How to communicate better

Rarerestofbeans · 2022-07-27T13:07:24+00:00

That requires the discipline of being able to pause before speaking.

Before saying how you feel, take a moment to see if what you’re feeling is rational.

If it is not, you keep it to yourself and utilize your alone time to figure out why these irrational feelings are coming up for you.

If it is rational, you hold compassion for your boyfriend for not immediately understanding how the event might affect you, and you nudge him towards understanding by expressing how you feel in a concise manner without the weight of whatever heavy emotion is coming up for you in the moment.

If you can’t do this in the moment that it comes up, you put the conversation on hold and save it for a time where you can express your feelings without any aggression.

Edit: Grammar

TheBunk_TB · 2022-07-27T14:24:14+00:00

Write down what you are feeling or your issue. Use it as a "script" then set aside a time to talk with him. Don't blow up and then repair. Tell him you want a time to talk with him about something that concerns you.

Own that it is your concern and your issue. Not his.

NevermindTheCrows · 2022-07-27T13:51:17+00:00

I think it really depends on what, exactly, your expectations are. It would probably help to sit down and consider whether you're asking for something reasonable.

So, when you talk about acts of service - what kind of service do you want? Are you asking for, say, help washing the dishes (reasonable)? or do you expect him to take over all your chores (unreasonable)? When you talk about gifts - do you want a bar of chocolate (reasonable) or are you asking for jewelry (unreasonable)?

Honestly, I doubt that the problem is really about the way you're expressing yourself. I think it's likelier there's a little disconnect between your expectations and his.

Strixt · 2022-07-27T15:01:40+00:00

You aren’t feeling heard. You also don’t know how to maturely express your feelings or needs

You need a couples walk 3-5 nights a week.

Before or after dinner you need to have a walk with him.

no cell phones and no distractions. maybe a fit bit to track your steps.

0.5 mile to 3 mile walk, 3-5 nights a week will do wonders.

You’ll learn to open up and express yourself. You’ll learn how to walk in silence and still be happy or content. You’ll have opportunity to discuss concerns in a constructive manner. Couples who do things together achieve a better understanding of one another. They grow stronger and communication becomes easier.

Your walk will make you feel better about your day as well. Just this mild form of exercise will help ease your mind. Trust.

Danishsunset · 2022-07-27T17:30:54+00:00

I think we, as women, often want clear communication to be romantic and most of the time, it's not. I would recommend starting on Acts of Service and avoiding Gifts, so you don't appear too focused on material things. A clear and feminine way to ask for Acts of Service sounds like:

"When you have the time, I'd love for you to help me put my new shelf together."

The trick to not sounding demanding is to mean the "when you have time" part. Don't nag him to make time for your chore. You might have to remind him, though, the next time he's over, which means accepting that he's not the hero in a romantic comedy who just remembers your every desire and delivers. When he does help, remember that he's doing something nice for you, not performing for you. Don't criticize or correct him. Let him lead and do it the way he wants. After the fact, thank him sweetly and show affection the way he best receives it.

rosesonthefloor · 2022-07-27T18:48:29+00:00

“Just do more” in the hopes that he will too is setting up a covert contract, and that’s not helpful either. In fact, it’s likely to lead to more disappointment. What you need to do is communicate your needs better, and the fact that you’re aware of that and trying to work on it is a great step in the right direction!

Let’s start with what you said about picking fights because you need “more attention/care/consideration” from him. When you do this, does it actually give you more care and consideration, or just attention (and is that attention positive or negative)? Does it make you feel better or worse? Are there any particular “triggers” that you can identify that make you lash out? Do you have any insecurities that might exacerbate these issues? You don’t have to answer these questions to me, but think through them and be honest with yourself. Doing some introspection on why you do things like this will help you get closer to the root of the problem, and solving it.

Next, try thinking through your feelings and then addressing your actual need. Then try and work it into an expression of vulnerability and/or a positive statement to express to him. Aim to simply bring him your problem, and ask what he suggests. Always uses lots of “I” statements, and NEVER saying things like “you always…” or “you never…” (unless it’s for positive things like “you’re always so sweet to me”). And remember: you’re a team figuring out a solution together!

That last part is key - try and work through it with the mentality of you two vs the problem, rather than you two on opposite sides. Be willing to listen and hear him out too.

Also: aim for more positive interactions. Studies show that couples that have more positive than negative interactions (the magic ratio is supposedly 5:1) tend to be happier - and of course they do!

One of the things suggested in the article above, and which I found super helpful in general in getting more in touch with my emotions and behavior, is to journal. Journaling helps you clarify what you’re actually feeling, and will help you get your thoughts in order so you’re better able to communicate them to your boyfriend. It’ll also help you learn about yourself and through that, you might even be able to work through some of the things causing you to lash out. I really find that sometimes just getting things out onto paper really lessens the negative emotions and helps me put things in perspective from a calmer place.

Hope this helps! Good luck :)

blacknwhiterose · 2022-07-27T16:58:10+00:00

Listening is the key to good communication, and that will help you pause before speaking and collect your thoughts/emotions before barfing them out on him. If you still need someone to vent your feelings/frustrations to, go see a therapist.

jenna_grows · 2022-07-27T20:46:33+00:00

Been here, not too long ago. My now husband thanks me for supporting him every day and I feel my needs are met.

Breathe. Honestly, every time you want to go off, think about the big picture and whether it’s worth eroding your relationship over. Usually it’s not.
Identify exactly (to the minute detail) what would make you feel more fulfilled.
Speak to your boyfriend about it when you are both in a calm and loving space. Don’t ambush him. I find a simple “how come you don’t do x?” (How come? is a gentler, almost more girlish way of saying or asking Why? where I’m from”.
Once you know why, say “oh” or “ohhh”. Use the latter if you get it. Use the former if you aren’t sure you’re okay with it even after the explanation, change the topic, and take time to process it separately. Don’t jump in with everything all at once.
Be aware of his limitations. Sometimes you are a square peg and a round hole (value and personality clashes). Sometimes he’s doing x because of y situation, but for which situation things would work. If the former, cut your losses. If the latter, be patient.

You guys are on the same team.

chevy32720 · 2022-07-27T17:14:52+00:00

people just dont have enough to do these days. life has gotten so much easier than 150 years ago and now people just sit in the house bored and think to much. to me it sounds like there is to much communication already. for men it is like torture to put a leash on mens feelings and force him to walk around town. it would be good to have hobbies like gardening or landscaping painting or woodwork or something to occupy time. there is more substantial means of satisfaction than sex for most people.

throwawayJTP · 2022-08-01T21:16:39+00:00

but my love language is acts of service and gifts that hardly gets fulfilled

Acts of service and gifts requires more energy, literally. It requires money, time and space.

I fulfill his quality time and physical touch all the time. Think twice a month versus 3times a day.

Yeah when you're around someone it's easy to touch them three times a day versus getting them a gift three times a day.

His love language is rather passive and easy to fulfill and yours is active.

AdventurousAd5107 · 2022-08-08T20:17:16+00:00

Asking him for help with things can alleviate that absence of acts of service. Men love to be useful and know that they’re needed. If there’s something he can help you with save it for him when his around. And then soon he’ll enjoy the satisfaction he gets from helping and he’ll even start offering.

Title	How to communicate better
Author	Bright_Blackcheri_66
Upvotes	20
Comments	27
Date	July 27, 2022 12:47 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/w9dvoa/how_to_communicate_better/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/how-to-communicate-better.1125524 https://theredarchive.com/post/1125524

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