Need help with confronting my father.

Triadis3 · 2017-11-15T11:50:38+00:00

Your dad is a guest on your ship.

Your ship. He doesn't get to come up to the bridge and grab the wheel.

But it sounds like you've been submissive to him your whole life, so he's trying to yank off your captain hat because he thinks you're unfit for the role.

Why would he think that? Are you fixing it?

Then kick the insubordinate mutineer off your boat.

You job is to run your mission. Anything getting in the way, you must deal with.

Like everything, when you dig deep enough, the answer is simple. Not easy. but simple.

The fact that daddy's still occupying so much of your headspace and you're a 27 yo father tells me your dad was right to treat you like an unreliable captain.

You fixing that? Good. But just like wifey, all the people in your life are on a 1000 foot rope... it take an inordinate amount of time to change the static image people have formed in their head about you.

So kick his ass off your ship. Yeah, he'll see it as a paper tiger move, but you need to show, not tell him life is not going to be the same shitshow onboard as it has been.

The_Litz · 2017-11-15T10:46:59+00:00

Marriage counselor suggested NMMNG

Wow, I think it is the first time I heard someone say that, good for him/her!

NMMNG. It is a great book, but there are some caveats. First of all, do not discuss the details on how and why you are changing with your wife. This brings me to the point, it is all about you and your household.

The details of the argument are not relevant. Your father sounds like a jug of bitter piss, who cannot handle you having, and asserting your own frame.

Looking forward, just ignore him like you would a value leeching beta. Trying to talk things through with him will most probably result in a zero gain for you. You are building your own family nucleus now. In a few years it won't matter, he will be gone, you might move away or whatever.

Do not let parents keep you hostage to their ideals and believes.

The only concern I have in this case is if your father was looking out for your interest because you are blinded by oneites and you vetted really badly. Or if your wife is an anti-vaxxer.

JudgeDoom69 · 2017-11-15T14:45:50+00:00

because my daughter was never off limits to my mother

So is your daughter off limits to your father? Are you punishing your father by limiting his access to his granddaughter? Regardless of your differences with your father, that's a total dick move because it is your daughter who pays the price for your squabble with your old man. Be careful not to weaponize your kid.

As far as your making amends with your father, fuck that prick, he sounds like bully and you should stick to your guns and maintain clear boundaries. He still thinks you're a child and not his equal.

Btw, nice progress on your fitness and reading.

weakandsensitive · 2017-11-15T14:52:32+00:00

Did you not fight him because your dad would've kicked your ass?

ReddJive · 2017-11-16T14:50:14+00:00

Found this sub because my marriage was going through a turbulent phase because I made some piss poor decisions.

You’re lying. Admit you lived life as a beta. Everything else you wrote is pure drivel and stems from your beta existence.

This advice will be lost on you due to your ego investment but until you learn that there are shitty people in your life you won’t know how to deal with them.

Until then you’re going to constantly wonder what to do

simbarlion · 2017-11-15T10:53:10+00:00

1) You have your own family. You're captain and they are your priority.

2) He's at fault, apologise for nothing. If anything only describe how you see the future with him in it.

3) You might be only 27 but you are the leader of the pack now and he is an old grandpa, choosing not to be part of your awesome life by being a total fuck stick.

4) Stand tall and make amends only on your own terms.

I am not a councillor or therapist, its just my opinion.

Rian_Stone · 2017-11-15T14:33:44+00:00

Punch him In the mouth.

However it plays out past this point, boundaries will not be crossed again.

Source: got in a fight at 19 with my step father, then never saw him for 12 years. Now, he wants to hang if he's in town, and I probably wouldn't mind.

In case you think I'm being edgy, I'm being fucking serious. I guarantee you have let him steam roll over you, fear or some shit.

An ass kicking isn't the worst thing that can happen to you. It ain't about winning the fight, it's being willing to be in one in the first place, and cause enough damage to make it unwise to push that envelope again.

snatch_haggis · 2017-11-15T16:09:28+00:00

he wanted to turn it into a physical altercation like he did when I was a teenager

Now that you're older and you're a parent yourself, think about what kind of fucking loser tries to start a fistfight with a teenage kid.

Elie Wiesel: "The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference."

Your Dad hasn't earned the right to this much of your headspace.

Let your mother have access, let him come along if it's easier, and don't give him any more thought. Don't be butthurt, don't be resentful, don't be bitter, just be... indifferent. That's all he deserves.

If you truly don't give a fuck about him, and you shouldn't, he won't have any power over you any more.

And if you hold your ground and hold frame, he might actually make up for your childhood by being a decent grandparent. My parents did, and it ultimately redeemed them in my mind for a lot of the shit they pulled raising me.

tacoduck_ · 2017-11-15T17:25:26+00:00

counterpoint. A man with abundance won't risk physical confrontation. Too risky. Instead, handle you father like you would your wife. Withhold attention, time, and treasure. Reward good behavior. Hold frame, and try to not "exchange words." Remove yourself and live your life.

hva_vet · 2017-11-15T16:50:46+00:00

My dad would never respect my opinion, would through huge raging tantrums any time I tried to express myself, and routinely stepped over boundaries after I had my own family. This was how he treated me in my late 30's. I finally got tired of his nonsense and didn't speak to him for five years. I continued my relationship with my mother during this time but he was not welcome at my house and I ignored every attempt by him to contact me. I began talking to him again after five years for my own reasons and our relationship is 100% on my terms. I do not need him or his nonsense at this point in my life and he knows it. I suffered a lifetime of mental abuse, gas lighting, and narcissistic rage from him up until the point I broke off contact. My complete an utter indifference to him was the only thing I could do to make him realize, even just a little, that it was him and not me.

Even at this point he will never admit to any wrong doing on his part, but I don't give a fuck anymore. He is who he is and I can't change it. The only thing I can do is hold him at arms length and limit the amount of contact he has with me and my family. Some people are just impossible and sometimes those people are one of our parents.

Need help with confronting my father.

Comments

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Title	Need help with confronting my father.
Author	Grape_Ape56
Upvotes	4
Comments	58
Date	November 15, 2017 9:00 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/7d2vn9/need_help_with_confronting_my_father/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/need-help-with-confronting-my-father.205166 https://theredarchive.com/post/205166