40M codependent married to 42F codependent.

TheFamilyAlpha · 2016-12-01T18:19:14+00:00

Remember a few things:

1 - This was your fault. Your alcoholism, your failed marriage, choosing the wrong woman or possibly choosing the right woman and fucking it up - that's on you.

2 - You aren't just the problem, you're also the solution. Keep moving forward and do so because you want a better life; never because you want to prove to her you can make it - fuck her, she's out of the picture.

3 - I have a better relationship with my kids as I am not covering up her bullshit I'm glad the relationship has improved, are they grown? If not, they are still developing and are looking at you for how they are supposed to perform as an adult.

Don't bash your wife, just nothing her. She is nothing, she gets no love or hate - she gets total apathy.

Own life man, the past is done move forward.

enfier · Thu Dec 1 18:11:31 2016 UTC

Congrats OP on the opposite of a Victim Puke.

stonepimpletilists · 2016-12-01T18:10:26+00:00

Hope you've got this planned out a bit better than you've described here.

Go through your next year, then next 3. find some things that will get you closer to your desired end state (you do have an ideal outcome you're working for, right?) and find some things you know you do that would get in the way of that.

If I have to guess and /u/ex_addict_bro can confirm, is that you may be riding a high, the feeling of control, but without the requisite work. The irrational confidence is a good thing, but like a duck, you still have to paddle your ass of out of sight to ensure that you're not just going to blow this up like a red pill rambo.

Also, not sure what you're being reminded of here, other than not wanting to be co dependant.

ReddJive · 2016-12-01T17:26:57+00:00

Holy Jesus.

You do realize you are Eeyore right?

BobbyPeru · 2016-12-01T19:54:20+00:00

Whoa whoa whoa. So you just swallowed the pill, and you are making a huge decision over the weekend? I'm not saying I'm against the decision to end a marriage when the time is right, but what have you done to try to right the ship that you have set off course? Have you put in the labor intensive work? A few months is hardly enough time to put in labor intensive work.

Breaking up a relationship doesn't fix codependency. Have you tried coda groups or Al-Anon?

echo2112 · 2016-12-01T17:26:44+00:00

I admire you endurance for pain, and the confidence to do what's right. I salute you, sir.

innominating · 2016-12-01T18:14:29+00:00

Is Codependency No More worthy sidebar material?

sh0ckley · 2016-12-01T19:29:57+00:00

Welcome. Glad to have another double winner around here. Keep your foot on the gas.

screechhater · 2016-12-02T01:07:12+00:00

Welcome. Glad to have you aboard.

Even happier to see you will ne lifting

WISNIFG will be a great book for you.

When is the last time you spoke with your sponsor ? Attended a meeting ?

I am so happy for you to lead your children to trust with your change. Congrats. You will never regret these actions.

Stay vigilant lift and lift and read

druganswer · 2016-12-04T20:57:27+00:00

Whenever I see someone here that says they are codependent, I never think that their wife is also codependent. Codependent women don't send you to MRP. They annoy you until you dump them, much like a beta codependent guy getting dumped by his normal wife/gf.

Codependent guys here flock to narcissistic women and it makes perfect sense. The guy who needs someone in his life is an easy target for a woman who needs to feel like she is the most important thing in the world.

Also, codependent women don't call you out on your bluff to leave.

Your wife is either normal and you're a beta piece of shit or your wife is a narcissist (or some other form of personality disorder) and feeds off of your codependency.

If the first one, welcome to MRP, you'll do great. If the second one, you'll still do great, but your relationship is probably over.

redearththeory · 2016-12-02T06:36:42+00:00

A speaker tape I was listening to recently defined alcoholism as the restless, irritable discontent feeling that causes the compulsion to drink. A lot of my alcoholic and codependant behavior was seeking things outside myself to make me feel better and relieve that restless irritable, discontent feeling that I relieved with alcohol before I got sober. At the beginning of every meeting we read the pertinent idea (b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. For me, women and money are probably the two main human powers I have used to try to relieve my alcoholism. As a consequence, women and people giving me money (bosses mostly) totally dominated me via my compulsion to control them, like the actor running the whole show. In steps 4 through 9 I see how I have been angry, fearful, dependent on and controlling of women (among others) and take actions to straighten out the past and stop this pattern. With MRP principles I see clearly the weakness in this dependence on women and learn a new way.

