Should we break up?

holyshitbarf · 2015-11-25T07:10:07+00:00

It's hard to tell from what you've written. It sounds like you're uncertain about the direction of the relationship due to his lack of keen-ness. It's probably best to be open about you what you want, but that's hard if you're not on the same level of keen. You can bring someone up to your level but the whole marriage kids thing is a huge decision. If I were you, I'd focus on getting where you want to be in life. Get the job you want, be the kind of person you want to be. Slowly start gauging his interest in planning long term with you. Ask him whether he'd like to accompany you on a trip about a year down the road, whether he thinks you're both suited to each other, or whether there's anything he is unhappy with. If you really want to next level it, you could ask him whether he thinks he'd be a cool dad when you're on a relevant topic, or how he feels now he's getting older and realising that the literal only purpose of life is to pass on DNA to children. If you get an undesirable response you can laugh it off, but these small things should give you an idea of what your partner thinks about the whole situation.

TempestTcup · 2015-11-25T12:49:08+00:00

I've been dating my current boyfriend for 6 months.

we are close but not close enough to be married.

Six months is still a very new relationship, and really is not enough time to decide if a partner is the one you want to be with, have children with, for the rest of your life. That is why the average dating time is two years before engagement, and then one year of engagement before the wedding. Three years is a good amount of time to really get to know the person.

There is a lot going on here, and a lot of reasons why he might be hesitant. First of course is your eating disorder; it seems unfair to discount you because of a disease, but then again, if something as little as school sets it off, then what about any other stress you might have in the future? Do you think that working in law will be less stressful? I doubt that it will. Having children is also stressful. Then there will be high stress situations all throughout your life: death in the family, losing a job, etc.

The first thing you need to do is get your condition under control: permanently under control. Find out how to deal with stress in a better way; I know there is help out there, there has been lot of press on this disorder, and a lot of research done since Karen Carpenter brought it to the public's attention over 30 years ago.

Eterfinifrete · 2015-11-25T19:29:13+00:00

I'd be very cautious about getting into a situation where you are trying to "convince" your boyfriend that you're worthy of marrying him. Yes, we should all be striving to improve ourselves, and yes, you should be working on your eating issues and on your stress-management skills. But frankly, you are six months into a relationship and it seems to me that you should still be in the honeymoon period! You should be saying, I love this man and I want to improve myself to become the best partner I can. Instead, he has already told you that he doesn't want to marry you and you're working on convincing him otherwise. I might be missing something but this doesn't sound like a very positive situation fir either of you. I hate to advise you to break up because it does sound like you care about him, but I'd really suggest that you shift the focus away from convincing someone else that you are worthy, and work instead on taking care of yourself and cultivating a sense of your own value.

Red_Pill_Raskol · 2015-11-25T08:29:15+00:00

So in order to be 'contrarian' you claimed you didn't want children, and have now flipped 180 degrees and claim the opposite. The fact that you rationalized away your most basic instinct and then flipped it around is giving him strong indicators that you are still very much plugged in.

He may not be so concerned per se that you don't have opportunities in your chosen career in his area, but rather that you would end up bitter and resentful toward him for making that sacrifice.

Something in your behavior is making him guard himself in this way and not really believe your change in perspective about taking a secondary role to his mission.

That being said I don't see any major problems here in the relationship, and if you move forward acknowledging your hamster I don't see a reason why the relationship couldn't work out.

_wingnut_ · 2015-11-25T20:29:13+00:00

Why are you asking people who strongly believe in gender roles for advice if you don't believe in gender roles

TempestTcup · 2015-11-25T12:27:02+00:00

Something to chew on.

RPMoonMoon · 2015-11-26T05:10:13+00:00

I'm getting mixed feelings about what you're saying.
I have a basic understanding of what your boyfriend wants or doesn't want in the long run.
But, your wants and needs are confusing. So, prior to meeting this man you didn't want kids and you were working on becoming pretty self sufficient as well.

In what point in time did you start worrying about "the wall"? Before or after you started dating him?

And while I'm all for wanting to improve and be a better partner. You have to first invest in the right partner to do so. I hope that your fear of the "wall" isn't making you rush into something that will potentially hurt both of you.

So, if the "wall" wasn't there. What would your course of action be? If you never met this man, what would your course of action be?

Working on yourself does not mean "bending over and backwards" for the first guy that shows signs of commitment. You have to answer if you do want kids honestly and openly. What you wrote before made it sound like you see kids as an expensive accessory.

That being said, my rule of thumb was to explain what I want from relationships from the get go. My thing was something like "If you're interested in me I'd like you to know that I'm not really the type for casual dating or casual sex. I want to get married and have children at some point anything else is a waste of both our times. " Always in a relaxed and casual tone of voice. And it usually sparked a conversation where we could both gage, if we're even compatible.

scallopkid · 2015-11-28T05:26:55+00:00

It doesn't really matter if you break up or not. If you do, you can probably get into another relationship with a similar guy while you're at school, but you'll be in the same boat you're in now. Your solution is to hope he changes his mind?! The problems are you, not him, and we really can't help you much unless you change your attitude.

Freethefrites · 2015-11-29T18:32:58+00:00

Hello hello!

Before I read your post, my thought was "you should end it". Because it seems as though having any doubt will always be a hindrance in your relationship.

In my opinion, you shouldn't settle for a great guy just because he meets all the requirements. You want someone that keeps you up at night and gets your blood pumping.

But hey I'm a romantic.

sla1317 · 2015-11-25T15:49:54+00:00

Thank you everyone for your replies! I really appreciate it. I think that I most definitely need to get my life together and have been getting help to do so. This man makes me take into account his feelings before mine. Challenges and makes me want to be better in a way that no one else has. I've been on enough dates, met enough guys to realize what I need in a relationship and what qualities would make a good life partner. So, I think it's worth it to work on and work towards resolving our issues at the expense of prime years before the wall and while everyone else apparently is coupling up around me. Thanks again!

Title	Should we break up?
Author	sla1317
Upvotes	15
Comments	89
Date	November 25, 2015 6:23 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/3u6myi/should_we_break_up/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/should-we-break-up.85793 https://theredarchive.com/post/85793

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