Here's my victim puke. It won't be pretty, but it's long overdue. I count on you so you can give me feedback. It may help me to build some accountability too. 38M here. Married (to a 37F) for 8 years after 2 years of relationship. 3 kids (8F, 6F, 2M). 5'11'', 176 lb. 20-25% body fat. Read sidebar twice, have read at least two times NMMNG. Didn´t ever go to the gym before quarantine nor train at all since high school. Right now, during quarantine, I´m doing calisthenics daily, at least for the last 10 days. The focus has been to improve my strength. A lot of field to improve and I`ve been a slacker a couple of days, but my body hurts every other day, which is at least an improvement. Other part of my daily routine: intermittent fasting 16+8 and Wim Hof Method (all 3 parts). Have my hobbies, spend time with kids, etc. This is what I'm building on, because I do have some messy stuff going on.

Mainly I have two low points: my finances and my relationship. Finances are a disaster. Left a job to build my own thing in December, just before this pandemic started, and now it's blowing in my face. By now, I may still have some time to improve it, but currently things look scary, I haven't been doing the right things and I don't have a good backup plan. Call it however you want: lack of discipline, frame, mission… whatever. Not done.

Relationship, the other low area, also not good, mainly because of my Nice Guy Syndrome and because I've been a lousy drunken captain. I have some good moments, but the lack of work and character has shown, and whatever leadership I may tend to show isn't backed up by consistency. Wife is nice and caring, a good mom and overall good. Needs some work on her own stuff, but after some reading here I can see clearly how most of it is my own fault, through my lack of frame and leadership. Even more, I've just avoided being there for my crew. A sensible example: she is overweight and I don't like this. She is still pretty (PAWG thick type, cute face, curvy which I thought I would love) but when I get to it, I realize that I don't like the way she looks now. I resent her. However, instead of leading her to improve, I avoid confrontation, I make myself unavailable, and withdraw without addressing the real problem. She initiates sex a couple of times per week and constantly tells me that she misses me. I follow along 1 out of 3 times, but most of the time I avoid. I'm butthurt and angry. At night I escape to the kid's room to avoid her. I don't game her, I don't play with her, I don´t fuck her often. I don't play with her. I like her, but something in the back of my mind knows she sees through my shit and I just can't hold it. In fact, I've learned here how to respond to her shit tests, and have built a decent amount of dread, but clearly not enough. I tend to believe that it's not a lack of attraction on a physical level, but it's just that I've been a drunken captain, and the guilt around it just makes me want to avoid. Again: she sees through my shit, because my shit is all over the place. Initially, I resorted to porn to fill the void. Later, I started looking for affairs, which is, precisely, the next issue.

In fact, as soon as I left my last job, in January this year, I started traveling a lot, and decided to start plating. However -who would have thought?- I wasn't ready. Got a decent response from the locals, but I couldn't handle it. It got into my hamster´s wheels and it was too much. Several plates in the air, one in each city. I thought I was killing it. Before long, I could realize I had started to fall for plate #1 to whom I plainly lied, and who believes I'm divorced. She's the exact kind of girl I love to be around. I have surprised myself thinking about building a house so we can move in together. But we haven´t fucking met. We just text and text and text. Connection is great, cyber-sex is steamy, she's nuts about me, I loose myself in her, etc. e exact same thing I had with my wife when it all started. But it's all bullshit (at least on my part). Plate #2 is still available, knows the whole deal and agrees to it, and I just sent plate #3 went to the friend zone for good (she's just too crazy to be messing around with). There are some other girls around, but not relevant.

As I write I can see my faggotry, and I can realize that I'm struggling with 3 things, all of which have to do with my lack of frame and integrity.

  1. Stay away from oneitis with plate #1. I have realized on a rational level that whatever I do, I shouldn't pursue. But I just keep hamstering on her.
  2. Get my shit together: my finances are lousy, I haven´t had the strength to put on the work my business needs, and I have gotten into the habit of avoiding work by talking to plates.
  3. Build a healthy relationship with my wife. It seems to me that it's not because I'm in her frame, but because I don't have any frame at all. I just go with whatever gives me the feelz.

My plan is what I learned here: the stay plan is the go plan. Fix stuff until I can decide from abundance and not from this mess I'm in right now.

  1. With plate #1: This is the easiest in theory and hardest in practice… I got to STFU and let things cool down.
  2. With finances: get my shit together. Money: map-out how bad the situation is and take action. Cut-off expenses. Recover cash that may be available from deals that I can still save.
  3. Start Weekly OYS. STFU (again), train and read.
  4. Gaming the one that is hard to game and confront what I want to avoid: my wife. Lead her.