THOTsaurus updates

IoSonCalaf · 2021-09-11T14:27:45+00:00

420 friendly = I am almost always stoned

ToxicMasculinity1981 · 2021-09-11T15:18:49+00:00

"I want a guy who is Ambitious" - Have money. Whether or not you're actually ambitious is irrelevant. You could be a trust fund baby who has never worked a day in their life whose only ambition is to play video games all day, but that doesn't matter as long as you've got a fat bank account.

cryptotelemetry · 2021-09-11T18:02:51+00:00

No fuckboys - All fuckboys all the time.

GoodApollo506 · 2021-09-11T17:30:40+00:00

“I’m a package deal”/“My Kid(s) is/are my world”

-My kids need a new daddy with money

_ginger_beard_man_ · 2021-09-12T04:22:58+00:00

These aren’t gender specific, and most are attached to online dating, but a lot of them definitely could apply:

‘Good vibes only’: I lack the maturity to deal with the full spectrum of human emotion and would really rather you didn’t call me out on my bullshit.

‘’Just ask’: from the outset, I will be requiring you to make all the effort in this relationship.

‘Love to laugh’: I’m that person who writes ‘lol’ after every sentence in the hopes it makes the basic shit I’m saying appear witty, lol.

‘Looking to date and see what happens’: looking to go on one or two dates tops, to see if sex will happen. After that, looking to see if you’ll Netflix and chill with me for a few months until you want more than minimal effort. I have no interest in a relationship, but I don’t want to say that up front, because then sex/company might not happen.

‘Sapiosexual’: I’m very intelligent, so I also want a person who’s also very intelligent. I mean at least intelligent enough to appreciate how intelligent I am. Preferably not someone who challenges me, or deconstructs my world view with incisive arguments. Basically, someone who will never embarrass me or upstage me at a dinner party.

‘No drama’: all of my past relationships have been caustic and volatile, and I have yet to figure out that I am the common denominator.

‘The kid is my niece/my god son/my friends’: everyone digs potential partners who are good with kids, right? Well, I am! Look! Here’s a photo to prove it! No, my sister/family member/friend does not know their child is on an online dating profile. Also, please don’t have any kids of your own (gross!). I don’t really like them all that much.

‘Like travelling’ (followed by a number of countries): everyone likes travelling, it doesn’t make up for your distinct lack of an actual personality.

‘No hookups’: I will totally break this rule if you’re ‘hot enough’, but shame everyone else who falls outside of this criteria.

‘I have great friends/family/career and I’m looking for someone to settle down with’: I’m woefully unhappy with my life and foisting my expectations on you to make it all better.

‘I love going out and having a good time, but I also enjoy staying in’: I don’t want to put in effort to write an actual profile and this seems like the safest answer to make up for that.

‘I’m sick of the dating scene. I want someone real. No games’: I keep going to the same handful of bars these last few years, and I don’t understand why I get older and everyone else seemingly stays the same age.

‘I’m looking for someone who (Insert giant list of characteristics here)’: I have no idea what I want, but this list also masks the fact that I bring absolutely nothing to the table.

‘I’m not expecting much from this site’: This is my last ditch attempt on here, I just don’t want to come across as desperate.

‘I’m a total smart ass’: I will make up for my actual lack of wit by belittling anything and everything you say.

‘I’m pretty laid back and chill’: I have ZERO ambition and have mistaken that for a philosophy on life. I’ll likely shrug when you break up with me.

‘I’m looking for an open-minded person’: I’m currently banging 8 people, and hope you’re ok with being number 9.

‘I’m new to this online dating thing’: no, I’m not. This is attempt #6,678,524

‘My friend convinced me to do this’: my overbearing sense of pride is unable to reconcile the fact that I’m looking for dates online, so I’m blaming my friend who made a passing comment about online dating.

‘I’m living life to the fullest’: I’m an overgrown child who drinks until sunrise or until I pass out in front of my roommates.

‘I spend a lot of time thinking about the universe’: I smoke A LOT of drugs. There’s also nothing going on up there, I just wanted to sound deep.

‘There is no typical Friday night’: I want you to think I’m unpredictable and exciting. In all actuality, I go to the same bar and look uncomfortably and longingly at my ex seated across the bar.

