Needing Advice

BumbleBitny · 2022-03-25T12:37:53+00:00

It will most likely take YEARS of couples counseling and personal counseling for you both before you can rebuild that trust. There's sadly no advice anyone can give it just takes time and hard work from both parties. Personally 3 years and not being married would not be worth the time and energy it takes to move past cheating for me.

octopusinatutu · 2022-03-25T11:20:36+00:00

Not to sound like the reddit hive mind but I have found that once a cheater always a cheater :/

It could also very much be just they way you percieve it, I dont know your relationship that well so for the first 2 years you and him might have been casual. But honestly? Its not like it was 2 months and he was still messing around. Even if yall had been in a casual and chill relationship, it was still exclusive. Whats it going to be like when things are more serious? When you dont see him as often as you do? If you have kids? Those are things to consider truly!

You could also look into therapy yourself to see what could make it easier for you to do what you want to do, which is believe his actions and words, but 15 months and you still dont feel better? Maybe you should take that as a sign. Someone might say to try talking to him directly about it, but on the chance hes actually being good and has no clue that youre insecure about it he could be devastated. That can kill a relationship quicker than anything.

Also, can you provide any examples of something he may be doing or a way hes behaving that might make it harder to trust him? White lies? Exaggerated stories? He hides things from other people?

smoore95 · 2022-03-25T14:20:50+00:00

If you’re not married and there are no children, I suggest you move on. From my experience, this is too big of a hurdle to overcome.

After a year+ of being together, there is too much trust and history for cheating. Had this happen within the first few weeks of the relationship, I might have different advice. But at the time in your relationship that he cheated, he would have known you enough to know your boundaries, know your expectations for the relationship, and known how much this would hurt you.

He probably is sorry. He probably will try his best to not slip up. You probably will be able to look past this (most of the time).

I am currently watching my parents (married for 20+ years) divorce after years of my mom trying to forgive my dad for mistakes that started/happened 15 years ago. My father swears he hasn’t made the same mistakes since. My mother just cannot believe him. Over the years, anytime something was “off” with my father, she assumed he was cheating and was hurt all over again. NOTE: there are other things wrong with their marriage too. This was just a factor that always drove them apart and contributed to the death of their marriage.

LEAVE.

anothergoodbook · 2022-03-25T11:44:57+00:00

For me, cheating is a deal breaker. Especially if I weren’t married. I can understand trying to work through things for the sake of saving a marriage or for kids.

If you want to keep moving forward with him, I think it comes down to forgiveness. Really forgiving him means you leave it in the past. There can be accountability there to build trust which is different.

aleatingasandwich · 2022-03-25T12:28:22+00:00

This is the problem with broken trust. He broke your trust, and sometimes that just cannot be repaired. You don't always know that until you try, which you did. But what I feel like you are asking is help with convincing yourself that an untrustworthy person is trustworthy. The fact that you can't trust him right now is based on actual solid evidence, and that's what your intuition is trying to alert you to. As a woman our intuition is highly valuable, you should listen to it. This is not the man for you, there is something telling you that he will do this again. I would listen to that.

Hellokittynole · 2022-03-25T12:10:11+00:00

I don’t subscribe to the idea that once a cheater always cheater, but it does seem relevant in most/many cases.

However I believe because you are unmarried it is probably better to just move on. Those anxieties you have never really will ever fully go away. And I can only really justify trying to mend a marriage with children when infidelity has occurred.

It’s not easy because 3 years is nothing to sniff at but I believe you deserve to find a man who will make you feel much more safe and secure before he becomes your husband.

Environmental_Ad5867 · 2022-03-25T12:27:34+00:00

I’m sorry this happened to you OP. When one’s partner cheats and betrays that trust, it’s very difficult to get it back.

I’ve been in your situation before many years ago and although I thought I could forgive and move on, I couldn’t. I couldn’t forget what he did despite my best efforts. Granted we weren’t married or had any kids or shared responsibilities (this was in uni) but that betrayal started eating away at me daily until I found myself questioning my sanity. All it did was turn me into a shadow of myself and eroded my self esteem. I realised it wasn’t worth it despite whatever he did to make it better. We couldn’t rebuild that trust ever again. I chose to take care of myself and my own mental health than subject myself to that torture.

Maybe counselling might help as ultimately, you’re the best judge of your relationship but from what you’ve said, he cheated about 1.5 years into your relationship emotionally with multiple people and physically with one. That’s not just a ‘slip because I’m drunk’ story. It was pre-meditated. That’s a lot of baggage.

I’m glad I got out and chose to heal myself from that. I’m with a wonderful man that I trust completely and our relationship makes me feel loved, safe and cared for. You deserve that too OP

crater01 · 2022-03-25T15:39:04+00:00

There’s a subreddit, r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. It’s centered around married couples (for the most part) who’ve experienced cheating - married couples being what should stand out to you. Their journeys are incredible difficult to read about.

You probably don’t have many obligations tied up to this guy. No joint account, no mortgage with both your names, no children. You can love him as much as you want, but imagine if he cheats on you if you do get financially/legally tied to him in some way? Love is very important, and I can tell you have a big heart, but it’s crucial to be realistic and prudent as well.

I trust a lot of the advice I see from women in this subreddit, and that includes the old once a cheater, always a cheater adage. I’ve seen it play out many times. Even if he doesn’t cheat, I worry for your own happiness, fulfillment, and sanity (for lack of a better word lol). You shouldn’t be in a relationship where you feel paranoid. You should be able to trust your partner.

Since you’re not married and no kids, I would cut my losses, leave, and invest in therapy for myself.

kneesofthetrees · 2022-03-25T15:53:57+00:00

Cheaters don’t get second chances in my book, at least while dating. I have not yet formed my opinion on cheating during marriage as I am just recently engaged and it is a much more complicated question... but cheating while dating??? GTFO. Don’t live your life with a cheater who are you aren’t even legally/religiously bonded to.

spaghettiparrot · 2022-03-25T23:03:27+00:00

The undertones of crippling insecurity and codependency that pervade so many of these posts are truly disturbing.

He's a cheater. Alright, we've got that established. Now, assuming you are capable of honoring the most fundamental aspects of a monogamous relationship (fidelity), you deserve better than him. You have got to have at least that much faith in your self worth. Move on and find someone who wants to help you build a relationship. You may well destroy your self esteem trying to outrun the damage he's done.

Ordinary-Object7260 · 2022-03-26T00:25:53+00:00

Personally I wouldn’t waste another minute of my life with a low value man like this when he hasn’t married me and there are no children between us. Couples counseling with a man who hasn’t proposed to me after 3 years, and the cherry on top being infidelity? No thanks, I don’t do charity. Neither should you. You deserve better. You are not a rehab facility for broken men.

blown_coverage · 2022-03-25T18:30:48+00:00

Do you have his location on your phone?

I think it’s a fair trade for both of you to have each other’s location at all times.

Title	Needing Advice
Author	juliet20021
Upvotes	24
Comments	17
Date	March 25, 2022 10:35 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/tnj0x2/needing_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/needing-advice.1107617 https://theredarchive.com/post/1107617

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