I (25M) dislike the idea of the RedPill, it's like somebody gave me my favourite desert and then snuck a few nasty raisins inside, the truth: Hard to swallow, yet impossible to spit out when you're desperately starving for it.I'm empirical by nature with a strong desire to test everything out on my own skin, and after a heartbreak by the woman I lost my virginity too, I decided to give this red raisin a little nibble and chewed it with mild curiosity and fear.

Bit by bit, the world was starting to open up, my oneitis slowly dissapearing and life finally taking shape with a level of strength and inspired confidence I felt I was owed.I did this testing for two years whilst focusing on school and my career, whilst slowly replacing my addiction for video games with a newly found addiction for cycling. I know, not lifting, but sports all the same. In my darkest moments I discovered that physical pain was able to displace any and all mental suffering, which was a temporary solution with long-term fitness benefits.

My key issue was trying to test the plate-theory. My game developed quickly due to good knowledge of basic psychology and strong people skills, and I was able to get reliable ONS's, few regular and quite good FWB, but everything was always very monogomous. In late August 2021 I matched a girl on Tinder and for the first time in a while I struck a conversation I genuinely enjoyed myself in. But she studied and lived in a city ~100km away and we met by pure coincidence, as she was visiting a friend close by. This alone fed my blue pilled mindset some idealized story of how it's meant to be.She played hard to get.

Long story short, I was vacationing with a friend near her study apartment, and when finishing visited her and we had sex for the first time. This was date 4. Sex was good, I was able to use the apartment when she had classes to take short by-weekly vacations from work and use my MTB to explore new areas around. All in all I considered it a good deal for a long distance FWB.

Things were good but with winter holidays she wasn't staying in her apartment which meant a change of location. Either my family or theirs. This is, for us traditional Europeans a step into a relationship. But I believe family has to be vetted too. So I'll let her vet mine, and vice versa. This complicated things, because upon meeting her family I fell in love. Not with the girl, but the whole package. Her family made me feel more loved than my own family did at moments. And here I was still seeing other women, trying my hardest to test this plate theory out.

I hooked up with 3 girls in rapid succession, one more sexually explicit than the other, and then visited my girl afterwards. I didn't feel any guilt, which made me doubt my capacity of loving her. In fact the feeling of love sort of disappeared after my first girlfriend broke my heart.

Shortly after this I got sick. Very sick. Bacterial infection and inflammation of two wisdom teeth saw me lose 6kg in just 3 days. Turns out her aunt is a really good dentist, hooked me up with the correct antibiotics, fixed my teeth and did it all for free. Her family stood by my side the entire time and made me feel like I was one of them. After this I cut connection with all my "plates", having felt like it was morally wrong had I continued cheating on her. Up until here, the relationship with this girl was steadfast, despite my infidelity, but we never had the talk, so theoretically I wasn't cheating?

Everything worked until summer vacation started, and whilst she was free from school, I still had to work. Even more so, as kitchen work is seasonal and I was being promised a promotion, which would be great for the next 1-2 years at this company. My current career is a cook, should've pointed this out sooner, and it'll make sense why this is a problem shortly. Albeit with the long distance aspect, this was the only job that allowed me longer and more reliable visits due to irregular working hours and adjustable week by week schedule.

Let me get personal for a minute. I'm a picky individual, I know exactly what I like and moreso what I don't like in a woman, her family or her interests. I didn't look at this girl as the ONE per say, but I did look at her as ONE of the few. Low body count of less than 4. Smart with a great career to follow, a future doctor. Probably the finest ass I've held in my hands, and I've held a few. Introverted, never went out and partied or drank, did drugs. Maybe the reddest of flags was that she was on birth control starting with us first hooking up and simultaneously on SSRI pills due to anxiety. Personally I didn't see any major emotional outbursts, and being able to have reliable sex with no condoms is a must for me in any relationship, with creampies being my fettish of choice. Ironically something I desperately longed for in my first relationship.

I saw three major problems begin:

- discrepancy in careers for long term prosperity

- lack of genuine sexual desire from her, I innitiated all the sex we had, always

- my frame instability due to mostly hanging out at her, or her parents place, having to follow their proceedings, rules and habits. I think in general I was often operating in her frame with my brain half turned off just taking a break from work, school or other obligations.

