Last week, the mods posted an old summary of the For Women Only – Sex chapter and I followed up with a post about sex and married life. There are comments hanging out there from those posts that I had the best of intentions to respond to individually. Kaos & Mae-Hem had differing opinions and, as usual, they won.

 

So here are a few shower thoughts for further discussion:

 

Of course there are times in a woman’s life when sex is not sexy. We aren’t men and we aren’t trying to be. I was accused of being a young non-mother in my last post because I obviously couldn’t understand what breastfeeding does to a woman’s sex drive. But alas, I nursed both Kaos and Mae-Hem. I know the decrease in drive that brings. I know what it is to prefer sleep to all other things and to not want any more people touching your boobs.

 

So the question becomes: what about duty sex.

 

For Women Only tells us that surveyed men reeeeeeally don’t like duty sex. And it’s not because of expectations from porn. It’s because sex is not purely physical. But women are not men and hormones can screw up the best of routines so what do we do? And to some degree that is why I wrote the last post. But the sticking point for a lot of people seems to be the duty sex issue.

So the next question is: what is duty sex?

 

I’ve been wondering for a few days now if we are all working on the same definition of duty sex. In FWO the men tell the author that:

 

They feel better and life feels better when they are getting enough active and mutually appealing sex AND If you are responding because you have to, he knows it, and feels the sting of rejection. Remember that what he wants most is to be desired. If you agree to roll around in bed but once you get there, you aren’t engaged, he isn’t going to view it as something you do out of love.

 

To me duty sex is not “having sex when you lack a proactive desire”. It’s agreeing to sex and then not engaging within the act. It’s lying there in silence waiting for him to be done. It is acting like you are not interested and doing him a favor.

 

Now look you guys, I’m not trying to pretend that I want sex all the time but when I agree to sex, I act like I agree. And when I really can’t get into it, I don’t pretend I can. And hey, when I was nursing and it just wasn’t happening no matter what, I explained that to Guy.  Because, you know, we are adults and friends and partners and sometimes it’s best to just be upfront. It didn’t break his heart or his libido. We survived.

 

I don’t consider anything I do to be duty sex because I don’t treat it like a duty. I don’t treat him like he’s a chore. I don’t expect his gratitude by my uber submissiveness and gracious acceptance of his advances. And I’m not saying that any of you act like that either. I think maybe we’re getting caught up on what “duty sex” means and talking past each other and missing the ideas in FWO.

 

BUT

 

I think there are women for whom sex is a duty.  I don’t know how to fix that feeling for women who are already married. I’m speaking now to the younger ladies.

 

This is why we talk about pre vs post commitment risk. Post commitment risk is the idea that you will not remain attracted to him over the long haul. If you can’t retain the attraction, then sex can be an onerous task.

 

You have to lust him from the get-go. It should be hard to delay sex. You should want to jump him. And it isn’t just physical because for most women, attraction is mental. He must push the right buttons. Personally, I have an “irreverent asshole” button and a “smarter than you and I know it” button. Beauty and muscles are nice but insufficient.

 

If you aren’t interested in sex early on, or if the appeal of sex has diminished as you’ve gotten to know him, then I recommend you seriously rethink the relationship. I don’t care how good looking or successful the guy is, if you don’t want him, then you are going to feel like sex is a chore and the marriage will be less than it could otherwise be. “I love him but I don’t lust him” is as bad as “I love him but I don’t respect him”* from a vetting perspective.

 

 In summation: marriages will go through seasons. It is unrealistic to think that you are going to greet him at the door in lingerie with a martini from 25 to 85. If you are attracted to him and show it over the course of a lifetime then you are probably over the target.