TLDR; Started as RP Rambo & failed, started again trying the slow game and fucked it up today. Got hard no and DEERed her emotional fucking of my brain. Re-learned to STFU until I have better shit testing mastery skills.

Finished reading Rational Male, NMMNG and working through WISNIFG. Found MRP in May, got really mad, went full bore and almost nuked everything. Father died (and being such a BP faggot) I fell off the wagon and went form 22% BF to 26%. I realized that I have too many excuses. I am working to eliminate them. I found an Olympic gauge free weight set with squat rack and stuff on craigslist. I have been finding consistency since with stronglifts 5X5 and I’m doing better there. I have started tracking what I eat with fitness pal but I’m only 2 days in with that.

I am trying to take things slow. 18 years of marriage = 18 months of change right? No more drunk captain or RP Rambo. So, I am working on being RP “aware in the moment” while still giving enough BP to not fuck it all up again. I am struggling with the balance.

Wife has potential Urinary Track Infection so vagina is on fire. Clue tells me she starts ovulation week in the next few days. Suggested we try non-intercourse sexytimes hand job in the shower and response was “I’m not confident enough to do that.” Old BPaddict would be angry, pissed and try to guilt her into something. Today, I was good, but here is the fuck up. I stayed! I stayed and talked! I listened to blah blah blah and even caught myself DEERing shit. She needs validation about this and that and if she chooses not to give me a hand job for whatever reason, I should be good with that. I did my best to shut it down and give myself a D-. It’s not good enough but barely above a fucking BP fail.

The whole fucking time I had the mental image of her emotional dick sloshing in and out of my brain as she worked herself to an emotional climax. She even smiled afterwards. Fuck me!

Lesson learned. Get my hard no and since I don’t need her vagina, STFU and move on to the next thing to make me just a bit more awesome. The time will come when I will deserve an great handjob, blowjob or any other awesome sexual connection I require, … but not yet. I will get there. If she fails to follow, I will still know my path forward.

Thoughts?