How to avoid resentment?

sunglasses90 · 2023-01-29T13:51:04+00:00

Talk to him. You need breaks as well.

Wife_and_Mama · 2023-01-29T13:45:45+00:00

You need to talk to your husband about this, not internet strangers. See if you can agree to a schedule, where he hunts at certain times and you can expect him to be available otherwise. Talk to him about needing some time for yourself. See if you can just step away for an hour to have some coffee and read a book, if nothing else. It sounds like things were really rough on him in the beginning too, giving him the urge to escape, but now you two need to come to some kind of arrangement where you can both get time to yourselves.

Ayo_4_Yayo · 2023-01-29T19:10:23+00:00

It sounds like there need to be a direct conversation about roles and responsibilities here. If you both work full time there needs to be an understanding of who is responsible for what. If he is taking on more responsibility over the household duties maybe he is assuming your role/responsibility is the childcare when you both are not working. In which case you need to talk to him. Remember, you cannot pour from an empty cup! You need to take care of yourself first and foremost to take care of your family to the best of your ability and to let go of resentment you may have.

I say this as a SAHM to a 5 month old and a 22 month old where I do the most (if not all) of the child care. My husband is also an avid hunter as well and travels once or twice a quarter for work but he knows I need my time to take care of myself. So whenever both babies are sleeping I go to the gym, salon, barre or just out to the store by myself. Heck, when he goes out on hunts some nights I’ll pamper myself while the babes are down for the night with some wine, a face mask, do my nails etc. You both have to take time for yourselves.

yohanya · 2023-01-30T02:43:46+00:00

I know some people wouldn't agree with this, but he just needs to be home more. No amount of housework or time with the nanny can replace him being physically there and able to take over during the times you need it most.

You BOTH decided to start a family. Yes, parenting responsibilities fall more frequently onto the mother, and traditional relationships tend to embrace that. There's nothing wrong with mom doing "more," that's simply nature's default. But that doesn't absolve your husband of the responsibility to be a present partner and father. Those first 6-12 months are for hunkering down and adjusting to your new life as parents.

You have struggled these past 5 months. Even mothers without PPD deserve to have the support and company of their partner. But clearly, it is still a need for you while your baby is still vulnerable and your mental health is still recovering. He's acting like a roommate and not as somebody who has vowed to be at your side in sickness and in health.

Definitely talk to him! Be forward about what you need and why you need it. Maybe ask him to only go out on the weekends, or to always have a full day at home after a day out, or something along those lines. It isn't your responsibility to just stop feeling resentful... you're feeling it for a reason and are in need of some extra TLC ❤️❤️

brushshstrokes · 2023-01-29T15:56:18+00:00

Hire the nanny for more hours so you can have non-work time to yourself. Getting your husband to sacrifice his time alone is just going to put more strain on the marriage.

Latter_Ad_6840 · 2023-01-29T19:13:13+00:00

I agree with the posts that tell you to talk to him. Your feelings are valid with this, it's a massive life transition. You were the center of your own world, and now you have this baby that is.

If you just repress how you feel and try to pretend all is well it'll all come out later because the feelings are still there, this kind of happened to me before, you are a human being and you need connection, and activities that replenish you. Maybe talk to him about finding a fitness class, or giving you a bit of time that you can spend with your friends or something. It's unfair that your needs are not being met.

Such_Beginning_1629 · 2023-01-29T18:21:23+00:00

What if he takes baby on long walks? Is baby swimming with dad an option? Addictive hobbies are a thing, fishing is closely related to gambling in its lure. Same element of uncertain luck. Give AlAnon’s three C’s a chance! You need consult with your midwife/doc. Men too can suffer from post baby depression.

kochIndustriesRussia · 2023-01-29T16:18:28+00:00

Man here. Father. Old. Retired pastor. I know this is not super helpful right now but it does get better.

My husband has stepped up immensely around the house and helps a lot. He makes dinner occasionally, cleans, tries to take care of the baby.

Sounds like he's trying. Putting in the work.

I’m jealous and worn out, and I know that.

How did you feel about his hobbies before baby? I'm guessing they didn't bother you as much because you had more freedom and were doing things that you love too? Motherhood is brutal. Absolutely, fucking brutal. Not enough people tell these girls who are sooo eager to have a baby.

If I may offer a suggestion: it sounds like you're thinking of this new phase of your marriage in terms of time equity. That is super dangerous as a mother. Yes...you absolutely need breaks. But once you're a mother....until that child is....7...8? Their biological imperative is to suck as much resource out of you (physical, emotional, spiritual, etc) - without killing you - everyday. It's a high calling and it's not for everybody. That degree of sacrifice exists so far outside of the concept of time equity that it's hardly worth examining.

You have been called to an impossible task. You are up to it. Forget about your husbands hobbies (maybe ask him to dial it back for a few months until baby becomes a bit more stable/independent) but remember: he's really just out killing time. You are shaping the entire future of your relationship with your child and setting the stage for how they view the world....relate to authority...and treat other women. That's what's up. Dive in.

