Thursday night she came home and I told her she looked like she needed a back rub (her code word for prone bone), to which she agreed. I started alternating rubbing her back and grinding on her before fucking. She didn’t say a word, just an audible sound a couple times. I was whispering and nibbling in/on her ear, eventually she propped her head up with her elbows (like someone who would be watching TV) while I was fucking her. Afterwards I was still laying on top, kissing her neck and still whispering in her ear. She promptly in a matter of fact tone said, “I need to get up and take some calm.” 

That killed the intimate moment I thought we both had. I was pissed for a minute and then it turned into me feeling like crap for expecting effort from her when she “had a headache”. As the phrase, “she didn’t feel good and let you fuck her” went through my head I realized the key word “let” was part of the problem.

For the last 20 years I’ve been conditioned to think that sex won’t always be this kinky, mind-blowing experience every time. That those were just sprinkled in throughout the year. When I craved that type of sex I felt bad because I was always expecting “perfection”. In compliance with that mindset, I realize I set the standard that I was OK with bad sex. I made my peace with it since I needed attempts to get her validation. More sex = more chances to gain her validation. After pondering, I don’t think the desire was for perfection, but genuine desire.

I realized I was feeling all this because I was seeking her validation of me being good in bed because I feel “less than” in that arena. I’ve been seeing validation from sex because I had the mindset that I wasn’t enough. The unrealistic nature of porn (30yrs) and my ED are the leading cause’s for this. I clearly haven’t come to terms with my ED yet.

My confidence in the bedroom has never been high. I have only been with her since HS, so I have no other experience to go off of. Sometimes in my self pity I think, if we split, what girl would want to shack up with an inexperienced guy with ED. I think this mentality keeps me in the Oneitis mentality because its a “buffer” from the potential painful rejection. 

Without the need for her validation do I even want to have sex with her? Do I truly find her attractive and sexy? Honestly not really, she’s overweight, lazy, and unengaged with a mostly bad attitude. I also wonder if this may be part of my ED issue, unattractiveness doesn’t get me going. Typing this out it seems I have been settling for table scraps, which disgusts me now.

Where do I go from here? Keep initiating and only settling for good engaged sex or stop initiating for awhile. 4.5 months in the gym and she has 0 desire to work on herself.Â