Her son

FRedington · 2016-12-13T23:00:54+00:00

Purely speculative:
In the divorce with kid's father, Mom got full custody.
She also accused the father of abusing, sexual assault on the sun. So, Dad never sees his son.
Kid is miserable living with the bitch that is her mom, the cunt that has kept him from his dad.
Anything, absolutely anything that reminds him in any way of his dad drives him to tears immediately.
The kid is suicidally depressed and at the edge of psychosis.

This kid will murder you in your bed some night.
OR
His mom will pull the same shit on you that she pulled on his dad.

... just my speculation

The_Litz · 2016-12-13T22:32:56+00:00

The kid cried because you failed to use paragraphs.

Other than that, he has issues. There is not enough info about the domestic situation so just guessing here: Where was he staying before? What role does the father play? Bullying at school? Depression?

Don't try and be his friend, be a masculine example. Your gf giving cooking instructions, not on. Make it a fun guy night and get him involved.

He has to adapt to his new environment and school, it's tough. Keep an eye on him, get him professional help, teenage depression is serious.

anythinginc · 2016-12-14T00:27:33+00:00

About 2 years ago her teenage son came to live with us (he is 16 now)

Ok, so his mom fucked up bad enough to not even get 50/50, or just didn't care, so he lived with his broken father (not wanted by him either so lived with aunt!) until the age of consent (14 in this case I bet). God knows how bad it got, but seeing the men that come dragging ass in here, divorce busters, and surviving infidelity I can fucking imagine.

He has issues i think...

Yes, yes he does. Family therapy, meds, and counseling are needed

her son and i dont even talk to each other and the tension is beating up on our relationship.

So, another human being has lived in your house for two years, you dont talk to each other, and all the insight you have into his life is "I think he has issues?" You might be the autistic one OP.

Anyway, his mom left his dad at the hypergamically stereotypical 7 year itch, likely because she wasn't haaaappy, or maybe he was "abusive" or "mean"....but her son is old enough to sense that is bullshit, and has watched what his mother leaving has done to his dad. He's sad, he's angry, and here is feeling like he's a prisoner in a house that is not his. Maybe he blames himself for everything like most children of divorce do.

I would suck a dick for a link to this PDF I found a year or two ago about being a good coparent in a blended family, it was sooo good. Google "coparent divorce blended family" though and read all that shit. Likely not a lot you can do without some sort of breakthrough though, lots of people have strained relationships with their fathers, and you're not even a stepfather, you're just a dude fucking his mom.

The most I can remember of that PDF though:

do not try to force a relationship
you can not be the disciplinarian for a couple years, maybe never
operate in a positive, reciprocal manner
the best thing is for the child to see how happy their parent is and to feel included

BooksofMagic · 2016-12-14T00:31:37+00:00

I can't really tell you what to do, but to me there is no mystery here about why it's happening. He's crying because his mom caves in every time he does. Good example is in your own post - "tells me its not right to tell him to go outside if he doesn't want to". He's never had a strong male role model in his life to push him to be better, only his mom that feels bad so never makes him do anything. His whole life, he's essentially acted like the only role model he had (a woman), and acting like this with other boys won't make him any friends. He's alienated himself from everyone else because he knows he doesn't fit and and has given up trying.

If I was in your situation, I would try to engage him in his world first. Build a rapport with the kid. Do stuff with him that he enjoys and get him to like you. Then you can start to influence him. The biggest problem I can foresee with this is that it's probably been tried before with other guys depending on how many the mom had before you.

The MOM is actually your biggest obstacle here. She will defend him and what she has done to/for him tooth and nail. You'll need to reason with her first, and failing that, you may need to seriously consider kicking them both to the curb. Their family dynamic predates you, making you the outsider here. This is one of the biggest reasons that TRP or MRP recommend against getting involved with post-wall women with child baggage.

Sorry I couldn't give you better news - hopefully someone else here can suggest a better plan of action.

TL;DR: This 16 year old kid is Mommies little boy, and you need to find a way to connect with him and change that dynamic while holding Mommy at bay.

stonepimpletilists · 2016-12-14T01:16:20+00:00

Is she worth this?

screechhater · 2016-12-14T01:42:48+00:00

Ship out. Or, live like a prisoner in your own home "White Knight" is not healthy, and she re enforced with "my son" statements

TheFamilyAlpha · 2016-12-14T12:44:09+00:00

I am the bad guy for wanting him to have a social life

Whose frame are you in? If you were in your own frame you'd laugh at the obsurdity of this notion. But, you allow that thought to linger & question your actions.

Dude, the kid is fucked up, maybe there is another approach you can take, such as finding out what he will do.

Also, the whole phone thing, I don't play that game. If I'm out I call friends and family on having their face in the screen and there's no fucking way my kids will sit there and waste away looking at pixels.

It may be too late for you, but try to get the family unit out together doing something.

Camping, gym, vacation, something

If that doesn't work, I'd tell her that the relationship is over as the family that lives under my leadership will walk my path.

You don't have to care for this woman or her son, society may label you as a bad dude for this, but society is fucking weak.