SatyaNi · 2023-01-29T15:35:08+00:00

I am a man.

You need to talk to him, but...

May be it is not him pursuing his addictions, but him running away of your attitude/depression ?

UnbotheredDee · 2023-01-29T17:01:01+00:00

Do you like reading? If you do, maybe you can do that while the baby is asleep.

TREVONTHEDRAGON · 2023-01-30T04:11:38+00:00

You ever just thought about ignoring the tantrum and still keep doing work but with headphones on? If the baby doesn’t need to be changed, fed or burped and are throwing tantrums just because they want mommy it’s not really a need to go and coddle them. You’d be surprised how many men can just zone the crying out especially when’s it’s not for something necessary. You set a timer possibly 2 hours or 2.5 hours because at 5 months all these tantrums are unnecessary and they should be sleeping for longer than an hour. This doesn’t sound like a husband problem rather than a I have to run to the baby every time it cries problem. Also you have a nanny, work from home and your husband has shown to be helping where he can. Which having all 3 are more than what most people have. And I’m assuming you have 1 child their are people with several who still have time to themselves when they can. So I would say take considerable liberties from time you perform your duties as a mother and the time you ignore those duties when they aren’t actually needed. Middle of night crying probably go check but in the afternoon when your have done everything necessary the crying should not need an immediate response. Talk the husband about scheduling but also you could try and find things to around the house that you would enjoy while tending to the child. Watching tv, reading a book etc. plenty of men play videos games while watching kids.

Marissa_Smiles · 2023-01-30T00:32:58+00:00

My first pregnancy was also rough. I had terrible pp anxiety which made me an insomniac and I also lost 15lbs which is a lot for a small frame. I would never have gotten through it with out the support of my husband and mother. She was able to come stay with me until we secured full time care. My husband took night feedings(when I actually slept) and all his hobbies came to a screeching halt. It was tough few months that honestly felt endless at times. He kept telling me he just wanted me to get back to myself. To not feel guilt about xyz. And I feel so fortunate to have had that support. I now have two littles and am hoping for a third this year. I was able to prioritize my needs and not fear another pregnancy because I knew my team was solid. You need a good team, I’d talk to your husband and explain your needs. Is it possible for you to take a step back from work? The resentment you’re feelings is a result of a situation that isn’t supporting you. Your husband can’t assist if you are not telling him what you need. Good luck!

AutoModerator · 2023-01-29T13:28:26+00:00

Title: How to avoid resentment?

Full text: Hi ladies, would love your input on my situation!

My husband and I have a 5 month old baby, and, boy, has it been rough for me. The delivery was traumatic, but postpartum was the worst, physically but moreso mentally. I was depressed, full of rage, felt more isolated than ever in my life, and even thought my baby should be given to someone else who would be a better mom. It was terrifying, and the idea of living through that again makes me want to run away. Thankfully, I feel so much better (not perfect, by any means), and I feel like I’m recovering little by little.

Anyway, during the newborn phase my husband was initially great. However, he started to take more time to hunt (several hours per day a few days per week) and stopped helping in the middle of the night. I felt so isolated. Now, he tries to go fishing on his days off for several hours. His hobbies are more like addictions.

I work FT from home and do nearly all the childcare, with a few hours of help from a nanny so I can get some work done.

My issue is that I’m so resentful of my husband’s time spent on his hobbies. My baby has early separation anxiety and I can only be away for an hour max before an inconsolable meltdown occurs. I just don’t have the ability to do what I’d like to do at longer, but this is what happens when you have a child.

My husband has stepped up immensely around the house and helps a lot. He makes dinner occasionally, cleans, tries to take care of the baby. However, I just can’t seem to let go of the fact that he goes away for hours on his days off to pursue his hobby. I’m jealous and worn out, and I know that.

How the heck do I approach this situation? I’m a shell of who I once was, and I’m often angry or sad. I want to do what Laura Doyle suggests and find things that make me happy, yet I literally only have an hour max where I can be alone.

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Working-Office-7215 · 2023-01-31T16:12:57+00:00

Can you work out of the home and send baby to daycare? I have an office job and it was always such a nice reprieve going back. (We have 3) Plus when I went back to work, I felt less pressure to have a perfect dinner and clean house, and my husband just stepped up more because it was more visible what he needed to do. It’s not like I was “just home all day” anymore. I stayed at home with my second for 1.5 yrs and that was the hardest for our marriage. (And I wasn’t even trying to fit paid work in!)

Title	How to avoid resentment?
Author	bookish_cat_
Upvotes	32
Comments	25
Date	January 29, 2023 1:28 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/10o7n5x/how_to_avoid_resentment/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-avoid-resentment.1149840 https://theredarchive.com/post/1149840

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