Semi blew it - steps forward

sexyshoulderdevil · 2017-08-01T22:51:14+00:00

So here's what went down:

Your drug addicted brother sucks on your soul for a bit and you're drained. Honestly, that would be draining.
You're in need of some support - validation. You go to your wife in this weak moment thinking she will now validate your feelings and refill what has been drained. BUUUTT since you've already been a needy pussy for too long...she's already drained BY YOU. You're a wet noodle to her and she doesn't give a shit enough to support you while you're down. You don't deserve it - not from her at least.
You're still in need of some support - validation. You head to askMRP to see if you can get it. BUUTT...you already know we're not going to give it to you. Not really.

Now at some point down the line when you've proven you're a rock of a man 99% of the time, your wife will prop you up when she sees that you're down...and she will take pride in the fact that she was there to support you in those moments. But right now, you're not there.

So what to do...what to do... You have any close buddies (who aren't your brother) you can go hang with and bitch to? Can you go to the gym and rage on some weights to let out some of the anger of having to deal with a heroin addicted brother? Can you afford a counselor of some sort to help you to deal with an addicted brother and offer some real advice on how to help you and him? Maybe check out Nar-Anon: http://www.nar-anon.org/what-is-nar-anon

In the meantime, here's your sprinkle of validation. Forget it happened. Get back to work. Everyone has short memories of mistake especially when you move on and forget that it happened.

Tebulus · 2017-08-01T22:55:09+00:00

Stfu and lift. What months of work? Your first submit was in relationshits and your next 3 mrp topics were a month ago and you got the same advice I am giving you now. This is day one noob shit. How far are you through the sidebar?

She cannot care about your emotional needs the way you want her to and if you ask her to it will dry her up. This one just happens to be mature enough to directly tell you. In spite of your brothers overdose (or whatever it was), she needs a rock in the storm and not someone to feel and react to emotional stimulus regardless of how shitty it is an event you have to experience. If you do anything weak or cry, do it alone and away from her and your kids. This post by JackTenofHearts is relevant on the topic

As for your direct question, maybe but probably not. Acta non verba holds doubly true for women. You should not care what she does unless she cheated already in which case skip to the end and divorce her now. You may not be able to salvage this marriage. Are you ok with that? If not then you need to start fresh. From way of the superior man:

A man's track record means nothing to the feminine. A man could be perfect for ten years, but if he's an asshole for 30 seconds his woman acts like he's always been one. The feminine responds to the moment of energy, forgetting her man's history of past behavior. A man's past behavior is irrelevant to his woman's feeling in the moment. But men base much on another man's history of behavior, so they think their own track record should count for something. But to a woman, it doesn't

edit: Youre doing the same shit you were doing last month. Do you fear her? What causes her to be able to break your frame like the eggshell it is? Are you afraid of standing up to her or upsetting her? Read WISNIFG.

matrixtospartanatLV · 2017-08-01T23:58:05+00:00

To answer your first question, YES.

Lift, STFU, and READ!!!!!!

Exactly WHAT have you read of the sidebar so far? That's not a rhetorical question. It seems like every noob, including me, checks in 30-60 days after 'lurking' and doing something, and then like a baby that can't change its own diaper; "WAAAaaaaa... I can't change my own diaper! WAAAaaaaa.. everyone please help me."

Your wife....DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER so I may or may not get back to her later.

YOU....are currently an emotional sinkhole, when you should be a fucking mountain. I get that you are using MRP to fill in that emotional sinkhole, but like lifting without reading, you are shoveling nothing into that sinkhole as fast and hard as you can. You look great, shoveling nothing.

I'm sorry, did you already mention in your post what you've read? You dieted, and lost a few pounds. You lifted, and noticed the shadow of a muscle.

WHAT HAVE YOU READ FROM THE SIDEBAR TO BUILD YOUR FUCKED UP MIND FROM A SINKHOLE TO A MOUNTAIN?

(Have I asked that twice now? Don't get comfortable, I may ask again.)

It's time to grow up. Your life sucks. So does EVERYBODY'S. The difference is what others have done about it.

