Relationship Shift with Parenthood + Raising a Strong Son

gooeymarshmallow · 2019-02-01T01:28:30+00:00

So I work with kids in pediatrics and see about 80 different kids a week (4,000 a year) and spend about 30 minutes with each patient and their parents. What I can glean from that small impression is parents that focus on their relationship with each other more, had regular date night and made the impression that their love was still alive tend to have well adjusted kids. The over involved, helicopter parents resulted in either defiant or anxious kids. Psychology supports this as well. Make sure your marriage is strong and go into raising kids as a team and not a competition.

CalvinRichland · 2019-02-01T07:43:03+00:00

Be a mom but don't question your husband when he is harsh to your son or undermine him, he knows how to make men and you dont.

Zegiknie · 2019-02-01T08:57:30+00:00

With great difficulty. Our eldest is an expert in the Wail, and will turn it on loud at night. It took a written set of rules, as well as some of those guided meditation youtube videos and a system of (to his eyes) severe punishments (no cookies for a week!) and enticing rewards (his very own calender with eclipses written in!) to get him to not disturb our bedtime. We finally have a system that has been working for the grand total of 4 days now. Wish us luck. With a cosleeping baby, most sex is in the bathroom. Thankfully it is spacious in there! And sometimes we actually manage to have the bed to ourselves.

I only have the 5 year old boy, but I think he has very different needs from mommy and daddy. Mommy doesn't roughhouse and daddy doesn't give in. Daddy gave him a stern talking to about protecting the weak, and ever since he hasn't hurt me anymore (he was getting too wild, not on purpose). Daddy gives him an outlet for all the wild and crazy and fast and hard that is too much for me to deal with (exercise together mostly, and doing the harder things and walking further and so on). I give him the "wow!!!" When he says "look, mommy, look!", while daddy will just give him a fair assessment.

Breastfeeding. It burns crazy calories. I noticed someone else said it just made her hungry, and she was short? I am tall, and there is just no time enough in a day to get over my daily requirements with eating normally. I guess it depends. I do get very hungry, too.

Babywearing makes each household chore a strength workout. Look up post partum thyroiditis and if you have it, avoid supplements or fortified foods that contain iodine for a bit. Don't be too quick to get meds, it usually balances out again by a year post partum (and then you will have a hard time getting off them).

I always gave in to pregnancy cravings because I believe baby needs it, but most of them were healthy foods anyway.

Good luck :-)

BusyMamaRN · 2019-02-01T01:43:12+00:00

As two opposite shift workers, we struggle with this one. I can’t give much advice besides try to have a standing date night if you do have a consistent schedule. We shoot for once a week but it’s more like once a month we go out just the two of us.
He will fall, he will get hurt, but he will be okay, so let him play. A few bumps and bruises are normal in the toddler stage and broken bones may happen later on. Our 1 yo son is always getting into something. We tell him no a few times but if he doesn’t listen, he’ll learn his lesson (within reason of course). This has worked well for us because he’s figuring out natural consequences as well and avoiding the behavior. (such as slamming fingers into drawers). We keep a schedule but try not to helicopter too much. I didn’t understand the rough housing and wrestling at first because, uh he’s a baby, but it’s a part of male bonding and my husband is careful. When the time comes we will let him climb all the trees, play all the sports, help with household repairs/car stuff, etc.
Don’t worry about it too much. I thought breastfeeding would help me lose weight, but all the calories you burn makes you so hungry! I gained 60 lbs during my pregnancy, I was not a small person to begin with at 5’8” 165 prepregnancy weight, and had always struggled with my weight. I lost the first 20 lbs in the hospital and the next 10 in the next week. We stopped breastfeeding at 6 months since he wouldn’t stop biting and my work schedule wasn’t accommodating enough to keep up a good supply. I got my period back but my hormones didn’t settle until he was nearly a year old. Since then i have finally started losing the rest of the weight. I’m about 10 pounds from my prepregnancy weight now and baby is 13 months. Every body is different and what’s most important is your health and taking care of your baby. You may be too tired/emotionally exhausted/wild hormones to make significant progress until your life reaches a new normal. This is okay! Hubby should understand, as long as baby is not used as a free pass to keep the weight on for life. Best of luck, motherhood is a whirlwind!

Theflowerswillbloom · 2019-02-01T06:44:58+00:00

1) My husband and I don't live near family and have always been very protective of who we leave our toddler with, so I'll be honest - we've had one date night in the past 2 1/2 + years (we have had a few lunches together while our toddler is with grandparents). It isn't ideal, but we accept that's just our reality right now. If you are able to have date nights though, do it!

Still, we definitely do make time for each other. We have a new baby now, and for us the first six months we are pretty relaxed with our daily rhythm. As our baby gets older though, we will definitely create more of a flexible routine which is really important in having alone time together (as well as creating security for your little one, as they know what to expect). Over time you will gradually have more time together to re-connect. If you have your baby in your room, get creative with 'alone' time! I know that I can struggle to relax with having a baby right there as we use a co-sleeper crib, so we will often go elsewhere in the house. Also, be sure to remember that you are 'you' and you are 'wife'. When our toddler was a baby I know that I was so caught up in being 'mum' all the time, but really the best thing that you can give your little one is parents with a good marriage who take care of each other.

At the same time, don't try to be perfect. When our toddler was born, I remember thinking that two weeks in I would have cracked it! Perfect home, perfect me, perfect baby, dinner on the table. When that didn't happen, I felt like such a huge failure. My husband reminded me that he didn't expect perfection from me, but he just wanted a happy wife. I have been a lot more relaxed and less anxious this time around, which in turn has made my marriage stronger. I try my best every day of course, but am really working on my perfectionist tendencies as I know it actually negatively affects my family rather than helping them.

