Afraid to be in a relationship

penisinthepeanutbttr · 2015-03-11T10:14:55+00:00

I have this same problem.. Its really bad. Especially after hooking up I get this intense feeling of anxiety. I feel like a scumbag who only wants women he cant have or play hard to get and then the second he gets them, he tries to avoid them.

time_and_again · 2015-03-11T11:48:25+00:00

I had this problem. For me, it was like a fear that if I went too far without being totally sure about her, I'd risk hurting her more when I eventually ended it. Of course the problem with that is that you can never know in a week or two how things will go, so that mindset causes even the smallest doubt to balloon out of proportion. So it was a weird problem of being like... selfishly kind, if that makes any sense. Like a failsafe to keep you from being a "bad guy". At least for me.

It was basically the same issue for me: rarely dating a girl longer than a month or two, constantly ending good things prematurely, etc. I solved it in two ways. The first was finding the right girl. Not a super-useful tip, since that's always the goal, but feeling like you hit the jackpot can help push you past your perceived limits.

The second was, oddly, listening to Patrice O'Neal's Black Phillip Show. Right before I met this girl, I had listened to the whole show on YouTube. It was the kick in the ass my brain needed. It's a lot of real talk, not PC at all, but that's why it worked. I simply adapted it to my... gentler nature.

Basically, the reason I felt anxious about relationships was because I felt like there was a point of no return. And the reason I felt there was such a point was because I still felt like I owed a girl more than she owed me. But the reality is that we can walk away at any time. We can get off the coaster, bid farewell, and never look back. Patrice called it "being ready to take the loss". When you can give yourself permission to leave, you not only diminish the anxiety about starting a relationship, you act more respectably in it. You stand up for your wants and comforts rather than letting her step all over you or hold you emotionally hostage.

I could probably go on about this for a while, but I'll let it rest for now. It seems counter-intuitive, but you need to allow yourself to be more traditionally selfish, in a way. More willing to leave her in the dust if need be. Not because you will or should, but because knowing you can will let you relax and enjoy the ride, however long it lasts. The girl I mentioned earlier? We lasted ten months. Probably a short run for a lot of people, but it opened the door. Now I'm starting another relationship nearly a year later. Those doubts might always pop up, but you'll get better at handling them.

SavageBeaver0009 · 2015-03-11T16:01:35+00:00

It could just be a thing of meeting the right person.

I had similar anxieties until very recently when I started my first serious romantic relationship with an extraordinary woman. It was always hook-ups and casual relationships for me, but she makes me super comfortable, even with all the new experiences of a serious relationship. There's always a bunch of ridiculous worries running through my head, but she makes me forget them.

joshsway · 2015-03-11T16:32:02+00:00

This is very common. I probably suffer from the same thing; though I have been in very serious relationships. How old are you? Your age could help determine whether or not you have a real commitment issue or are just young ;)

money666 · 2015-03-11T11:02:08+00:00

Relationships are great dude. You get so much affection anytime you want. No more going to clubs and hoping to get laid

zakkyb · 2015-03-11T12:25:39+00:00

Read this guys, let me know if any of you related to it: http://www.abandonment.net/abandoholics-anonymous

knomb · 2015-03-11T11:15:12+00:00

Oh No Hillary deleted all my comments! that rascally woman.

trauma_gland · 2015-03-12T03:09:29+00:00

I think your fear of a relationship is really just a fear of vulnerability. You don't allow relationships to go past casually hooking up because you don't want to get close with someone. You're afraid that these girls will get to know you. The real you. The man behind this PUA shit. Maybe you put on this facade to get women and you're afraid to take off that mask and be real with girls. Either that or you're just scared of getting close. That could be due to insecurities, or simply a fear of intimacy. My guess is you have a fear of intimacy.

Get that fixed bruh lol.

frumpiemonkey · 2015-03-16T09:14:20+00:00

Are you in America or one of the other hyper femizied western countries? If so then yes, you should be afraid of a relationship. Of all the women in the world (and I've dated a fair share as I travel a lot) American women are the only ones I'm too afraid to touch. I'm not saying feminism is bad (God does India need it) but most American women are Pop Feminists which means they are guided by thinking that is based on conformity instead of principle. The result is that dating them is about the most unsafe thing you can do. I backpacked the states about two years ago and noticed something: many homeless men are 20-30 years old and college educated. It's alimony and courts and all that. Try a relationship if you must but be warned that your intuition is tingling for a very real reason. When the woman is safe you will feel nothing in the way of having a relationship with her as long as she's compatible with your sense of self and values. And don't forget that labels automatically cause the assumption of how something happens and how it ends. Labelling a girl as girlfriend just means you are setting the parameters that a) we break up or b) we stay together - where a then 1) it's because someone cheated 2) someone doesn't feel the love 3) some kind of money issue 4) ect. and with B then engagement. Forego the labels and your life will be better. I guarantee it.

BeSsen · 2015-03-11T11:44:09+00:00

I also have this problem. I fell I'm not good enough to be in a relationship, like I won't be the rock in the relationship.

livinghonestly · 2015-03-11T16:32:45+00:00

Therapy can be a big help for this

Big_TX · 2015-03-11T18:07:11+00:00

You have fear becaue you have never gone there before. You just have to except the fact that you have to force your self to act or you never will feel confortsble doing so. Better sooner than latter I'm sorry if that is not what you wanna hear but you have to make your force your self into that new "reality". You have fear becaue you brain knows that this one is safe and it wants to keep you safe, you have to force through into the "new reality" (where you have a girlfriend) inorder for your subconscious to know it too is safe. That is how you get over it.

ryguy2281 · 2015-03-11T18:48:59+00:00

You feel like you'd be tied down?....unless she's into that, then she'll be the one asking you to tie her down ;)

zuk1 · 2015-03-11T20:19:41+00:00

Are you having sex with these girls?

double0se7en · 2015-03-11T21:49:30+00:00

Relationships at your age aren't serious. The whole point of a relationship is to see if you're compatible. If not, so be it; that's life. Just remember to put yourself first, always.

IpickupGrandmothers · 2015-03-11T21:59:23+00:00

It might be because you're unwilling to be vulnerable. Good relationships require you to be authentic and vulnerable. Maybe you're thinking along the lines, "I know I can be cool and high-value for a few dates, but I don't know if I can sustain it in a long-term relationship"?

Title	Afraid to be in a relationship
Author	throwyun
Upvotes	38
Comments	36
Date	March 11, 2015 9:18 AM UTC (11 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/2yntfy/afraid_to_be_in_a_relationship/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/afraid-to-be-in-a-relationship.1385161 https://theredarchive.com/post/1385161

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