Every one of us has a story like yours. The details are different, but the emotional roller coaster ride is no less fucking brutal. 4 years ago my mother died. 3 years ago my two sons went back to their mother. 2 years ago I buried one of those boys. Last year my wife had an affair. And right this very second, my 87yo father is in ICU with congestive heart failure and pneumonia.

Now, MRP is lift, READ, and STFU.

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN READING?!?!

Go back and read u/Sexyshoulderdevil's comment about the rock. He's talking about being a BIG fucking rock, not a pebble. And the more work(lift-READ-STFU) YOU put into fixing YOU, the faster and bigger you will grow.

u/Tebulus gave you a great tip from the Way of the Superior Man. And it works both ways!! She doesn't care about last year, she cares about RIGHT FUCKING NOW. and it sounds like, from MMSLP (read THAT one yet?) that you are HER energy vampire. She has kids. Are you the Captain of the ship? Or the oldest passenger she has to look after?

It sounds like you are working the mechanics. Lifting, doing shit around the house. Your problem sounds like one of the mind, specifically handling the emotions. WHAT ARE YOU READING TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR MIND? That's truly the hardest part, and why you may not be doing it yet. Your brain is wired for BETA. Decades worth of Beta programming. How much work(reading) do you think it will take to RE-program your mind?

Whatever your answer was, double it.

"Is the progress now lost?"

Did you gain the weight back? Did the shit you did around the house undo itself?

NO! The progress you made is not lost.

The progress you have NOT made, is why you are posting here.

Ok, now I'm all fired up. Time to light up the wife.

She's tired. She's drained. She has nothing to give you and LIKELY NEVER WILL.

Get over it. Become your own point of origin. Become your own validation. Become your own source of strength. The Captain of the ship has no one but himself, and his GOD, to draw upon.

"She responded with some serious stuff essentially saying that I spend too much time talking about 'us', and that it does the opposite of making her attracted to me."

Do you know what that tells me?

YOUR WIFE WILL RESPOND TO YOUR RP EFFORTS WHEN THEY TURN INTO SUCCESSES. She is BEGGING you to get your shit together.

Where are you on your MAP? What dread level are you at? How many primary drunk captains are there in the sidebar and which one is primarily you? How many books in the prerequisites? Is there a guide for posting? If so, have you read it? Have you found/read the RP constitution?

You've run your ass off looking for the water hole and you are thirsty as fuck. You found the water hole(sidebar) but you're not drinking(reading) because you are too fucking busy running around the fucking watering hole!!

Ok, rant over.

Lift.

READ.

STFU.

SIDEBAR. All of it. Fill your MIND.

That includes the wiki, the beginner section, ALL the rabbit holes. Make notes.

There's more but my hot wife just got home from her Zumba class, gave ME a 10 second kiss, and I have 6 minutes left before she gets back from her shower.

FR may be cumming soon (pun intended)

Seriously dude, it's simple.

Get with (all of) the fucking program.

Forget about the wife.

Fix yourself.

Gotta GO!!

BobbyPeru · 2017-08-01T22:59:08+00:00

It's a marathon, not a sprint race.

Don't get hung up on set backs. View them as learning opportunities. Hell, you have an overt wife, and that's actually a huge plus. She told you exactly how you're being a pussy.

nastynickdr · 2017-08-02T00:35:52+00:00

I spend too much time talking about 'us', and that it does the opposite of making her feel attracted to me.

Listen to her, she knows what shes saying.

She also displayed quite obviously that she has pretty much emotionally checked out by saying that if I want another type of relationship then I should find someone different.

She doesnt want to be your mommy.

Is the progress now lost?

No. Did you stop owning your shit? Did you regain your fat and lost muscle? Are you acting like a needy beta weakling now? Dont sweat about this. And dont unload this kind of stuff on your wife. Talk to your family, go grab a beer with your buddies, go see a therapist, but dont expect you wife to be your mommy. She doesnt want to and you shouldnt want it either.

discobolus_ · 2017-08-02T14:17:42+00:00

That was me....I did shit like that a lot pre RP. Talk about "us", "I need more from you", "why don't you put as much effort into me as I do you" yadda yadda. Was a needy bitch. It's nauseating to think about now.

