Divorced parents?

LawyerInTheMaking · 2019-04-24T15:43:39+00:00

Sure it’s possible for a guy with divorced parents to believe in love and marriage, it depends on how it has affected him (and his siblings). For example if it was something typical like frivorce (mom wasn’t haaapy but dad was great) then it could make him not want to get married because he doesn’t want that to happen to him. If it was a case that they were incompatible and always fighting, he could see that and believe that they shouldn’t have gotten together in the first place. I could go on with more examples (abuse, substance abuse, etc).

I think it would be best if you asked him directly about why did his parents divorce, how it had affected him, and how has that event impacted his view of marriage. Also, you should be vigilant in checking compatibility between you two.

snackysnackeeesnacki · 2019-04-24T16:41:54+00:00

It’s a yellow flag more than a red one. A reason to look deeper.

My ex husbands parents were married and in love until the day his mother died. But his dad was an abusive narcissist whose children feared him. My ex was heading that direction too.

My fiancé’s parents divorced when he was ten, and it sounds like they had an ugly toxic marriage as well. But his mom and dad both remarried and had much more stable marriages with their second spouses. So I feel like in his case he at least got to witness his parents IN functional relationships, whereas my ex had only one sick example of what marriage looks like.

willowaverie · 2019-04-24T15:45:14+00:00

Experience from my brothers:

(Dad was a narcissist, abusive and controlling, cheated lots on my mom)

Hopeless romantic fearful of commitment, jumps in, but doesn’t open up all of the way- or nearly enough to keep a woman happy with that level of bonding and understanding. You have to chip away at his walls, but he’s this human of love just afraid of it turning out like our parents.

-he started to learn about himself, relationships, women, read lots of books and started dating and met a woman who blew his mind and he has started to work on becoming a man he wants to be and working on not being like our father

before his current gf he was a player and coped that way, but realized he’s just wasting his life doing that.
loves my mom, knows how to treat women wonderfully and is determined to marry an intelligent, feminine woman who understands him and works with him as a Union and betters him in areas he could improve.

Has excellent commitment (ish), opens up well, but can be very dramatic and not respond well, probably won’t ever get married, too big of a fear. Has mega mommy issues so he’s pretty reliant on women for things. Can be “too”alpha, in the way that he’s just overboard and doesn’t know how to handle certain things from only believing my dad (before and through divorce).

-doesn’t know how to search and treat a woman right.

-brother 2 is still incredibly affected and doesn’t understand as much as brother 1, he didn’t try to see the damage.

Get to know them, look for abandonment issues, maturity and capability of handling things and overcoming stresses. Sometimes all they need is some encouragement, sometimes they don’t ever want to chnage. They’re most definitely capable of doing great and wanting more than they had, and then some struggle! Really depends.

stripethrowaway · 2019-04-24T15:31:09+00:00

We can't "subconciously teach" people things. That's really manipulative, even if your intentions are wholesome.

That being said, I don't think that divorced parents are an indicator of a red flag and I feel like that logic is flawed. There's plenty of people in painfully long unhappy marriages. I feel like their kids are more likely to fight to keep a marriage good or depart out of fear of being married and miserable. There's plenty of divorced parents doing the co-parenting thing far better than some married couples are. I feel like those kids might see that above all, family is more important than personal squabbles because they witnessed two people who can not get along, do so for giving their children an okay upbringing instead of exposing them to their toxicity in a romantic setting.

If he has divorced parents that remarried, he has two examples of marriage to look at now, and if he's smart, he has a larger sample size to pull from when thinking about what works and what doesn't.

I think that a better indicator is his attitude towards marriage, which is much easier to gauge by observation than anything else.

pazjoc · 2019-04-24T16:48:36+00:00

DONT believe in this. A children's parents divorcing has nothing to do with their own character and their desires in regards to relationships. It is completely unfair to judge someone based off of how their parents conducted themselves. I also believe that people are who they are and sometimes it does not have anything to do with how they were raised. A child can witness their parents divorce and in that moment subconsciously decide that they will never go through that etc.

pigghenuette12 · 2019-04-24T16:42:33+00:00

My SO and I both have divorced parents with two very different circumstances. His parents were just wholly incompatible and got together in their 30s to hurry up and have a baby. My parents had substance abuse problems, I raised my younger brothers, and the divorce was nasty but necessary.