‘I just want to see what’s out there’: I just went through a really bad breakup, and instead of, y’know, working on myself and my griefcase, I’m just going to use you as an emotional punching bag. I’m so not ready to date, but I’m not comfortable with being single and on my own.

‘Do you have Instagram?’: I can’t tell if you’re cute or not. I need to see more pictures.

‘Let’s just be spontaneous’: I will never make actual plans with you, but I will hit you up for that 2AM booty call when I need to feel validated.

‘Heyyyyyyyyyy’: the number of y’s directly correlates to how many weeks it’s been since I last had sex.

‘Hey’: I have no idea how to start this conversation because I’m intellectually lazy, but you better respond with something witty and charming or I will unmatch you immediately because I’m judgemental AF.

‘This app sucks’: my mind cannot fathom how me, God’s gift to humanity, is still single.

‘Tired of shitty people, looking for something real’: casual sex got really unfulfilling after a while, so now I’m looking for my free ride with minimal effort.

‘We will get along great if you don’t like (this), (this) or (that)’: I am... quite literally, the worst.

‘I rarely ever check this app’: I totally check this app regularly, and will respond to you at lightning speed.

‘🤣😘😍😫👍🏻😏’: I don’t even know what I’m saying, but I’m 87% sure I want to have sex with you.

‘I’m not like other people on here’: please, please have sex with me immediately.

‘I’m adventurous’: birth control in any form ... is for suckers

‘I’m financially stable/successful’: are you not impressed by this picture of me on someone else’s yacht?

‘I love a glass of vino in front of a roaring fire’: I’m hiding my rampant alcoholism.

‘Not looking for anything serious’: I will breadcrumb your ass until I find something better, but if I don’t, I’ll settle for you.

‘People describe me as sarcastic’: no one I know has the nerve to tell me I’m awful.

‘Family is super important to me’: I still live at home.

‘I love to smile’: I’m kind of dumb, but I hope you find that to be in a sort of endearing way.

‘I’m kind of a goofball’: I’m only fun when I’m drunk. ALL ABOARD THE HOT MESS EXPRESS!

‘I can be shy at first’: I will never respond to your messages.

‘I love meaningful conversations’: I will interrogate you on our first date.

‘Impress me’: I have the personality of wet cardboard, and I’m also conceited and demanding.

‘Don’t bother messaging me if...’: I’m probably both ignorant and a racist.

‘My friends tell me I look like (insert famous person here)’: I have an over-inflated sense of self worth to match my sense of entitlement.

‘I’m fluent in sarcasm’: my personality is absolute trash.

‘My life is already awesome’: I’m beyond disingenuous.

‘I’m looking for some good banter’: I think insulting you is a substitution for conversation.

‘I have 4.9 stars on uber’: there is absolutely nothing remotely interesting about me.

‘Looking for someone who makes me want to delete this app’: I’m going to ask you to define our relationship on the second date.

‘I appreciate the finer things in life’: I’m beyond insufferable, peasant!

‘I know the difference between “your” and “you’re”!!!’: I’m insufferable, but at least my text messages will be readable.

‘I’m a coffee snob’: I am beyond insufferable, on a really, really deep level.

‘I can tie a cherry stem with my tongue’: I want you to know my unabated love for oral sex comes with a hefty need for constant positive validation.

‘Travel. Art. Design. Film’: I take road trips to Target, you uncultured swine.

‘Confident and driven’: it’ll be about an hour into our first date before I’ll stop talking about myself and ask you a question.

‘Kind of an old soul’: I loved the movie ‘Garden State’. You loved that movie, right? RIGHT?!?!?!?

‘Make me laugh’: DANCE, MONKEY!

‘Hopeless romantic’: I’m needy AF.

‘Seeking nice person’: want to be my glucose guardian?

‘I don’t do one night stands, or hookups’: I actually do, but I have an overarching desire to feel superior, and slut shame those who openly enjoy casual sex. I am... quite possibly, the worst.

‘LMAOOOO, I don’t even know why I’m on here’: I am so incredibly lonely, holy shit.

‘(Insert unchangeable physical characteristic here)? Swipe left’: I’m shallow AF.

‘I like to party’: I love getting drunk off my ass, but deep down I hate my life.

‘(Insert motivational quote or spiritual nonsense)’: I’m truly sad on the inside

‘Looking for friends’: add me on social media before we bang, please.