I completely cut it out of my behavior VERY early on after finding this place. Completely....never said another word about "us". Was one thing I mastered relatively quickly. Sure, my body language may have said something different while I was in the "fake it til you make it" phase, but I never, ever brought it up. Ever. I swallowed those feelings and dealt with them myself.

Long after I had cut it out, my wife would still bring it up, and give me shit about it. Or faux apologizing "Oh, I'm sorry I did that, I know it makes you feel unloved". This was after I had made a lot of gains here. She kept trying poke me in a raw spot. And I just brushed it off like a shit test.

Eventually, I put an end to it. I don't recall what she rehashed, but my reply was "I did say that. And if you want to eternally judge me by what I said at a low point, then that's fine. But I don't think that way anymore, and I think you know that." She hasn't brought it up since.

So stuff like this has a way of sticking in her judgement of you for a long time. That's just the way it is. When she rubs your nose in it the next time you're at a low point, EXPECT IT. It's a test. You need to be tested. She needs to verify you're not the same fragile beta. And more importantly, you need to feel the experience of brushing off something that used to be a gut punch for you.

Now, you're probably not at the place where you can overtly shut it down....your behavior will have to match that for a long while before you can be taken seriously.

But it doesn't reset your progress. Your progress is gauged by you, not her. And now you're aware of a weak spot you need to reinforce.

straius · 2017-08-01T22:55:07+00:00

3 months and the physical changes you mentioned is nothing. Your expectations are probably set too high.

You are right not to invest time talking when you could be acting to make things happen instead.

This is what your wife means when she says things like that to you. She's done talking, she wants to see results.

Keep your head down, lock your diet down better so you can see physical changes faster. Make sure you're lifting heavy and if you'd like additional structure, a tailored program to follow or macro advice from someone in person, get a coach from a strength training gym.

Just keep working, you're in the earliest stages.

2ndal · 2017-08-01T23:07:59+00:00

You spent years and years constantly making bad decisions to get where you are. One bad decision isn't going to ruin months of hard work. Get up, brush yourself off, and move on.

UEMcGill · 2017-08-02T20:11:36+00:00

Let's get to the long term question here. Why haven't you cut your brother out of your life? Just because your mom and dad made you two fuck trophies doesn't mean you owe him anything in life. You approached your wife and she communicated to you overtly that you need to suck it up buttercup.

I've had addict and drunk relatives. I've also cut them out of my life, it's a hard thing to do but it starts with the step "You love getting high more than family. When you are willing to change I'm here but until then, I can not be around you.

I don't know shit about you, other than reading between the lines, but I suspect you're a man who doesn't handle his shit. This problem gets fixed when you fix the problem with your brother. I got a call from my BIL, 6 months after I banned him from my home, "Hey can you come get me I'm in jail for a DUI,,"

"Nope"

He's a big boy; so he's made his bed. Until he's willing to say "I will do whatever it takes to get better" I am not going to help him in any way. Addicts are sneaky despicable fuckers who lie and manipulate, because they are afraid to do what's hard, and typically people like you have a codependent relationship with them.

So when you go to your wife and she says "get over it, or get out" she's giving you the message you need, but don't realize it.

223552 · 2017-08-02T23:18:43+00:00

This should explain to you some of your feelings, and where it comes from. I have re-read this sooo many times. This was posted by drt_pr, I highlighted some very specific areas for you.... Just like you, I wanted my wife to love me like she loves our kids, and spent years frustrated AF, until RP...

"Son, As you are coming of age, your desire to be loved by a woman is growing. To feel the daily warmth of a woman by your side. To have and to hold. This is a natural instinct and one of the strongest ones you have. With that said, it's my responsibility to make sure you enter these interactions with a knowledge that I and very few other men have had the benefit of knowing beforehand. I love your mother. You love your mother. Your mother loves us both, but not in the same way. You see, she loves me for the life I provide her with. My humour, my handyman capabilities, my sacrifice at work and my emotional support. She loves you as the most important thing in her life that she would do anything for.

This is very important for you to understand, because when you find a girl you want to commit to, you can't expect her to love you like mom does. In fact, if you try to make her love you like that, not only will she resent you for your weakness, she will be repulsed it. This may seem a little harsh, but it's a reality you must accept if you want to get the most out of a relationship. That same unconditional love that you want from your girl, will be reserved for the offspring that you provide her with.