My inner question was trying to figure out whether or not I loved her. Really I think I wanted to have the cake and eat it too. Be with her and fuck others non exclusively when I'm alone back home. And this isn't something I was interested in proposing to her, definitely not when I lack personal development and have such a high level of discrepancy in career paths with her. The more I read into the pill, the more I felt she would walk all over me eventually, desiring that fancy car, the big house and the cute dog, whilst I'm in a state of mind where I'm still trying to figure some things out with myself. I'm still building. She also started to tell me to dress better, work on my muscles and finish my thesis. She would even go shopping with me, often paying for the clothes. I saw this as a positive, but I'm sure someone will root the issue here.

We go on vacation together for 14 days and I didn't hold till the end. Kept claiming she was unhappy, and truth is, I wasn't particularly gleaming with joy either. Work was stressing me out, and when I got to hang out with her, I wasn't getting sexually satisfied and genuinelly the energy that was once there was missing. She asked me the night before, where on a scale from 1-10 I loved her. I turned around saying I'm not going to play these games and went to sleep. From what I understand, that was a shit test of epic proportions, and I passed it with flying colours. Except I couldn't fall asleep after it and ended up staring at the ceiling for a good hour. I then went to sit on the balcony, drank half a bottle of wine and messaged that very same friend I was with the days before hooking up with her for the first time and telling him I'm considering breaking up with her. I didn't put much thought into it, it just felt the right thing to do. I was already sexting other women at the time, and would 100% cheat on her as soon as we retuned back home. For whatever reason, I saw it fit to do this in my own terms, instead of working it out.

She woke up gleaming with energy, positive and ready to work things out with us, likely due to the shit test, but before I caught up on that, she saw my murky face and knew something was up. I broke the news and she proceeded to cry, and go call her mother. I did this in her family apartment, on vacation that had 4 days remaining, and we got there with her car. Not the nicest drive back.The entire time I felt nothing. Not a tear, not an emotion in sight. I was just thinking about how I was going to apologize to her father and thank him for everything. I only wanted it to be over. Turns out her family stepped out for the moment, I threw my things in my car and off I went. Immediately swiping tinder and enjoying my newly found freedom. I went on a fuck fest for the next 2 months and really enjoyed myself. Didn't think of her for a minute.

Unfortunately the promotion I was promised at work fell through and I decided to take a break from everything, finish my thesis in peace and reset my direction and focus on a good job to continue. The very same day I left my job, I felt that same exctatic feeling of freedom. And that very same evening, as I was about to fall asleep, thoughts of my ex started to run through my mind. Why, how, for what reason?

This went on for 5 days. I couldn't focus on anything, hooked up with two plates, both felt empty, meaninglessness all of a sudden. What was this gut feeling? Regret? Lack of comfort that was once there? Too much time to think? Love? Why was I suddenly doubting everything? Throughout the relationship I doubted my capacity to love this person due to the damage sustained in the previous relationship that hadn't fully healed. I have this belief that you can only love one person, or thing at a time, and It was like the gauntlet had now finally moved.

I couldn't resist the temptation any longer and texted her. She was confused a bit, but receptive. We called each other and spoke for a good hour. All the memories started to run back and I trully felt what I can only describe as buyers remorse on behalf of my decision. The gut was telling me this was it. Like I made the most important decision and started to doubt in my own sovereignty.

You can probably imagine where this goes. I visited her, we had sex, she even warned me not to do it, that I would be the one gettin hurt. It made me feel alive, made me love her or whatever. It made me reset like I've never been reset before. Like all the information I took up here never existed and someone had spoonfed me blue pills by the bucketload. I knew subconsciously she had moved on, had fucked someone else, had deleted me from her list of potential suitors. But truth is hard to swallow, and I kept hanging on this tiny strand of hope, that I could fix my mistakes. I even went for a romantic dinner with one of my plates and opened up to her about it, wanting a female perspective on the whole ordeal. Should've just banged her, but I didn't feel like it.

