I apologize in advance for the somewhat disorganized nature of this post.

My question is about the post in the handbook titled "As a woman, it's not your job to pursue men. Dating should be a stress-free experience for you." Link: https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/cubaw8/as_a_woman_its_not_your_job_to_pursue_men_dating/.

If there's a lull in the conversation, I usually get pretty stressed about it and go into overdrive trying to come up with a way to keep the conversation going. I went on a Zoom date today with someone who was initially the one to reach out to me on a dating app, has been a profuse texter, and has complimented me multiple times on my appearance - however, beyond the initial contact and the texting, I have been the one doing the legwork to move things forward. As an example, I brought up the plans for the virtual date in order to confirm that he still wanted to do it - he didn't bring it up on his own. Additionally, today I reached out to confirm our plans (we had both decided on this afternoon), set up the Zoom session, and texted him the link.

I'm aware that many of my actions have been against FDS advice; however, I'm 24, I've never been in a relationship or even kissed anyone, and I had never been on a date before last year. I disregarded the advice because I wanted to find out for myself what would happen and just experiment. In part, the feminist in me wanted to rebel against the notion that I must behave in certain ways just because I'm a woman, but as it turned out, I can see that there is more complexity to the situation and I see the credibility in the claim that women do themselves a disservice by doing too much. If indeed women are as coveted by men as FDS claims, then it must be gaslighting on a massive scale for women to ever feel the need to prove themselves on a date.

I think part of the reason I felt so much responsibility for keeping the conversation going and keeping it lively was that, even though I technically wasn't the one to ask him out, it was as if HE was doing ME a favor by doing the Zoom call. Of course, I can't read his mind and I don't want to jump to conclusions, but I felt like it was on ME to do a song and dance to impress him rather than the other way around. This is what always seems to happen to me when I'm interested in someone - maybe it's because I unintentionally establish myself as the pursuer... I don't know.

My overall sense is that the guys I've gone out with have genuinely been interested in and attracted to me. Yet at the same time, I always fall into the pattern of being the one to suggest meeting in person (all of the in-person dates were before I found FDS, and took place at a park or a beach due to COVID). My sense is, it's not as simple as "If he doesn't initiate with me, he doesn't like me that much." Maybe I'm just unwilling to admit to my own ugliness, but I find it hard to believe that no guy is attracted to me enough to be the one to pursue. Perhaps it just so happens that all of the guys I've connected with on these apps have been fairly feminine in the way they approach romantic relationships, and that's the reason why I always find myself taking the lead. Perhaps I have a deep-seated masculinity in me, and when guys sense that, they feel they can hang back even if they're genuinely interested in me because they know I'll do the work.

One thing I know for sure is that this Zoom date definitely wasn't a "stress-free" experience for me. No date ever has been. Now that I think about it, I think I fall into "pick-me" mode and - maybe because I invariably become the pursuer - I start unconsciously trying to prove myself to these guys rather than asking myself if they're even what I'm looking for. It's clear to me in hindsight that I have a deeply ingrained habit of trying to impress and prove myself to guys - and I never have fun or enjoy myself when spending my time this way. Perhaps this stems from an inability to see myself as "the prize" which, I'll admit, I can't really fathom.

Anyway, I know I disobeyed FDS advice, but in my defense the dust in my mind is still settling and I'm still working on integrating these new ideas about relationships. What are your thoughts on the way I went about this?

Going back to what I said about women possibly being gaslighted, do you think that men (consciously or unconsciously) gaslight women into thinking that they're not worth much, and that it's on them to demonstrate their value? It's my perception that if this is so, the gaslighting usually takes the form of the man expressing interest/enthusiasm and then falling back while the woman does the rest of the work. In hindsight, I can see that today during my Zoom date, I really didn't hold myself in very high esteem - not due to the way I behaved, but as the root cause of it.

Edit: When I mentioned the gaslighting, I meant that men seem to imply that women aren't worth much through their actions/demeanor. The gaslighting seems to come in to play when the men then act surprised that women don't want a second date with them. For example, this happened with the third guy I went out with: I did all the leading/initiating, and then when I realized (in the days following the date) that I'd fallen into a role I didn't want, I got mad. The guy I'd gone out with was still texting me - as if it was obvious that he valued me, when in reality, his form of "valuing" me took the form of letting me know he was interested so that I could initiate and manifest our plans. He intimated that he wanted to get physical with me, and that made me even more resentful. He wanted to be "the woman" in every respect and still get the sex. I don't know how to explain it, but it seems he managed to convince me it was on ME to impress HIM, even though he already knew he wanted sex, regardless of how good my song and dance was.