2) I have girls, sorry!

3) In my opinion, please don't worry for the first few months. Your body is healing, hormones all over the place, you are tired, you are breastfeeding (which as amazing as it is, takes a lot out of you - if you choose to do it). Just make sure to eat a balanced diet, drink lots of water, and take baby for a walk most days.These things sound simple, but with my first I actually lost a lot of weight as I wasn't taking care of myself. Self-care is so important - make sure that you are eating properly, take a warm bath if baby is alseep with your husband, sleep when you can, and most of all...enjoy your baby! Over time things get easier, and you can begin to include more.

In terms of my every day appearance - I have clothes that are pretty and feminine, while being comfortable and practical. Wrap tops and dresses are perfect for breastfeeding. I don't wear makeup most days, but make sure to wear earrings and have a nice hairstyle. I think it's so important to never just 'give up', as it not only shows respect to your husband, but models self-respect to your little one.

I apologise that was very long, but hopefully you may have gleamed a few things! I wish you all the best with your little one :).

Edit - I just wanted to add, that my husband and I have never loved eachother more since having children together! There is something so special that really bonds you. I feel like so many people talk negatively of marriages after children, but as long as you put in the effort it is really amazing.

ManguZa · 2019-02-01T08:39:21+00:00

Here are the two rules of Jordan Peterson :- Don't let your child doing something that make you love him less.

- Don't do something for him that he can do himself.

One of my own : Before 2 years old the mother is the world for the child. But he need that his father take more and more place after that for his development. As a mother you must be ready to let this take place and encourage your husband to build the relationship (because he's used that you're the priviligied parent). This is also the age where the rules must be set firmly.The other critical age is 10... but i haven't enough hindsight for giving advice yet :)

About food, take care to eat a lot of nutrient rich food : -fresh- (organic) fruits, vegetable, animals products.No junk food or too much seeds (cereals, etc) which are just empty calory.

About the love relationship, be sure to maintain your attractivity and show that he's still the world for you. Don't ever stop to do this.

Ilikebooksandtea · 2019-02-01T07:20:39+00:00

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I have a son and I used to teach preschool. I'm a huge advocate for raising awareness of the different needs that boys have. I recommend anything by Michael Gurian, especially "The Wonder of Boys" and "A Fine Young Man." His work is based on neuro-biology and evolutionary psychology and aligns with traditional masculine ideals.

Let your son play - especially rough and tumble play and weapons play. Let him make mistakes and do not try to "fix" everything for him. You'll find there's a fine balance between nurturing and coddling and you'll have trouble maintaining your equilibrium. That's ok!

Set firm, but expansive boundaries. Give him chores and useful things to do.

Put him in Scouts (try to find a boy-only troop).

Have fun!

ObedientLittleWife · 2019-02-01T12:47:08+00:00

The MOST important thing for any child is that they grow up emotionally healthy and with a good view of relationships. Try to love as unconditional as you can. Don't blame a child for his unwanted emotions and behaviours, try to guide him gently in the direction that you think is best.

ewoods4171 · 2019-02-01T14:45:33+00:00

18 year old boy here. My parents raised me right and it’s critical you do it too.

Early on it is important to clearly establish what is right and wrong. This has stuck with me and many of my peers fail in this regard. Don’t be afraid to spank him or punish him. I could be bad sometimes. Kids often need punishment to understand. You do not know how many kids I am surrounded by who were coddled and ended up without any morales and a sense of entitlement.

If you have the resources, make your kid play an instrument and start him early. It will open up his mind. Pick something fun too, like piano, guitar, or the drums. There will be times when he wants to quit but don’t let him. I am eternally greatly that my parents didn’t. The gift of music is lifelong and he’ll love you forever because of it.

Get him toys and legos, not an Xbox or an iPad. So many kids are raised on these things now a days. Toys will allow him to be creative, while screens will melt his mind. They seem to be a necessary evil now, so limit his screen time if you must. (And for the love of God, don’t be one of those moms who lets their son play with a Barbie. 🤦🏻‍♂️)

Let him be a boy. He will have enough people at school and daycare or whatever to take that away from him. Let him get muddy, climb that tree, and scrape his knees up. Allow him to roughhouse.

Give him time with his dad, and understand that there will be a special bond there. Allow them to play fight and spend time alone with each other. To a little boy, dad is God. All he will want is to be like his dad. My happiest memories are from early on with my dad.

Have spend time outdoors, and develop masculine hobbies early on.

If possible, get a dog early on. There is a magic bond between young boys and a good dog. Have him learn what it means to take care of another life. (I was feeding and picking up after the dog when I was just 7, and it did me wonders!)

Have him watch mostly educational programs. Demand nothing but the best grades. It is way easier to set a high expectation than to have him run through school just to scramble at high school to try and make good grades to get into college. Reward good grades, punish bad grades. Every year getting into college gets harder. You need to line him up to succeed while not being a tiger mom and smothering him.

Surround him with kids whose parents share the same mindset you do. It is also good for him to a little rival to compete with.

If you follow most of these tips your son will be on a path to greatness and have a good life. Let me know if I answer any more questions from the perspective of a son who has been raised in the ideal setting.

Title	Relationship Shift with Parenthood + Raising a Strong Son
Author	learningtomom
Upvotes	4
Comments	29
Date	February 1, 2019 12:32 AM UTC (7 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/alw5tm/relationship_shift_with_parenthood_raising_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/relationship-shift-with-parenthood-raising-a.210793 https://theredarchive.com/post/210793

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