Why waste years of your life with a woman who doesn't follow you and a boy who won't speak to you? Is that beneficial to anyone?

SampsonBrass · 2016-12-14T01:21:48+00:00

Your approach seems ham fisted and simplistic to me. Try a different one. It's great to tell teens directly what you think they ought to do but it rarely works if it's something that doesn't feel authentic to them.

The way I see it you have two choices. Decide you're going to make him a project and then you learn how to get him to where you think he needs to be using intellect and subtlety. Help him out and help the world out by saving us all from another miserable piece of shit no hoper kid.

Or fuck off out of there because it's going nowhere the way it's set up now.

BobbyPeru · 2016-12-14T04:55:10+00:00

I'd back off a little bit, especially emotionally. I was in a similar situation to this pre-RP, about eight years ago. In my situation, my stepson was extremely damaged from One of my wife's ex's. There is a reason he is behaving that way.

The kid is hurting badly, and the mom most likely has bad guilt issues, and that is why she takes his side. It has nothing to do with you.

In my situation, it got bad, really bad. The kid was constantly trying to put me in the middle, the bad guy role. Eventually, I had to play it like a game of chess, and I saw things coming to a head. Then, I removed myself and let him have it out with his mom. He was out of the house within a month of that incident, and this was right after he turned 18.

Sometimes kids are so damaged, it's almost impossible to make a positive difference in their life. But, today I have an OK relationship with him, and I don't put myself in the middle of shit anymore. Funny thing is my wife will subtly put me in the middle of things with him on occasion, but I will call her out on that every time.

I don't know if any of that made sense or helped at all – just trying to share my experience

Nyquil-Junkie · 2016-12-14T01:26:26+00:00

Her kid... not your problem. Treat him like he is a room mate you can't do anything about..... because he is, and you can't.

Lock your bedroom door at night so you don't wake up with a fork in your eyeball. or... Throw them both out. Life is too short for this kinda shit.

ParadoxThatDrivesUs · 2016-12-14T05:20:28+00:00

Sixteen is too old and too fucked up to make much of a difference. Just be there and be a force for stability and sanity, without expecting any thanks or cooperation from either son or mom. Best case, you can try to develop a relationship after he's an adult.

Griever114 · 2016-12-14T14:41:06+00:00

Why the fuck did you step into this mess? Single moms are like walking into a minefield.

drty_pr · 2016-12-14T16:07:26+00:00

Step parenting is the most thankless job on the planet. Don't ever think your going to be appreciated for what you do. I have seen so much of it in my 32 years.

My advice, sit down the 3 of you and set a very clear boundry of whats to be expected with a very clear consequence of what will happen if not.

Realistically, if he is this damaged, do you think he can make it on his own? He will be with you guys for many years to come. You need to truely ask yourself if its worth it?

LewisCross · 2016-12-14T18:12:13+00:00

Should i tell them to shape up or ship out?

Start with this:

What do you want? Do you want to keep a relationship with this woman? Is the conflict with her son worth it?

Personally I would tell them to ship out and skip the shape up part, because this isn't going to change. But if you decide to stay, here's what you do.

Impose clear boundaries with her kid. You will not parent this child in any way. No making him eat his veggies, no encouraging him to do or not do, be or not be, anything. No consoling him or trying to "understand" when he cries.

You will not support this child financially. Mom is expected to support her child from her own funds/income/child support from dad/whatever. But not from you. He does not use your things, eat your food, drive your car, or consume your time.

You are not anything to this child other than a cordial, polite roommate. He treats you with basic respect and stays out of your way and stays within the boundaries. You are polite to him.

Mom imposes strict rules on him to make sure he follows house rules (bedtimes, loud music, friends over, etc.) If mom wants to raise her son her way, fine; but you're not getting involved at all.

Also, Mom doesn't get to use son as an excuse for not giving attention to her relationship with you.

If Mom doesn't like any of this, you're done.

But, none of this is going to work. Eventually this will end your relationship because she'll get pissed about something, and will refuse sex with you because she's "distracted" by her son and "worried" about him.

BluepillProfessor · 2016-12-17T03:06:43+00:00

I am no expert in this area but this is what I think, The kid misses his dad and you aint it. You are trying to be some type of weird hybrid mom-fucker/not dad but tells me what to do.

I think you need to define your roles. You are not his father and I doubt that will ever work but you could be an Uncle or older brother. Sounds like the kid needs allies.

Out of the blue he starts crying full out, tears, sobbing the works. I was dumbfounded.

Well fuck dude, maybe some guy is banging mom and his dad "role model" is not his real dad and by the way the guy banging mom doesn't even like him.

Also, being a teenager sucks.

My best guess is that when you start in with the "Dad Voice" it triggers him. Since you are not his dad, I would try something else.

I have tried to get along with him

Have you invited him to a ball game? A round of laser tag with mom and her BF? Think physical activity where you can begin to bond as men.

I see you have noticed that these Millennials are totally fucked.

Title	Her son
Author	Rampage6687
Upvotes	3
Comments	28
Date	December 13, 2016 9:43 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5i6f6b/her_son/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/her-son.206775 https://theredarchive.com/post/206775

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