Fiance using drugs

naivety0 · 2019-02-03T09:11:06+00:00

I would consider this a red flag, particularly with the things you mentioned about his father and brother.

Edit: also, have you read "Co dependency no more" by Melody Beatty? Your first paragraph sounds like you are doing something she calls 'caretaking'. I'm not an expert but perhaps look it up xx

RubyWooToo · 2019-02-03T15:22:35+00:00

If being an addict and using drugs is an absolute dealbreaker for you, then you shouldn't be graceful about it... you need to make it clear that you're not going to accept a guy who uses. If you're not willing to break the engagement then I recommend postponing it, both to demonstrate that you're serious and to give him time to get his shit together before you marry him.

Things to consider:

The men in his family are addicts. He may have a genetic predisposition to addiction (which your future children could inherit) and he's been most certainly raised to normalize addiction. The suffering that it's caused his family is not enough to deter him from using.
You're a nurse, which means that if he ever gets busted for illegally possessing prescription pain medication, you could potentially lose your nursing license (if anyone suspects you're providing him with drugs) and/or your professional reputation.

stripethrowaway · 2019-02-03T13:43:09+00:00

He can't handle being home without you? That's troubling.

Anecdotally, I can tell you this: when someone has a destructive relationship with a parent who has substance abuse issues, the children often end up one of two ways: straight edge kids who don't do anything and prefer being sober, or become substance abusers themselves. He's openly established to you that when he's depressed, he turns to drugs and alcohol. He's also established that he has abused substances in the past. Now he's making you feel like he is so unhappy and so depressed when you're not around that as a consequence of you being at work, he will abuse. So he's putting his happiness in your hands.

This is emotionally abusive behavior, and this is a sign that he's going to blame anyone but himself when problems arise. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say he's not doing this on purpose and I bet he'd never want to intentionally hurt you, but this sounds like it's all he knows and this is a cemented behavioral pattern. There could be a ton of reasons why he does this, and none of them are good.

As someone who wasted 10 years in a relationship lying to herself going "Things will get better after I can be around more" and "Things will get better when ........" I can promise you that you don't deserve to be having to tell yourself this, and in 99% of cases, things don't get better.

It's hard to have to take a step back once you've gotten down a path. You like to hope that you didn't waste all this time and that this other person, they're the 1% who can pull themselves out. It's also very very easy to tell yourself this is a bad time, because work, and the wedding and....... There will never a good time to stop and figure things out, other than the sooner, the better.

At the very least, I would say "I don't feel comfortable with a spouse who relies on alcohol and abuses drugs to get through a difficult time." And maybe spend a few days at a friend's house or something. You need space to think, and maybe observe his actions.

Ultimately, it's not fair to you to have to set this precedent, and you owe it to yourself to not have to do something like this. There's a reason why people are telling you to pack up and go. Substance abuse, when it's bad, it's bad, and it creeps in and before you know it you're in hell. The worst part, is 99% of the time, it ends up being bad. I know you said he's not doing it on purpose. Of course he's not. Very few people do!

This isn't a red flag. This is a big fat red blinking billboard. You're 22 and you still have time on your side. It might be time to cancel the wedding or at least push it back. Remember how the vetting process never stops? This incident is worth stepping back and reallocating your picker. Like the others are saying, it might be time to leave.

It's hard to separate your emotions and think rationally against this because you very clearly do love him. You've painted out a future with him, and there's a wedding coming up.

But is spending your life with a drug addict worth all the love you have to give? That's a very emotionally depleting relationship to be in. Are you sure he's going to be the reciprocating man he's supposed to be and be mentally stable enough to return your love? Most people who rely on substances can't and nobody can fix this except themselves, and they have to want to fix this pattern and more often than not there needs to be a professional involved.

None of this is your fault. He's got some demons he needs to face and if it were me, I would feel more comfortable if he faced the music on his own so I don't become mentally damaged in the process.

Zegiknie · 2019-02-03T10:08:35+00:00

If you do stay, lengthen the engagement by another year or two to make sure he doesn't derail.

Loneliness can be a reason, work pressure can be another reason. Anything can be a reason. Don't make excuses for him.

But I agree with CalvinRichland. Drug use in that way is like abuse: staying with a man who does is a kind of endorsement, and promises of never again mean nothing. And it is damaging to everyone involved.

The only graceful thing you can do is leave. All the other options won't be graceful or pretty. And if you have to start out by laying down the law (no drugs), you're kind of missing out on the whole RPW dynamic. But being all sweet about it will just not help.

Also, his family sounds horrible. My extended family is, in part, horrible too. And it is a great tragedy. I wish I could offer my kids the full set of uncles and aunts and grandparents and cousins. But some are just unsuitable company.

CalvinRichland · 2019-02-03T08:09:35+00:00

Gracefully pack your shit and leave. Seriously, he is a druggie.

You should probably think long and hard if this is something you want.

It seems like you are an adult and he is a party kid.

teaandtalk · 2019-02-03T09:03:59+00:00

When you say you "have the date set", are you talking about marriage? I would be careful about marrying someone you don't trust to use drugs responsibly.

RightfullySqualid · 2019-02-03T15:59:52+00:00

By staying you are giving him the security of the relationship regardless of his choice of using drugs. You should leave.

ragnarockette · 2019-02-04T21:30:17+00:00

I just want to offer a devil's advocate opinion here, although I agree with most of the other great responses.

My husband occasionally uses recreational drugs. In fact, most of the people we know do. And these are all successful professionals and in their 30's who own homes and in some cases have children.

Drugs itself isn't the dealbreaker. Addiction, lying, out of control behavior is.

Mewster1818 · 2019-02-03T23:04:51+00:00

I know we're not supposed to make ultimatums but this is the only one I ever issued to my now-husband. I explained that I would not invest my time and energy in someone who uses drugs, and that I was looking for someone to build a family with and a drug user could not be part of that. I explained that I would respect his choice without fuss but that he could either keep me or keep using drugs... We're married now so I think that answers what his decision was.

If he had not chosen to give up drugs I would have quietly left, I wasn't going to cry and scream and throw a fit, but I wasn't going to wait for him and I wasn't going to give him another chance. You have the right to set boundaries, especially on big things, and sometimes that does mean giving up an otherwise great relationship. You're getting married to him at some point, you're now at the point in a relationship where you do need to finalize your family goals before tying the knot. Make sure that you both see eye to eye on what you want for the future, if it's not compatible then you should reconsider marriage.

[deleted] · 2019-02-04T01:07:12+00:00

I am not okay with him using drugs.

If you do not leave, you are giving him permission to use drugs again. Are you okay with that?

freyalifestyle · 2019-02-03T19:58:58+00:00

My friend had a partner like this... no matter who you are drugs can make you kill for more drugs... be very, very, very careful

maljo24 · 2019-02-18T02:05:09+00:00

Big red flag. Marrying someone with a drug abuse problem is a nightmare. Nurses think they can fix a man; they can't.

[deleted] · 2019-02-23T00:28:32+00:00

He sounds like your child, not your fiancé. Why does he feel lonely when you’re at work for a couple of hours? He needs to find other things to do rather than wait for you to come home to keep him company.

Title	Fiance using drugs
Author	williethewabbit
Upvotes	3
Comments	24
Date	February 3, 2019 8:01 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/amnokc/fiance_using_drugs/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/fiance-using-drugs.211023 https://theredarchive.com/post/211023

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