In response to the For Women Only chapter about Sex, u/throwaway230306 wrote:

 

Can someone write a post on sex and passion for the old(er) married/LTRed women with kids? I’m hearing don’t do detached duty sex (yes of course) but also don’t fake passion/desire (I mean…never ever…really?)

 

So this is the post where you find out way more than you want to know about my sex life. It’s probably rated R, definitely not X since Kaos and Mae-Hem entered the picture. Kids – thank goodness they are cute because they ruin everything. I cannot promise that it will be applicable to everyone but I’m going to do my utmost to be blatantly honest. Maybe we old-marrieds can have a blatantly honest conversation in the comments…

 

It feels like eons ago that I outlined the Sex chapter. It was all very easy then. I tweaked some of my behaviors and moved on with my life, easy peasy. I won’t get into reminiscing, it’s too depressing, but here is what our sex life looked like from my comment at the time (edited for brevity, a thing I am not good at):

 

 The going assumption in our house is that we'll fool around every night. If I know early in the day that I'm not going to be up for it, I'll preemptively let him know that I need a break that night (Literally, "honey, I love you and lust you but I think I need the night off"). … My thought is that this is preferable to waiting for his advances and then shooting him down.

 

There are other times when it just gets to be later in the night, or the end of the day is tiring. If I don't think I can manage I'll say things like …"You are just insatiable that I can't keep up with you!" … Basically, I dig down past the tiredness and tap into the attraction I feel for him….

 

Sometimes he'll tell me that he'll do all the work, and if he pushes back like that I'll usually acquiesce because I figure if he's pushing back it's probably important to him. Most of the time he takes it with good grace....

 

I'll also thank him for giving me the break when I need it. I recognize that he's giving me space at the expense of his own desires. It may seem silly, but I like to express appreciation for that.

 

 

Now, enter Kaos and Mae-Hem, two toddlers with a daily goal of pulling apart everything in the house.

 

In some ways, having toddlers is actually easier than having older kids (IMO). A bad night is when they are up until 8:30. Plus they don’t know yet what those noises are which is a bit freeing. I expect that some things will get harder as they get older and perhaps someone else can speak to that.

 

But obviously, it is no longer the assumption that sex will happen every night.

 

How to have sex

 

The first and easiest move is to be wildly enthusiastic at the times you are wildly enthusiastic. Yay for ovulation sex. A lot of lukewarm acceptance can be forgiven if you show him how much you desire him when you are feeling horny. Tell him, be loud, be appreciative of his performance, be loudly appreciative of his performance.

 

And what about the rest of the month?  Understand that at this point, spontaneous sex is not my thing. I need to get into the mental space to fool around. Especially with kids, changing gears from Mommy to Sexy Wife takes a bit of time.

 

Wine and weed help to make the mental shift. (Put all the necessary caveats here about still being a functioning adult, not being illegal, not being pregnant etc.) There is something about having a single glass of wine that helps me turn from Mommy to Adult Woman again. It is probably a conditioned response (classical or operant? I forget, it’s been so long since college).

And on the note of conditioned responses, we have sex music. We’ve used the same music for a long time. There is definitely a button in my brain that turns on with certain music.  

 

I am strongly in favor of tapping into those sorts of triggers to tell your tired-worn out-Mom self that it’s time to switch gears. And maybe it’s not music or illicit substances for you, but find your triggers, share them with your husband, hack your brain.

 

Along a similar vein – dress pretty. Once Upon A Time and Long Long Ago, I had a fantastically extensive lingerie wardrobe. What has not deteriorated due to age is gathering dust. Actually, for a long time, it simply didn’t fit. Now when I was first postpartum, I bought a couple cheap pieces of lingerie and I highly suggest that to anyone who is still uncomfortable with her body. It was a lot easier to feel sexy when my baby belly was covered. And while I do break it out from time to time, it is more effort than is reasonable on the average day. Once you’ve spent the night cooking, cleaning up, bathing, fighting over bedtime and then finally basking in the silence, it’s just not appealing to go re-dress yourself.

 

Instead, I suggest cute clothes or family friendly “fantasy” clothes during the evening. My biker dude husband who used to be a huge fan of anything trashy, has a new love in his heart for Donna Reed dresses and traditional Bavarian (see: Octoberfest) dress. These are excellent to put on during my daily downtime. I feel pretty, which makes me more receptive, and he knows that it’s a signal.

 

 

 

How to not have sex

 

One of the biggest changes of old age and kids is that he is just as busy and worn down as I am. There are some nights when I need to respect that he is the one turning me down.

 

Without sounding like Guy was every pushy, I’ve found that he’s a lot more understanding that sometimes I’m tired. Where he used to offer to “do all the work” – now there is more acceptance that this is the phase we are in and we will snuggle together on the couch or go do our own things (because time is at such a premium anymore).

 

And there is more wiggle room for “giving it the old college try”.

 

Duty sex, to me, is when you know you have no passion or desire for him and nothing is going to trigger that. If you’d rather starfish than be an active participant, skip it. Tell him you can’t. Tell him you love him and are attracted to him and would like a rain check but by all means, tell him that you can’t.

 

Just don’t do that every time. We are assuming here that you are attracted to him some of the time.

 

But if there is a chance…yeah go ahead and start even if you don’t preemptively feel the desire. I don’t know about you but there are plenty of times that I’ve started out feeling “ugh” and ended up feeling “oh I needed that”.

 

Or, you know, blow jobs. Never discount the humble blow job as a strategy to show love but avoid sex :-P

 

I ended my comment in the original post with this:

 

A lot of it is figuring out how your guy ticks. There will be some trial and error. You find out the things that make him feel desired and then you bring them out to balance things when you need to say no.

 

 

And that remains true. Kids throw a monkey wrench into our established routine. The routine never quite goes back to normal but the value of RPW is in the understanding of men and ourselves. Do your best to understand what your man wants, needs and accepts. Maybe your guy doesn’t want “the old college try”. There is no harm in asking him. In fact, it’s the RPW way.