I discovered TRP 4 years ago,

I lifted, improved SMV, got raise in salary by over 300% from the time i started my career, got in several LTR's, spun plates on the side, fucked a lot of women over 4 years, been in threesomes, foursomes and other sexual degeneracy. Have traveled a bit, met new people, strengthened connection with friends and overall got more respect from my friends over time of self improvement.

Right now I am objectively in a better place than when I first started TRP. I have better body, better sense of style and clothes, I can bench and deadlift weights I never thought I would when I started lifting, and if I ever stop lifting, just one month in the gym puts me back in great shape (muscle memory is incredible thing). I earn more money than I used to and I am starting a business, I have access to sex on demand with objectively 7s and 8s.

Yet I feel like I am lacking something that used to have back when I was younger. My self-esteem is worse, my confidence is lower, I am constantly going back to anger phase and in general it is hard for me to maintain discipline many times since I just don't see the point. La di fucking da, get buffer fuck women hurr durr, if you alpha people treat you better, if you are this then your life will be like that.

I guess I don't fucking see point in anything. I still go to the gym, try to learn new skills in different areas, put effort at my work and strive to get a business rolling, but I am doing that not because I want to, but because I know that if I don't I will fall, and I am profoundly afraid of going back to the dark place.

My mind is fucked, Reading original redpill posts doesn't help, reading books on self-esteem or watching RSD doesn't help, keeping a journal doesn't help, lifting doesn't help. It all gives temporary relief, or I think I start making sense of something, and then I wake up the next morning and boom, its like nothing in my mind has changed.

What the fuck.

Edit: Didn't expect this to get so much attention, thank you all for you replies brothers, I will carefully read them today, do some self analysis and provide an update.

EDIT: First of all thank you all for replying, there is a lot of actual good advice, and this has reminded me once more why I always come back to TRP.

I had some time to reflect on my situation and here is what I came up with. For those of you who played video games you will understand this very easy. You know how when you level up a character first 50-60 levels are relatively easy and then gradually it becomes more and more difficult to level up and grind gets tougher. You know when you just start lifting first year and half gains come incredibly easy (if you do everything right) and then next year and a half they are more difficult to attain, and after 3 years of lifting you have to put so much effort for every pound of muscle.

I am guessing that is whats happening to me. I have reached the easily obtainable levels and achieved certain things, but they are not that deep and despite the transformation being there, I still have a lot to learn, improve and experience in life. And rather than be brave and realize that the next step is going to take a lot of dedication, sacrifice and hard work and be harder than what I have done before and I might not even succeed if I do everything I have to do, my brain is looking for easy way out, or trying to trick me to stay docile by rationalizing that life has no meaning or whatever. I have decided to stick with habbits that I know are good for me, let go of certain past shit that happened, admit to myself that I indeed have failed in certain areas because I got complacent and push trough this. I hope that in doing so, whatever I am experiencing right now will become better and I will get more clear picture of what it is that I truly want.

Thank you all.