Lost Cause?

pullypants · 2016-03-14T22:22:17+00:00

Sounds to me like she's erected big walls based on past abuse to protect herself. That's going to take time to rebuild the trust and intimacy to pull them down. One thing that really seems to accelerate this is fun. If you've got all the other stuff down, have you tried upping the fun? It can really help heal wounds.

PemBayliss · 2016-03-14T17:22:33+00:00

Is it possible that I can become King Alpha and she'll still never be able to get over my AFC days?

Yes. That depends on her, not on you. You can't make her get over her "severe emotional wounds". Her hanging onto those is her choice, and she is the only one who can heal from them if she chooses to do so.

Her inability to "deeply kiss" you and "trust" you again is not just "I don't think you're hot enough to fuck every day", it's also "I'm really hurt and I am choosing to stay hurt and live in the pain". Those things are on her. There's no guarantee that your improvement will cause her to be sexually attracted to you; or that she will choose to heal.

Her choosing to stay in the hurt and pain is on her. Your fixing yourself doesn't mean you always get the response you thought you would.

MRPCowboy · 2016-03-14T18:18:27+00:00

There's a reason the proverbial folk advice is:

Be attractive
Don't be unattractive

This is called the dual control model and it is backed by a lot of high-quality science (and common sense). You probably have #1 (her turn ons) sufficiently covered at this point based on what you've written here. It's the #2 (her turn offs) that are getting in your way.

I understand that this is probably female code for "I don't think you're hot enough to fuck every day" and she's probably right.

While you can overcome the turn offs by upping the turn ons, it's an increasingly steep hill and comes at very, very great effort. My advice is to work on hunting the "turn offs" and addressing them directly.

She still says that she can't deeply kiss me and "trust" me again.

That's because you're hitting a turn off.

stonepimpletilists · 2016-03-14T17:16:08+00:00

Yup. Mental boxes are hard to get out of, harder to accept people getting out of.

IASGame · 2016-03-14T17:27:50+00:00

Ideally she would let go of the "wounds" just from your improvement.

More realistically, she may only let go if she is forced to let go because she understands at a deeper level that if she doesn't she will instead have to let go of you (through dread, you having a true abundance mentality and outcome independence, up to being willing to divorce).

And it is entirely possible that even then the wife wouldn't let go of the wounds either, in which case the question is whether you let her keep the status and stay with her.

As one of the mods (I think BPP) it is a frustrating/sad that the wife only performs optimally when you don't need her to.

ParadoxThatDrivesUs · 2016-03-14T18:46:27+00:00

No offense, but something seems a little off here. What's your basis for thinking your SMV is about par with your wife's? After 10 years of being a fat, lazy fuck, your standards may a bit off. Sounds like your still trying to lose weight. How often do you lift? I would guess after two years you should be pretty muscular, but it depends on where you started and your consistency.

Knowing almost nothing about your wife, it seems odd for her to openly admit that she has severe emotional wounds, etc. Are you sure she isn't just using your past behavior as a handy pretext for avoiding sex and affection, when the real issue is just lack of attraction? Again, no offense, just throwing it out as a possibility.

druganswer · 2016-03-14T18:33:34+00:00

As not owning your shit as this sounds I would try to blame your years of bullshit on something her hamster can digest. Giving her a "this was then, this is what changed" will seriously help her overcome this lack of believing your transformation. Maybe there is a better way to go about it, but she needs to know that some switch isn't going to hit and you go back to your old pussy ass yelling and crying ways.

Shit, say you went to the doctor for your physical and he said your testosterone is way higher now and asked if you were on steroids. Then tell her how you told him you started lifting a lot and getting into shape and you feel 10000% different. Now she will support your gym habits even more and you're putting it in her head that you're now a high T guy and blah blah blah...

It seems like some big lie to get away from owning your shit but own your shit in your head and just let her hamster have the food it needs to accept your huge change. You're now a man. When you were fat and lazy etc. you were not.

PaterFamilias79 · 2016-03-14T17:54:10+00:00

My wife is like this. She wallows in a lot of anger. From her parents, her siblings....me. Her family holds anger and grudges like family heirlooms.

I can't change that. Like others sad it's her decision. I can speak for you YMMV...of course but after a lot of time and me maintaining the path I'm starting to see cracks. Small things but it's enough out of behavior that gives me indications progress is moving forward.

After trial and error I've modified some of the rules. For example using /u/theblueprofessor advice on dealing with a sexually denying wife I instantly use withdrawing myself as well as time affection. I've found my wife always settles for less then. It's permeated her entire life. So she will accept withdraw a time/affection and settle for "at least he's here". After doing this she is eager to get me back to her. She's more lively with conversations, comes to me now to be with me. Lots of little things I haven't seen we dated.

That's just one modification I've made that works.

But one thing. Move past the anger it will turn you into the hulk and you'll smash everything.

SexistFlyingPig · 2016-03-14T23:27:25+00:00

Stay the course. It sounds like she's unsure if this is a phase you're going through or the real deal.

screechhater · 2016-03-15T14:28:13+00:00

You are not an Oak

I would highly doubt SMV is close. You got down and then went back up in weight. yo yo. Not good for your health and loses all gains in SMV

You are orbiting her. And,trying to control her, still. Open your mind, get through the anger and stay there. For a long time.

BluepillProfessor · 2016-03-15T01:45:53+00:00

I understand that this is probably female code for "I don't think you're hot enough to fuck every day"

I don't think it necessarily is female code. I think she is wounded based on your description. She put up with the old you for 17 years and it has been 18 months.

What I did that actually worked is to take the bull by the total balls and rip them off. I absolutely forbid any discussion or even any THOUGHTS about the dark times. We are moving forward and not looking back.

Have any of you gotten to the point where you just walk away because you realize that things will never be the way you envision them with this woman based upon damage done?

Surprisingly, not very many. Women epitomize the 48th law- Assume Formlessness. When you change, they usually go along. It sounds like a second "Main Event" might be brewing so be ready.

TheFamilyAlpha · 2016-03-15T03:40:19+00:00

What is your ht/wt?

What fashion sense do you have?

Have you ever hit her?

40mullet · 2016-03-15T07:42:10+00:00

has "severe emotional wounds" that she says she doesn't know how to get over from my darker days. She still says that she can't deeply kiss me and "trust" me again

When she says these things? Just out of the blue or after long conversation? You are not having the "TALK", are you?

Big_Daddy_PDX · 2016-03-24T07:00:20+00:00

I've spent almost the same time married and my wife also has those deep rooted emotional history scars. You can only work on you. But there is a point when you come to the fork in the road with your marriage. A decision might be coming your way, but she's the one that will do the heavy lifting and make the call for you. Her actions will tell you what the rest of your life will be like.

Just make the call that you want to live with for the rest of your life.

samiamx12 · 2016-03-14T18:19:16+00:00

bro its not the working out and body type you have to worry about, its everything else. Women care about personality and how you treat them not how alpha you are and how sexy you look. yall need to talk it out with a therapist. sounds like you guys are on different pages.

Title	Lost Cause?
Author	PaterFamilias79
Upvotes	3
Comments	30
Date	March 14, 2016 5:04 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4adyku/lost_cause/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/lost-cause.207601 https://theredarchive.com/post/207601

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