After this I didn't eat for 4 days. I had suicidal thoughts for probably the first time in my life. I didn't just beg, I pleaded, called, cried, manipulated her with memories, thought of sending her flowers, I even contacted her father to apologize and thank him for everything the family did for me. Tried every emotional trick in the blue playbook without realising that even if there was a slither of hope, even if there was a tiny, tiny chance to fix this, the bridge was now indefinitely anihalated. Even if there was a way, the strong-minded, determined guy that got her in the first place was now a broken, weak beta. Maybe I wished I had kept this thing alive for a while longer, even if it wasn't meant to be.

Truth is, I probably needed it, and possibly deserved it. Knowing I was the one who made the decision made it even more painful to handle. Thing is, I am not ready for a serious relationship yet. I still have books to finish, career to build and theories to test. And yet I know, deep down I desire a family and kids, because seeing hers filled me with hope and prosperity for the world to come. I wanted the relationship to continue due to its comfort zone, family related benefits and a desire to test red pill theory with my partner. Ironically I am convinced my actions and words right on the night before the break up were correct. And had I continued, waited a few more days, the situation could be very different today. But that's the general's view after the battle. That's what you get for wanting the cake and eating it too.

As an empirical person I try to learn from this. This girl had anxiety due to the fear of death, fearing she would fail to achieve all the goals set by her and her family in her life. This prompted me to later ask myself the same question. What do I fear? I fear being old and alone. I fear dying alone, having left nothing behind, no offspring, no story, no effect on the world. Having helped no one or made no memorable memories. I recently read a wonderful post about how spinning plates exuals many lives. Many little stories. And it's true. Traveling and hooking with foreigners is a wonderful way to make a memory for life. On the other hand it's writing that story through a strong partnership that can make them stand out. But break up and those memories suddenly turn to sour grapes. Doubled edged sword this cruel relationship game.

I don't really know what to end this post with. It's likely to get bombarded with reality check comments or ignored all together. But I first discovered this forum through field reports and the post-breakup depression phase, which I think most people here have experienced. If there's one thing to take from my rambling and poor storytelling, it's to be weary of your intrinsic and inherent subconscious foundation, which for most of us is very blue indeed. And as men, we are quick to fall into this emotional spiral. In general it's faster and less energy dependant to fall then it is to grind and ascend. If it was easy, I guess everyone would be doing it. I feel my hunger for power, control and more and more women, drove me to infidelity, to a state of delirious grandure, wanting, or rather demanding so much from the world, that I ultimately didn't deserve. Now stuck in a weird spiral of low self esteem, doubtfull and wishfull thinking, I'm still slowly piecing together the events, decisions and choices, to understand why and how I acted the way I did, and what this means for the future.

Ultimately I do have one question, those of you who found spinning plates meaningless or unsatisfying at a certain point, how did you combat this? Did you take a break, monk mode style? Did you continue and push through and it became enjoyable again? Did you opt for a relationship/partnership? I feel that every girl I look at, I ask myself If she would fit my criteria for a partner, and with 99% of them it's an instant no, resulting in my lack of willingness to invest further time, which makes everything less enjoyable. As much as I like the non obligated sex act, I crave the emotionally dependent act of making love with someone you are committed to. Does anyone else feel this way? Because I loved what I had, I had the cake, I had the commitment, I had the benefits that came with it and was hoping it would go on for a year or two. But the mixture of redpill awarness and bluepill ideology got me worked up in a frenzy. And I feel like sitting at an infinite roundabout, with too many exits to decide which one to take.

Since I feel that my finalized goal or vision is the traditional monogamous relationship, I feel the empirical need to learn how to maintain one by being in one, as opposed to only hooking up and spinning plates. Having to go through the honeymoon phase, vet their friends and family, it's all time consuming and heavy in investment. But I feel it necessary as I'd likely kill myself if I finally get ready to settle down, only to momentarily forget myself like I have in my past relationships and commit the cardinal sin, or poor decision-making and re-enter the spiral of this blue vortex. Because right now I'm young, stupid and eager to learn. Later in life you're mature, hopefully stoic and likely experienced, yet we all make Ill choices, and I personally uterly hate making bad decisions in life.. maybe it's just my ego.