Pretext

(Me: M 24 - Her F 26)(FWB) Yes, might be a wall of text and yes I know I suffered from onesties. Bear with me, english isn't my native tongue. This is my Field Report on: How I went from Redpill to Blue pill. Don't get me wrong, I assumed that I was Red Pill until this event, but boy this event humbled me so much, that I realize that there is so much more to improve on and grow.

Body

Since reading The Red Pill I started to better myself in every aspect I had power over. Specially when I started seeing results. I lost 30kgs and lifted up to 5 times a week.This process of realization and improvement started 2 years ago and is still going on. I started working on my game and my field of studies. Now before I met this FWB I was actively spinning plates. I was getting attention from people around me that didn't pay me any before. Weird at first or maybe shallow is the right choice of word here of the people that suddenly wanted to hang out. I was feeling on top of my game and very happy. A little cocky even. Everything was going great until I met her.

She was in a relationship and I didn't mind that much. I told her to keep me out of the drama with her boyfriend and the rest would be fine. A year or 6 months(can't remember exactly) later she broke up with her boyfriend, or he found out. I don't know the details and I didn't care to be honest.

She was trying to branch-swing, but knowing this I told her from the beginning that I am not looking for anything serious. She said fine, but kept pushing for a relationship eventually every now and then.

Now the dumb part is I actually caught feels. That doesn't mean that I started buying shit for her or took her out to lunches, it was strictly sex. I texted only for Logistics(also 2/3 Rule), while she kept writing text messages as long as an SA every day of how much she loves me and the time spent with her is so amazing etc.. It felt a lot like Love-Bombing. That was the first Red Flag. I didn't reply to those at all, instead I spend more time with her and met her multiple times a week.

Fast forward to the event

At one point I lost frame in the evening she was over at my place, after she kept asking me how I felt about her, I can't remember how exactly the conversation went, but I made a grave mistake and asked her to show me her messages on Facebook. I know, when I said that, I lost frame and I knew at this moment I fucking caught feelings for her. What wasn't apparent to me then now was vividly clear to me. More of that later though.

I said something along of the lines of: "If you really love me this much then you shouldn't have a problem showing me your PM's". Alias the fucking Blue pill that I worked so hard to get rid of, suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

Quick note:

Before this, I told her she can do whatever she fuck she wants, we aren't in a realtionship, but I value truth an honesty of the people around me. There were too many people in my life that fucked me over, burned me, because I let them into my circle and I stupidly trusted them.

Anyways, she said no and I noticed how much she was fidgeting with her hair and she was getting nervous. At this stage the Blue Pill took over so much that I demanded to see them. Fuck me, I couldn't back out anymore so fuck it, I thought.

While she logged into her Facebook Account voilà, she was still messaging her EX-Boyfriend. While I scrolled up I noticed how they talked nearly everyday. She even called him on serveral occassions, video chatted and Skype called him. Now this wouldn't have been an issue, if I was still spinning my old plates, but I already had feels for her.

I sat there and I felt anxiety rushing through my veins. I thought to myself: "The fuck do I feel anxiety for, we ain't in a relationship. So I asked her why she still is in contact with him, apparently before all this she told me that she blocked him. Even showed me her Phone to proof to me that she had no contact with him whatsoever. A fucking lie, because there was:

One message saying: Lets write over facebook, because I had to block you on my phone, because of you know who. (me)

Even though I never asked her to show me any kind of proof, she did it on her own accord.

She said something along the lines of: "I still feel bad for having cheated on him." I sat there actually trying to argue with her logically and at some point I noticed that I can't argue with her at all. She tried gaslighting me, saying things like you don't talk about your feelings with me at all, you have no empathy at all. Can't you put yourself into my shoes for once? Nobody ever understands me! Funnily enough when she tried to flip the argument I kept my Frame. Logic vs Feelings. I noticed that I couldn't get to the bottom or get a proper answer or rather reason as to why she would still be in contact with him. Trying to argue with her reasonably didn't work. Deep down I knew the reason to why she was still messaging him, but boy I wanted to hear her say it. While I was reading the messages she was crying and crying. Especially when I started to bring up valid arguments, she tried to intervene with her sobbing. I just couldn't feel bad for her. I tried, but her crying didn't feel genuine at all. It was like she was trying to force herself to cry/avoid the conversation, so I would stop talking to her. When she kept repeating the same things over and over I felt this moment of clarity hitting me. AWALT! I can't argue with her at all. She just kept giving me the same reasons that i've read here a thousand times.

You Feel bad for him? For what? You cheated on him and then you have the audacity to text him daily to make you feel better about cheating on him? Instead of letting things rest and maybe give the dude room to process and get over the breakup? Dafuck is wrong with you?

He even wants to come over to meet up with her in a few weeks. When he asked for confirmation if they were still up for the date, she agreed to it. Something shifted inside of me when I read the line about the date/meetup, suddenly the anxiety I was experiencing was gone entirely. My voice that was somewhat raised in the conversation suddenly got calm. It felt like I was talking to a child or rather her act of crying/sobbing and the mixture of unreasonable answers she was giving gave off a very childish vibe. The way I perceived her completely changed. It felt very profound to be honest. The feelings that I caught were not there anymore. I couldn't take anything she was saying seriously anymore, I just sat there wondering why my anxiety was gone and why I felt no anger anymore. All I could feel was a wave of silence and liberation.

Lessons learned

How could I have caught feelings for someone that cheated before. I swore to myself to never even think of upgrading her, but when she kept cooking, cleaning my apartment, buying shit for me when I did not explicitly ask for them, I got caught up in all of that fake bullshit. I believed that she might have changed, that she might have learned out of her wrong doings, but boy was I wrong. I should have never dropped my plates.

Reading The Red Pill and applying it are two seperate things until you experience them in the moment. Letting your guard down, cause your feeling content isn't and shouldn't be the goal, unless you actively want to pursue a LTR. Gotta be more vigilant. LTR was never my end goal, but I got too caught up and comfortable, when I should have kept spinning plates.

Edit2: Formatting and other infos. Thanks everyone for taking the time and reading my post.