BluepillProfessor · 2016-12-03T21:06:02+00:00

I joined the Gym and start tomorrow with the 5x5 stronglift program.

Why do they always bury the most important piece in the exact middle of the post?

I do not love her and only stay out of fear of the unknown.

That is the worst reason for staying married I have ever heard. In part I had guys like you in mind when I wrote my book

logger1234 · 2016-12-01T21:24:02+00:00

Okay. Welcome.

It looks, to me, like you have become aware that the Disney princess ideal marragie - the happily ever after with no work - is a lie.

Good.

It also looks like you have discovered the right place.

Good.

And that you have not read it all, nor do you understand all the principles, but you are READING and LIFTING.

Good.

Keep reading, keep lifting.

Right now, learn the basics. Simple stuff like acta, non verbal. Three examples:

1) ACTA, NON VERBA

"I told my wife that I am not suffering through her bullshit for another 5 years expecting everything to be OK ... I detached successfully and told her I wanted out of the marriage ... I only speak to her about my children and nothing else."

---> Right now she sees you as a low-value man. Expect every ultimatum to be responded to with her genuinely believing it is a get out of jail card.

Now realize that she is your sparring partner, not your soulmate. Why TELL her you plan to leave? Dude, she can plan to build a narrative against you. She can now see a lawyer first. She can drive the bus.

I would STFU about all relationship stuff with her, good and especially bad. Hopefully she assumes your idle threat was an idle threat. Then GET BUSY. Work on yourself. Get yourself back in good physical shape. Work on your diet. Become the kind of person people want to be around. Enjoy the kids. If and when you decide to punch out, DO IT. Don't threaten or do some passive-agressive "I'm not talking to you" game. Which leads me to #2.

2) MRP MEN ARE FUN

"I detached successfully and told her I wanted out of the marriage ... I only speak to her about my children and nothing else."

Dude, MRP men are fun. We have awesome lives. We get stuff done. People want to be around us. We project strong, positive energy, so much that distance is a form of punishment.

Not at first. Most have an anger stage. That's what STFU is for. Change the subject, don't be butthurt, talk about something else.

My point: Don't distance your wife and punish you. You are not valuable enough yet (in her eyes, or, given your alcoholism, probably in yours) for that to be a punishment. Instead, be fun and positive. If you do divorce in 12 months, she'll feel like she is losing something. That won't happen if you are strategically tactically no fun guy.

I'm not saying pursue her. I'm saying when you're in the room, you're fun. If you have to fake it, fake it.

I REALLY struggle with this right now. I grok it intellectually, and yet being in the same room with ConstantlyAngryPerson (TM) (C) (R) it's hard to stay positive and fun.

3) Stay Married for a bit while you figure stuff out

Don't rush to file papers. Work on yourself. Get out of her frame. Work on yourself. Build your own life.

Next Steps for you

The next step is probably to understand these things above as problems and mistakes, intellectually. Over time, the time it dawns on you that you did a BluePillMisDeed will shrink. Eventually, you'll recognize it while you are making the decision, in time to make the RedPill Decision. Hopefully, the RedPill option will become habit.

I hope that helps.

Welcome, man. AskMRP is the right place for now, I think. Continue to post here and if you want to be challenged the next step up (which is really just make plans and keep them) consider the OYS thread on /r/marriedredpill

Oh, also, consider Married Men's Sex Life Primer by BluePillProf.

https://www.amazon.com/Saving-Low-Sex-Marriage-Seduction-ebook/dp/B01BGZO1WK/

$5.00 on kindle.

Title	40M codependent married to 42F codependent.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	7
Comments	52
Date	December 1, 2016 4:59 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5fxnth/40m_codependent_married_to_42f_codependent/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/40m-codependent-married-to-42f-codependent.206826 https://theredarchive.com/post/206826

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