The irony to this son, is that the love you feel from mom and the love your woman will give to her children, is the same love you will need to give to your woman. She will want a leader. A strong and confident man who makes her feel safe and secure. Furthermore, she will hate the fact that you still want that love from mom. So you will also need to cut the emotional support you get from her off as well. You need only look at the people in our lives who are mama's boys. They all live in very miserable relationships. This is because men don't need their moms love. They have already gotten all they needed in their youth. I had to find this out the hard way myself. If you absolutely need to express some of your feelings, do it with your best friends, your brother or especially me. Never with your girl, your mom, your sister or any other female in your life. They can't tell you how to be a man. From this point on, you have joined the fraternity of masculinity. This may sound like lonely road to travel. That's because it will be. We no longer need that emotional support. Men embrace the loneliness. We learn to accept it and thrive in it. This is where you will learn who you truly are and what you truly want out of life. It's when you realize that you don't need anyones approval to be who you want to be. This is essentially where you become a man. Believe me when I say it son, being a man who lives his life like a man, will be the best decision you ever make."

Westernhagen · 2017-08-02T01:59:12+00:00

I want to be more connected with her and that I feel she only really truly connects with the children.

Ever heard the maxim: "men love women, women love children, children love puppies"? Think about it.

screechhater · 2017-08-02T03:11:31+00:00

What the fuck get your heart off your sleeve and quit dumping your feelz you are a man for fucks sake

Look, shit is done and said in fleeting moments. what is golden is action over time If you fuck her tomorrow all is good right ? The parody in this ?

She is tired of your neediness and doesn't want to spend her time raising you along with your kids. Got it ?

Time to grow some balls

Do you lift ?

You traction is lost in your mind and you operating in her frame is your loss and your problem got it ?

QuickieStart · 2017-08-02T03:19:40+00:00

"Is the progress lost?"

That's entirely your decision.

I would call it a setback. There will be more. Learn from it and continue the journey.

The_Litz · 2017-08-02T09:02:39+00:00

I said to SO that I want to be more connected with her and that I feel she only really truly connects with the children

I cringed reading that part. Her response was understandably predictable. But in the end, it doesn't matter. We all make these little slips. No one plays the game and doesn't get tackled a few times. You will fail, you will win.

You had a shit day, write it off and carry on. Nothing is "lost" as you put it. Just a bad day.

BirdManBrrrr · 2017-08-02T20:05:19+00:00

There are a few of us here who shared your same emotional faggotry and neediness. No wonder our wives dried up. You're dealing with some difficult shit also...find a productive way to cope and keep your head about you.

Baby steps. You're now aware you fucked up...Good. Now be aware the next time you feel the need to victim puke all over your wife and do everything in your power to keep your mouth shut. It's hard, but be self aware enough to feel it coming and then go do anything other than talk to her.

I'll make it simple: Never complain to your wife about your problems. Ever. Even your problems with her.

This is your number one rule. Internalize that immediately. I had to do exactly this and once I got good at it I could actually focus more on other concepts here.

She responded with some serious stuff essentially saying that I spend too much time talking about 'us', and that it does the opposite of making her feel attracted to me...saying that if I want another type of relationship then I should find someone different.

Someone else here said she's begging you to lead and be the rock and that's absolutely correct. She literally told you you're unattractive to her and she's unequipped to handle your emotional neediness. We're all "acta non verba" around here with women but if you listen close enough she'll actually drop things here and there pretty much asking for you to be a strong, masculine presence. She actually wants you to go down this path...be confident that you'll be a much better man for it.

I was you 3 months ago minus the kid and my wife dropped a lot of the same lines. Take the feedback and do the work. Also start posting weekly in OYS, this will keep you connected to the various concepts and serve as some self accountability, even if you don't get specific responses to your post.

Title	Semi blew it - steps forward
Author	Het-Masteen
Upvotes	5
Comments	28
Date	August 1, 2017 10:24 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/6qzswb/semi_blew_it_steps_forward/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/semi-blew-it-steps-forward.205769 https://theredarchive.com/post/205769

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