How could I have done this better?

ZuriBellaRose · 2022-10-02T05:27:22+00:00

You definitely didn’t do anything wrong at all. Sometimes people have a hard time not feeling attacked as an initial reaction.

But it’s been a few hours since you first posted this. Has he since come around to understanding what you were trying to express to him?

Architectonic123 · 2022-10-01T23:15:19+00:00

I don’t think you have done anything wrong. It looks like you have been very empathic with him and also assertive in the way you explained how he made you feel.

So please don’t think his defensive behavior is your fault because is not. He is triggered by you expressing these feelings, which is not a reason to blame you for.

sunglasses90 · 2022-10-01T23:11:03+00:00

Do you have a religious counselor you can talk to? You guys should be able to talk about these things and listen to each other without getting defensive. It sounds like you did everything the right way, but he responded poorly. I’d be upset if my fiancé joked about me to other people on specific things. And I’d expect him to hear me out and avoid doing things that hurt me. I’d also want him to tell me if I was doing things or saying things that hurt him.

Teacup000 · 2022-10-02T12:53:28+00:00

Being defensive can be a natural response to perceived criticism. I'd give him a day or so to calm down and reflect before talking to him about what your relationship should look like.

Tell him it's important to you that you have a relationship where you will listen to each other when there is something that is upsetting you.

Tell him you want a relationship where you will alter your behavior for each other even if you don't think you did anything wrong, but it bothers the other.

This link is about defensiveness in a professional setting but has some good insight on the topic.

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2022-10-02T16:14:38+00:00

Is this a recurring theme? Does he respect your feelings?

TheBunk_TB · 2022-10-02T17:31:00+00:00

He needs a different set of words or a different medium to understand.

Jenneapolis · 2022-10-03T01:41:43+00:00

I think you did great. However something I have had partners get mad at me for in the past is bringing up topics long after they occurred. Personally I find it’s best to bring it up either the night of once you are in private or the next day. I feel like waiting longer can cause problems.

Remember that men really do not like conflict and drama. Even when it’s topics that need to be discussed, sometimes they can just be frustrated that there is a “problem” that they feel like they need to solve, an unsatisfied partner feels like a failure. So when I bring up issues long after they occurred, it has been frustrating to men who thought the topic had been solved already or Felt I was creating drama for bringing something up weeks later. Not saying they are right or wrong, but just in my experience if I have an argument on a night out with my guy, I tend to bring it up the next morning after we wake up and have coffee together. Yes you don’t want to argue in the heat of the moment but you don’t want to let it fester too long either because men move on from things like this very quickly and get confused when the topic reappears.

lvd_reddit · 2022-10-02T12:32:56+00:00

You did nothing wrong, your husband acted a bit immature. Give him time to reflect, then repeat the process and tell him how it made you feel that he tried to gaslight you. If he can learn and grow from this process things will get easier. If not then you have picked the wrong husband.

kittenated · 2022-10-02T12:25:34+00:00

I know this term tends to get very over-used, but honestly, his treatment of you, and the outcome, is the epitome of gaslighting.

Firstly, you did nothing wrong whatsoever. You told him that his behavior was hurtful, and he reacted in a way that reframed it as being all in your head. As a result, you have begun questioning your own actions and behavior, which is the outcome of being gaslit.

I would actually very clearly tell him this, and make it clear I won't be tolerating that from him, either.

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Title	How could I have done this better?
Author	8765four
Upvotes	27
Comments	28
Date	October 1, 2022 10:37 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/xt8abn/how_could_i_have_done_this_better/
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