How do you maintain alpha in dealing with your kids mother?

enticingasthatmaybe · 2013-11-08T21:10:57+00:00

Single dad with a textbook western entitled ex.

Step one (most important): Be awesome with your kid, always. Be the type of person he/she will want in their lives as they get older. Don't go your ex's route of mortgaging her future child / parent relationship for good feelz in the present.

Step two: forget everything about maintaining any kind of relationship for the child's benefit. This is a lie and it only opens you up for further manipulation. This woman has no incentive to treat you with any respect, period. Do not give her concessions thinking it will be easier for everyone. The only person she is ever trying to make things easier for is herself. Write that down, get it on a tattoo, do whatever you need to do to internalize that knowledge.

Do not let her slide on anything. She's late dropping off the kid? Pay the $150 and file your own contempt of court petition and have her served with a court date. There are plenty of contempt of court templates you can find online for your state's court system. Do not let a single transgression go undocumented by a third party.

Step three: she is not your wife, remember that. Do not let her speak to you about what you should or shouldn't be doing with your child. Do not allow her to dictate anything to you. Do not listen to any bullshit.

Step four: she is not the gatekeeper to your child and she has no say in how you spend your visitation time. If she imposes herself upon your visitation time (ex: trying to force extra-curricular activities on your weekend), file contempt of court paperwork for refusal of visitation.

She is not your boss and she doesn't control your time with your child. You can, however, internalize this knowledge, maintain and enforce boundaries, and still have a decent enough relationship as to not be openly fighting all the time. Just remember that she is never going to respect your opinion, but she always has to follow the law or face the consequences.

DoubleKnee · 2013-11-08T18:36:07+00:00

When my ex and I divorced, she left and I ended up with the kid. I was no longer concerned with being alpha to my ex. I was concerned with being alpha to my son.

5 years out, she is more or less a non-consideration. I see her at school functions and we have to coordinate for holiday placement and the like, but our lives are separate. To the extent that she needs to know about a decision I made to our son, I tell her, but I make it a statement and not a request. I have only had to throw down in court once with her since the divorce and I won. She can rant and hamster on her own time, it's a non-issue to me.

skinisblackmetallic · 2013-11-08T19:38:58+00:00

Legal issues are your primary concern, if you want to maintain a relationship with a child that she has custody of you have to play the game. My strategy is a long game where I realize she will have irrational, short term demands and all I have to do is let her think she is winning, in the short term, and she will quickly move on to something else.

Being unflappable, legal representation, diligent documentation, financial solvency and being cool to your kid are the only real tools you have in this battle.

Wolfwoodd · 2013-11-08T18:34:12+00:00

Being alpha in this situation is about being an effective leader and about rising above any drama. To a lesser extent, it's about managing your ex's emotions in a positive way (because, when a kid is involved, a women's responses are going to be overwhelmingly emotional).

Rise above the drama, but document everything in case you ever have to go to court. If an ex is openly hostile towards you, then always make sure you aren't ever completely alone with her (i.e. bring a witness). If an ex is willing to work with you, then do your absolute best to come up with a good compromise and cut her some slack, because she probably had to overcome some strong emotions to get to that point.

Disclaimer: To an extent, this keyboard-jockeying, as I have never had to experience this. I'm just re-posting some good advice I read elsewhere on the Internets, combined what I know of dealing with dramatic women. I'm hoping some actual divorced dads weigh in on the conversation.

GayLubeOil · 2013-11-09T03:04:25+00:00

I think a real alpha wouldn't bother maintaining a relationship with his children or their mothers but would instead focus on making more mothers and children. Historically this is the most successful strategy.

DoubleKnee · 2013-11-08T21:04:32+00:00

Save your money. Most smart phones have a voice recorder built in. That said, as a lawyer, and without giving any of you specific legal advice, recording a conversation may or may not be legal, and even if legal, it may not be admissible evidence. I prefer email when I have to do it. Or, just take photos of your texts and retain those.

drrrrrr · 2013-11-08T23:21:37+00:00

The best advice, other than lawyer up, that anyone can ever give you, is "play the long game".

If you want to be in the child's life, rather than just being daddy beta bucks from afar, then you need to play the long-game. Mastermind everything, never get emotional. Be cool, calm, collected, document everything, and always remember it is better to have her on your side than against you.

RedPillScare · 2013-11-08T19:00:04+00:00

Much of it will come down to how crazy she is.

I manage my ex pretty well. I follow the Athol Kay school of mixed alpha/beta to keep her on the mellow.

First, everything has to do with our child. Anything that doesn't is allowed to wither and die. If she tries to discuss something not related, I bring it right back into line.

Second, she pulls shit. Happens often. She's more passive-agressive in her actions. I ignore it, but her beta-drip is cut off if she goes too far. Replies to texts are monosyllabic, if one is required.

Everything is tied to her behavior. If she is well behaved and polite, I'll agree to a favor that benefits our child. A time change in the schedule, or a swap that works for my schedule. If my ex is being a cunt, she gets NOTHING.

It's a 6-month cycle, usually. She fucks up, so I alpha up. Then she gets softer, and starts acting contrite, so I have to lay down massive beta to ensure that attraction doesn't grow too much.

Beta does not come in the usual form expected around here. I usually ask a lot of questions about our kid that are mommy-ish. I will make comments on behavior and affection and how special our baby is. It effectively kills attraction while giving her no angle for complaint.

Archwinger · 2013-11-08T18:06:13+00:00

I wish I could help more. What you've expressed is the primary reason I'm not divorced. I tiptoe around my own house and give that insufferable, disrespectful woman as wide of a berth as possible, because any irrational moment could be the one where she finally loses it, files for divorce, and takes my child from me.

You're in a similar boat, in that any irrational moment you experience (provoked or otherwise) could be the moment she unilaterally stops visitation, and maybe even calls the police on you.

I'd almost say that in this situation, you're not really trying to bed your ex-wife or game her all that much. You just want her to leave your kid with you and go away for awhile. In your situation, it might actually be okay to be beta with your wife -- actually be helpful to her, friendly, useful when you take the kid off of her hands so she can do stuff, someone she likes interacting with but doesn't respect and isn't attracted to. Just let her "win" because it doesn't matter. That's my best guess, anyway.

Title	How do you maintain alpha in dealing with your kids mother?
Author	tronicdata
Upvotes	18
Comments	18
Date	November 8, 2013 5:43 PM UTC (12 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/TheRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/TheRedPill/comments/1q6tqa/how_do_you_maintain_alpha_in_dealing_with_your/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/TheRedPill/how-do-you-maintain-alpha-in-dealing-with-your.7790 https://theredarchive.com/post/7790

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