We both reached the conclusion, independently, that for us- divorce is not, and should never be on the table. We talked about what it does to children, and that if we chose to get married, it will be for good. So for us the promise of marriage is more so “I chose to be with you because I’m love with you and I will chose over and over again to work through our issues and call it quits”. We’ve been together five years and we are likely to be engaged in the next year, but only because we feel we’ve properly vetted each other and can make it through anything.

So, if anything, his coming from a divorced family has made me more secure in our future marriage because I know how seriously he takes that commitment as a result. Idk if this is helpful but I do believe that if you have these kinds of conversations with your SO, you will get to the truth of his feelings about divorce and marriage.

IUsedToBeAFed · 2019-04-24T17:00:16+00:00

I am not sure that this is relevant, but my very tall and Northern European son married an Indian woman of Gujarati descent. Her parents met at University in India, and married for love (at least so I am told.)

My son was very much in love with "N" and I was told by so many Indian people in the US that her father would never allow it. And her older sister was in an arranged marriage.

But my son went to her father, asked for permission, which he granted. A beautiful Hindu wedding, and a few weeks ago, they welcomed a second daughter.

My son adores his wife, and so do I. Her mom "N" often visits and is a great help.

My ex-husband and I were divorced after 33 years of marriage, but we still are friends and often talk about the health and well-being of our 4 children.

ragnarockette · 2019-04-24T19:08:33+00:00

My parents were divorced 6 times between them and my husband’s parents were divorced 3 total.

We’re happily married!

I put it in the same category as someone with obese parents. They’re at a greater risk for having issues with food, but there’s still a decent chance they learned from their family’s mistakes.

Kara__El · 2019-04-24T23:29:27+00:00

I have one biological brother. Our parents had a Lifetime Original Movie divorce and he's so terrified of putting his kids through what we went through, that he will not leave that golddigging bitch he married at 19. It doesn't matter how horrible she is to him or the kids, how she spends all of his money and isolates him from his family. He won't leave. He'd have been a great match for some sweet girl.

I have three step-brothers, whose parents had a really messy divorce, which is now fairly amicable. Their dad even comes to Christmas at my dad's house. Every one of them is happily married and truly in love and devoted to their wives. My step-mom was a strong role model to them and as much as I love my dad, he kind of left and went to be their awesome role model, instead of ours. He was a pretty decent guy to them.

It's not black or white. Divorced parents can make you more committed or less committed. Your best bet is to talk to him and see what kind of answers he has for you.

Idont_UseUsernames · 2019-04-25T11:24:45+00:00

I am male with divorced parents, and this doesn't seem fair to me. Yes it obviously effects you as a child, but it's not any child's fault and so it seems unfair to not give him a chance. I would say I am very committed. Had been in 1 relationship over 5 years and she broke up. Never had been with an other women, so if you can believe me that I am different others can be different too. I would advise to look on other aspects.

Also with the divorce rates right now in society it seems unpractical to only choose from men with non divorced parents.

NationalMouse · 2019-04-24T16:27:56+00:00

I’ve had serious LTRs with a man who had divorced parents and a man who did not and I can verifiably confirm that the man who’s parents were still 25 years married was much more stable, much more long-term thinking, and much easier to have the relationship with.

Sure everything is fun and exciting when it’s new, but when the going gets tough, men need to have a good strong example of relationships in order to know how to handle them well.

I wouldn’t trade my fiancé for anyone, though. He is a strong alpha-man who takes care of me in every way a man should. But I can honestly say that some aspects of our relationship didn’t have to be so hard to overcome and probably wouldn’t have had his parents stayed together instead of divorcing (and his father leaving him).

StepfordInTexas · 2019-04-24T18:08:22+00:00

Not directly answering your question, but I wanted to point out. Just because your parents had a good marriage, that isn’t an indicator that all arranged marriages are good.

Title	Divorced parents?
Author	many_moons_ago_
Upvotes	22
Comments	15
Date	April 24, 2019 3:22 PM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/bgvx38/divorced_parents/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/divorced-parents.235981 https://theredarchive.com/post/235981

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