Letting go

TempestTcup · 2015-10-31T16:06:53+00:00

They say a good life is the best revenge, but instead of really living your life, you are dwelling on the past. You don't raise yourself up by pulling others down; that is "crabs in a bucket" mentality. Raise yourself up by having goals, quit being obsessed with yourself, and working towards your future.

You sound like you have a little too much time on your hands, so maybe like you said in an earlier thread, work on renovating your living environment to give yourself a sense of accomplishment that isn't about you and your looks. And I know you are obsessed about your looks because of all the pics you post of yourself on /r/Rateme :)

cats_or_get_out · 2015-10-31T15:28:01+00:00

Stop thinking about yourself obsessively. See, life is not all about you, you, you--your disappointments, your pain, your perceived injustices (your dad, your exes, the bullying). Stop it. I mean this in the kindest way: grow up.

Focus outward. Volunteer, get a hobby, take up an instrument, start a new sport--something--and you'll start spending that mental energy focused on life, which is a lot bigger than you (and bigger than me, too--thank God!)

When you feel those habitual thoughts creep in, try replacing them with gratitude. Instead of "my ex broke up with me" think, "I am so lucky to be out of that dead end relationship."

Life is hard for each of us in its own way--your way of managing that is making it worse. Your boyfriend and your friends are probably getting real tired of this nonsense.

Eterfinifrete · 2015-10-31T15:44:04+00:00

Find someone with real, immediate problems who needs your help. This can mean anything from volunteering in a soup kitchen or mentoring kids to helping one of your friends fix up her resume. Just doing something concrete, which doesn't revolve around you, will take you out of yourself and give you a break from all your self-doubt. You sound like you've had a lot of struggles and you've often felt powerless in the past. Well, you're stronger now, go out and use that strength!

Kara_El · 2015-10-31T16:41:37+00:00

Honestly, I think a lot of people have this problem. We're all so connected, that we can check up on each other in a way our parents never could. So, stop doing it. If Facebook is the problem, take a break from Facebook. If you find yourself posting adorable photos on Instagram for validation, delete your Instagram or make it private. Only the people in your life matter, so maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to cut ties with the others for a bit.

littlecrochetlady · 2015-10-31T16:28:52+00:00

I feel like you're being honest with yourself, which is a good step. And I definitely agree with others: self-improvement should be your number one focus! You have to live with yourself every minute of your life, so you might as well focus on making that an awesome experience. Getting over grudges and a rough past is difficult - I hear you! Give it some time, it'll get easier if you let it & work towards it. :)

Also, I'd like to say that therapy might be really beneficial for you, especially if your biggest concern is that it'll make you emotionally vulnerable. Emotional vulnerability is extremely feminine, and it's really nice being able to embrace it in yourself. Of course, it'd probably wise to use good judgement as to who you're emotionally vulnerable with, but a therapist is probably someone you can trust with your emotions.

Good luck to ya lady!

SocialIQof0 · 2015-10-31T21:00:53+00:00

Some people have already touched on the fact that you're not really enjoying your success and the quality of your life if you're still dwelling on all this. By dwelling on them and wanting them to see how much better you are, etc. you're actually putting yourself beneath them. You need them to validate your success, and by doing so it makes your own happiness questionable. You are diminishing your own life.

It's hard to believe someone is happy when they say they are, but are also SO bitter about the past. If you're really happy with how things have turned out, why are you still mad about how you got to where you are?

As an anecdote, I have this cousin. He's very successful. He lives in Beverly Hills, has been in a relationship for years, has his own business, is successful, etc. You'd think people would say, "Oh wow! Look at him, he's so successful! His life is great." But they don't, because he's stuck in the past. He and his wife separated/divorced years ago. He gave her an ultimatum, she took it. He didn't really want her to. He started dating the woman he's with now, and his ex started seeing one of his old friends. He was FURIOUS. He blamed the friend for them not getting back together. For them breaking up, even though he ardently says she didn't start seeing him till after they broke up. He's still broken up about her. Her name is still on his checks. His girlfriend feels like they're stuck because he can't get over his ex. He's told me he's still in love with her. And that's what people talk about when they talk about him. They talk about how tragic he is and how bad they feel for his girlfriend. How miserable they both are.

Just something to think about. You're not going to portray the imagine of happiness and success you think you do, until you let it go and move on. That means accepting that maybe, someday, those people will notice how great you're doing - and you'll never know. And that's how it should be.