‘Please know how to keep the conversation going’: I’m boring and give one word answers. So you’re going to have back pains from carrying our conversation.

‘Just here to see what’s out there’: I’m married, but I’m window shopping.

‘My kids are my world/I’m going through a divorce’: I’m a dumpster fire of epic proportions, and I also think you’re stupid for not realizing kids should be a priority like a normal person.

‘I’m down to earth’: I’m deliberately uneducated. I will probably not vaccinate our potential future children, either.

‘I have impossibly high standards’: I’m a potato

‘All about that side hustle’: I need a financial advisor before I ruin your AND my credit.

(Any profile where you are married and in an open relationship and your face is obscured/not visible in all photos and you’re not sharing it because you’re ‘being discreet’): my husband / wife have no idea I’m on here, or that our relationship is actually open. Please don’t let them know I’m looking for a side piece.

(Any profile where there’s only a shot of landscape (with no people), or cliche ‘inspirational’ quotes): I’m the husband/wife of the person above, and I’m just looking to catch my partner in the act so I can divorce their cheating ass. I’ll see you all in 6-12 months when it’s finalized.

‘Profile under construction’: I’m never going to put in the minimum effort required in this or our relationship. Also, I may be trapped in the 90s via time machine.

Harry_Teak · 2021-09-11T20:55:48+00:00

"Not here for hookups" - Here for hookups. (Some restrictions may apply)

Sea_Chocolate9166 · 2021-09-11T14:01:13+00:00

I wish i had the same flair as u u/DeeplyDisturbed1

TheSigilStone · 2021-09-11T14:07:42+00:00

Thank you for your continued contributions. We're gonna need them.

yellomachine · 2021-09-11T19:59:08+00:00

"This is the type of man I match with. Don't be that type of man."

LOL

peguy2000 · 2021-09-12T12:35:50+00:00

I can attest this. Last girl i dated before i went mgtow ghosted me after telling me for 2 years she loved me. She future faked and love bombed me a lot. We were both in our early 20s.

After she ghosted me for a month, i considerd the relationship to be over and then she eventually told me shes done with me and that she needs to find herself and focus on herself. Little did i know that that meant fucking as many guys as possible.

I later found out she was leading a double life for a long time with multiple sugar daddies and side dudes.

Now shes dating some poor sucker and she got rid of her piercings and stuff and is a fully devoted christian virgin,you cant make this shit up

anykah_badu · 2021-09-11T19:20:49+00:00

"Don't waste my time" is such a terrible thing to write on a dating profile

Tells a whole story basically about them having a really bad time so far and taking that out on others rather than coming up with any effective solution for their dating woes

animalmother2017 · 2021-09-12T15:43:28+00:00

‘I’m actually 24, I don’t know why it says I’m 27?? tee hee’ : I’ve been riding the carousel and “dating” guys for cash and prizes since I was 15.

melonmagellan · 2021-09-11T17:33:08+00:00

Christian = recovering (or not) alcoholic and AA frequent flyer.

slipkid223 · 2021-09-11T15:49:04+00:00

Excellent summary

bilged · 2021-09-13T22:40:43+00:00

Reminds me of this classic.

mustangfrank · 2021-09-12T15:25:57+00:00

Don't waste my time if you are a decent man, but you are welcome to waste as much money as you want. BTW NO SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SeedsOfDoubt · 2021-09-15T19:06:15+00:00

"If you (insert undesirable behavior here) _____ then don't HMU.." - I keep attracting the sort of men who do undesirable things. I cannot accept that this is the level of men with whom I naturally match, so please stop reminding me.

Correction: She keep choosing "the sort of men who do undesirable things." Women attract all kinds of men. This is a "her problem" with a "her solution."

rising-waters · 2021-09-14T08:55:55+00:00

phraseology

Found the pilot (or ATC).

braucifur · 2021-09-28T17:01:36+00:00

Forgot "I love to travel!" - It doesn't add to my notch count when I go abroad and bang Pedro's (non-US Chads).

Title	THOTsaurus updates
Author	DeeplyDisturbed1
Upvotes	135
Comments	50
Date	September 11, 2021 1:02 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen/comments/pm71k9/thotsaurus_updates/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/WhereAreAllTheGoodMen/thotsaurus-updates.1069286 https://theredarchive.com/post/1069286

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