Shit tests regarding past failures?

TheFamilyAlpha · 2016-05-11T11:14:50+00:00

Is there a better way to respond

You: Baby, I'm going to be picking up a few items from the store, you need anything?

Her: What are you getting?

You: I'm going to X store, I'll be back in an hour

These conversations are simple. Why does she need to buy you whatever foods? Why don't you own your shit, get your ass to the places that have these items and just start doing?

The best decision would be to just openly tell her you recognized your failure and inability to remain committed to anything and that you're done (so you say) and want to improve.

You seem disgusting and weak, she recognizes that and is simply calling you out on it - which I commend her for because at least you recognize she is willing to overtly tell you how it is - maybe it helped as a wake up call?

To answer you directly, you have to own your shit. You aren't in a place to AA or display AM - you are in a place to rebuild from the ground up. She can be a part of that team or not, it's irrelevant - you need to start acting like a man and bringing some discipline to the table.

Talk to her about wanting to cook together, about wanting to cook together in a healthy manner.

Is your wife physically fit?

What does your 5 day a week program look like? Are you spinning your wheels and just wasting time or are you actually getting it at the gym? I lift 3 days a week now and am fucking gassed - I go heavy and hard those 3 days, but it's enough with supplemental bodyweight/stamina building runs/swims on the other days.

How are you doing without porn, are you getting sex - were you addicted to jerking off daily?

What's your HT/WT currently?

Do you have kids? I'm not searching your history, give me background and I'll give you a better tailored response.

BluepillProfessor · 2016-05-11T15:38:17+00:00

Not convinced these are shit tests. A shit test is an UNREASONABLE tone, attitude, or request designed to test your Shit. These sound like the reasonable objections and requests for clarification you would expect from a competent First Officer.

MRPCowboy · 2016-05-11T14:45:58+00:00

Your wife is operating in her own frame and does not see any reason to operate in yours.

jacktenofhearts has generalized a model where initially you have no frame, operate in her frame and are disrespected (Phase I). The next step is you establish your own frame and operate in parallel. This is when she begins to respect you (Phase II). Finally she chooses to operate in your frame (Phase III).

You are Phase I and you seem to have the self-awareness and dedication to the long game needed to pull this off. Your task is to establish your frame, operate within your frame and begin to reject her frame. If your wife will not purchase the food you want, it's up to you to purchase and eat the food you need (operate in your own frame). If she purchases or makes food you do not want to eat, don't eat it (reject her frame where it conflicts with yours). Focus on building a small success here and then keep building. I like this one as it's pretty easy to establish this boundary and she's definitely going to notice you making changes. She'll notice you slip up, but she'll also notice you keep going anyway. She'll respect your success eventually.

You cannot talk her into respecting you. Let your actions do the talking.

BluepillProfessor · 2016-05-11T15:40:51+00:00

I'm filled with a kind of cold rage all the time, mostly at myself

Read up on the Anger Stage in the Wiki. This passes and I sometimes think about 90% of MRP is just getting guys past the anger stage.

GargantuaBlarg29 · 2016-05-11T12:20:20+00:00

Get your own food was said multiple times already so ill skip that.

emotional drivel about our relationship and the changes I am making.

This reads like you are either doing these changes 'for the betterment of our relationship' or because you see them as some bargaining chip, brownie points if you will, that you can cash because youre doing 'the right thing now'.

No. You make these changes for yourself and yourself alone. Dont expect her to understand them. Dont expect her to appreciate them. Dont expect anything because you dont care what the end result is outside of you owning your life and recieving value from it...if not from her then from someone else, your hobbies, your work, etc.

PurpleVeteran · 2016-05-11T14:18:32+00:00

Your past failings are still her present. You're only 2 weeks in, and she has no reason to think this isn't just a phase. It will take at least 6-8 weeks before she responds to your apparent progress, and these small moments of resistance and doubt will give way to actual shit tests and dread about your relationship. This is a long road.

To reinforce what others are saying:

Anger is standard this early in. Just STFU and focus on yourself.
If you need groceries or clothes, get them yourself.
5 days lifting is fine... but are you serious? Going to a gym? Have a plan?
Do you have a MAP for taking control of the other aspects of your life?

You will have to convince her that these changes are genuine, but first, you have to convince yourself.

il-est-ressuscite · 2016-05-11T10:41:36+00:00

You have no credibility. How to get some? Do what you say you're going to do. For longer than two weeks.

Meanwhile, how to deal with her skepticism? Laugh and agree. (It's true anyway right?) then just keep getting on with getting your shit together. And stop being such a sensitive pussy that having to hear any accurate criticism fills you with "cold rage."

And, do your own grocery shopping. Then you can buy whatever the fuck you want.

fuzzyface1980 · 2016-05-11T08:01:07+00:00

I tell my wife, you can either be happy or be right. So listen closely, she is choosing misery for the both of you rather than support and doing what would benefit you. Thus her. Get it through your head that if she is not willing to be happy, don’t fucking take her seriously.

She is a little bratty girl. Nothing more. Literally imagine what she looked like as a 8 year old girl when she has something critical to say to you. It’s actually really funny. Waste money? How much does her wedding ring cost? Because those two elements combined make for some really funny shit.

You won’t know what tactic to use so timing will be way off. Just learn to not take her seriously and laugh at her bratty behavior. When it becomes funny, then start branching out with more complex actions. A tactician must first be in command of himself.

ReddJive · 2016-05-11T10:12:38+00:00

Why?

You're in her frame. You're way too concerned about what she thinks. Fuck that. It will never complete you.

Look her in the eye. Get real close. Maybe even hold her AA by saying "mistakes were made. That's the past."

Then stop relying on her to actually do something for you. Get you're own damn food. Maybe eventually she'll figure it out and get on the train.

But you can't make her. She has to see it's better then it was.

Persaeus · 2016-05-11T11:06:50+00:00

Behind the scenes, I'm filled with a kind of cold rage all the time, mostly at myself, and I'm trying to get through dread phases 1 & 2 without blowing up at her or spilling a load of emotional drivel about our relationship and the changes I am making.

Use the rage at the gym to the point of exhaustion....this will help your mentality more than anything else. STFU is your best friend until you have read WISNIFG....get to it. "Changes I am making", don't forget 1st rule of fight club....we don't discuss it.

cholomite · 2016-05-11T12:22:43+00:00

All that matters is that you don't give a fuck. That means it doesn't make you angry, or sad, or butthurt or anything. You want healthy food, she's giving you shit about it. Respond however you want as long as you truly don't give a fuck. That's really the key.

I would A&A and tell her I'm getting it to feed the racoons, but I love stupid jokes like that. Whatever works for you man, but seriously, stop giving a shit and just get healthy on your terms.

CinnaMagister · 2016-05-11T13:01:12+00:00

I STFU for those. They are irrelevant. And now becoming less.

Tell her you are becoming healthier; she can either join you or not but you are not going to respond to her attempts to derail you.

Buy and cook your own food. Take responsibility for yourself. I see a lot of AM/AA responses; I prefer a direct approach; she can take it or leave it.

bornredd · 2016-05-11T14:08:48+00:00

Dude, shut up around your wife and do your thing.

You have to build credibility because you wrecked it previously. Buy your own food. Lift your own weights. Do your own work. After a few months, then you'll know how to respond.

Title	Shit tests regarding past failures?
Author	ecrasez
Upvotes	4
Comments	25
Date	May 11, 2016 7:17 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4its6p/shit_tests_regarding_past_failures/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/shit-tests-regarding-past-failures.207436 https://theredarchive.com/post/207436

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