNITIVE BEHAVIORAL THERAPY SO YOUR ABUSE CAN BE REVERSIBLE LATER IN LIFE.

loneliness-inc · 2018-11-12T15:15:23+00:00

Consistency, consistency, consistency.

Don't be afraid of tantrums. Don't ever change your mind because of tantrums.

Make up your mind, be decisive and stick with your decision unless there's good reason to change it. If there is a change, explain it to the child.

Counting to 5 works wonders because it's a clear defined goal.

Threaten to to do something and follow through with your threat.

If spanking is off the table, your kid will be a spoiled little shit. If you spank out of rage, because you lost it or because you don't know what else to do, they may resent you.

Allow them to make mistakes. Humans make mistakes.

Always forgive them as soon as they own their mistakes.

Once a matter is settled, never raise the issue again.

Put down your phone and get off the computer.

Listen to what they have to say, encourage questions, have discussions with them.

Boys are energetic and often wild. Give him constructive outlets for this. Don't shame him for it. Don't force him to be docile like a girl.

Give consequences, don't punish.

Be affectionate.

Apologize when you did something wrong.

You're the boss, you aren't their friend.

Theendisnearornot · 2018-11-12T13:22:56+00:00

We used to spank. And really it can depend on the child. My oldest needed a firm warning with maybe a small spank and he’d never do “that thing” again. My younger son is incredibly willful and spanking never worked. In fact it did the opposite. On a unrelated note it actually cause a lot of marriage issues because we disagreed on it.

Now we do a combo of positive reinforcement, love & logic, and natural consequences. My 2nd child (the willful one I mentioned) gets incredibly over stimulated and sometimes we have to do more of a time out than anything else to get him calmed down.

With the 2 year old I do a lot of redirecting. With screaming/whining/demanding we do a lot of “okay, let’s try asking for that again with a nice voice or a big girl/boy voice “. My mom did have to swat her a little because as she was having her diaper changed she things it’s funny to kick as hard as she can and she was hurting my mom. But she’s not done it again and she still adores her grandma.

Now reading Jordan Peterson’s book he said a time out can have the same effects on the brain as a spank. I really like his chapter on discipline in the 12 Rules for Life.

curious_historian · 2018-11-12T14:43:35+00:00

Depends on child's personality. Personally I'm for spanking since you can't just sit down and talk it trough with the kid. Just don't mix it up. Don't follow up the spanking with hugs or sorries. That creates conflicting information, that you were wrong to do it and that it was thus unjustified which breeds resentment.

Title	Disciplining Children
Author	lilacrhi
Upvotes	14
Comments	17
Date	November 12, 2018 12:31 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/9wdmny/disciplining_children/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/disciplining-children.67824 https://theredarchive.com/post/67824

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