KatherineKelly · 2015-11-01T11:57:30+00:00

How we are treated in childhood can often translate later in how we think and feel about ourselves

Our minds are empty pages that other people write on creating a story that emotionally expresses itself as to how we feel and act.

Your father and being bullied is a part of this story until you step out of it

When you are bullied you are being devalued by another human being. This makes them superior over you (better than you) if you in any way make it about yourself.

You have now personalized it because bullying is personal until you are able to see it really had nothing to do with you at all.

We travel on roads shared by others. Sometimes these roads are filled with drunk drivers putting you in harms way.

Your father and bullies and anyone else that has harmed you are like these drunk drivers that you had the misfortune to be sharing the road with.

It was not personal but bad luck. If you make it personal you become part of this sickness as the harm people keep perpetuating onto each other.

Your comments of wanting others to see you as successful points to the obsession that past pain has caused you and is still now shaping your inner world.

The need to be important for importance sake is an expression of have been devalued when you were younger mixed with societies toxic message that you are nothing unless you are better than others and this message was created by people held prisoner by the very same pain and fear you are expressing.

All over the world human beings are filled with this sickness of needing to be important because they feel so utterly unimportant.

This creates separation because it makes every person you encounter a person with the potential to hurt you from what they can steal from you because of what has already been stolen from you by your father, bullies and others.

When you see that everyone is caught in this you will discover forgiveness.

Human beings are not powerful and strong but scared children acting self important because of how alone they feel in their pain and fear.

Much of the harmful acts parents do to their children comes out of the parents own fear of not being able to cope with the responsibility of being a parent that leaves them resenting their children.

Bullies are created by being bullied so to prevent being bullied they become the bully.

We are all traveling on this toxic road called life but you can step off this road when you understand why others insist on traveling it.

It is possible to be truly free and this is not by trying to escape but refusing to play.

Let go of your attachment to pain that creates the resistance to it. Move beyond self preoccupation with the self as pain and understand that fear and pain are the same thing because fear is the memory of pain.

pildorasamargas · 2015-10-31T15:39:33+00:00

This is only marginally related but it may still be helpful. This passage came from my last FR

But so much of all the decisions I make are motivated by how I'll measure up to society's yardstick. And I know it sounds cliche but I mean it really truly. I walk around with a massive superiority complex and play dick measuring contests when I'm the only one playing. Nobody else gives a damn whether or not I went to A Very Good School or found A Very Good Job. But teehee sucks to be them because I'm winning and they're losing and they're so dumb they don't even know!

What you're doing is not so different than this. Another issue I was having that I noticed was whenever I participate in an activity my priorities are (and this is not conciously but still): 1. How it will appear on social media, and 2. Am I enjoying it?

That's pretty messed up. I'm seriously living my life through a camera lens for 'likes' and to prove something that doesn't even matter to anyone but me. It really prevented me from being fully present and I was always hoping how everyone would notice how awesome I'm doing...right.

If you can handle it, I deleted my Instagram (no going back from that, my hard-earned followers are gone forever), I deleted snapchat, and I created a new Facebook page that is strictly for me to keep in touch with people on, and I don't post photos or update my status pretty much at all. I deleted completely my last FB account that I had since 2008 (I took the time to save all the photos I cared about but that's it).

It's been almost a month and it's a big relief. I'm not always comparing my body to Insta-models', I take WAY less photos now and what I do photograph is important to me -- there's nobody else to share it with unless we are both physically looking at my phone. I don't have to worry anymore about how I am doing in everyone else's eyes and whether or not I'm 'achieving enough'.

To let it go...you have to really let it go. For me it wasn't some perception change that needed to happen. My Instagram and social media existed solely for reasons that were firmly in the 'not let go camp' and getting rid of them was how I forced myself to move along.

Rougepellet · 2015-11-02T08:25:44+00:00

Personally, I currently have this mantra of 'free yourself, make light your burden'. I try to let go of everything I can't control (the actions of others), and best manage that which I can

Washiface · 2015-11-15T19:17:08+00:00

When I was about 23 I was hell bent on success because I felt like people were watching me. I worked harder than I needed to or wanted to because of it.
They aren't watching or looking in on me, they don't care. They have their own lives to live and people from ten years ago absolutely don't give a crap what I'm doing now. They probably don't even know if I'm dead or alive. Live your life for yourself and not your perceived onlookers. Do what makes you happy, not what makes you look happy.

Title	Letting go
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	20
Comments	17
Date	October 31, 2015 3:12 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/3qz042/letting_go/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/letting-go.85729 https://theredarchive.com/post/85729

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