[EDIT: The point of this article is to help drunk guys in bars fuck girls; not to actually teach you the science of anxiety]

There a lot of “guaranteed” cures for approach anxiety in the PUA world, and very few of these are 100% effective for anybody. Here is my approach: I realize that approach anxiety, or really, any kind of anxiety, is just a chemical made by my brain. In fact, all your emotions are, at the end of the day, just chemicals. And your brain makes those chemicals no matter what, even if the real world doesn’t justify them. And here is the kicker: EVERYBODY HAS THOSE CHEMICALS.

Let me explain.

For most of history, thinkers and writers thought that to be happy, a person had to use their “rational” brain to “control” their “emotions.” An unhappy person is somebody whose dick/stomach/greed/etc… has a mind of its own, whereas a happy person can control their emotions and think “rationally.”

However, recently science has shown that this model is ineffective. It turns out that it is a lot more difficult for the rational brain to control the emotions than previously thought, mostly because of a process known as confabulation. Confabulation is when a person’s emotions subconsciously hijack their rational thoughts, and convince that person to pursue the thing the emotion wants. The most obvious example of confabulation is when a drug addict convinces himself to take another hit of the drug. They’ll think to themselves “just this one time,” or “I’ve been good,” or something else. You can also see confabulation in action when you argue with somebody about something. Even if you are rationally right, you will see the person make stupider and stupider arguments because they don’t want to admit that they are wrong (or that they made a mistake, etc…). In fact, science have shown that intelligent people are actually more prone to cognitive biases than stupid people, because intelligent people are better at coming up with justifications for the fucked up things they want to do. The incredible thing about confabulation is that the reasons made by your brain sound perfectly logical and you have no idea that your brain was hijacked to justify these thoughts. Instead of thinking “I am having irrationally negative thoughts” you honestly think that you are having rational, real thoughts.

Now let’s talk about anxiety

Anxiety, like your other emotions, has an evolutionary reason. Basically, your brain is constantly making a chemical to make you feel worried and nervous, so that you will be careful in your life. What monkey do you think is more likely to get eaten in the jungle? The monkey with a big stupid grin on his face trying to eat every banana it sees, or the monkey that is constantly paranoid and looking over its shoulder to make that sound it just heard wasn’t a predator or something? Anxiety is necessary so that you sit and think about and analyze suspicious things without just brushing them off. There is no way for your brain to know in advance what kinds of fucked up things it may encounter, so your brain is constantly making this chemical known as “anxiety” to keep you constantly paranoid and worried about the future. As the monkey goes through the world, its brain constantly attaches meaning to that paranoia. Wait! What was that sound? It may have been a predator! Or it may have a rival monkey coming to get my food! Better be careful!

The problem is that while anxiety is good for monkeys to have, it tends to fuck things up for human beings. Human beings have incredibly complex and powerful brains, so our brains can confabulate the anxiety chemical into the most insane worst case scenarios and think the most horrible, irrational, untrue thoughts. If you’ve ever been around somebody with deep depression or anxiety, you know they will say the most insanely irrational negative things ever, like “nobody likes me,” “I’ll never be happy,” “I will always fail,,. etc…” If you’ve ever had really bad oneitis, your scumbag brain has probably attacked you with horrible thoughts like “I will never find anybody else like her,” “I will be alone forever,” “I will never be happy again,” etc… To a rational person these thoughts are just stupid! But… to a person actually feeling that anxiety they make perfect sense because their rational brain has been hijacked by anxiety.

The scariest thing about anxiety is that it doesn’t present itself to you as an irrational emotion, like hunger or sleep. You may sometimes hear people say “I’m being cranky because I’m hungry (or I didn’t have my nap).” But you’ll never hear people say “I am being unnecessarily negative because of my anxiety.” The reason is that your anxiety convinces your brain that shit is actually really fucked up. Worse yet, your brain believes it and creates confabulations to justify the anxiety. This whole process is happening unconsciously, so no what matter explanation you create to battle that anxiety, your brain will create another explanation justifying that anxiety. Fighting anxiety is literally like fighting a shape shifting terminator that changes forms depending on how you attack it.

The worst part about confabulation is that it blows any real threat to you out of proportion. A human being has a limited amount of focus, so your anxiety tries to get all of your attention and completely focus on that thing you are freaking out about, even if its not that important. Let’s say you wanted to approach a pretty girl you saw in a bar. A sensible confabulation for your anxiety would say “Hey, be careful, if you approach that girl she might reject you.” But no, that’s not what your scumbag brain says. Instead, it says “Hey, be careful, if you approach that girl, she might reject you, and then you will feel like a total piece of shit and loser. Everybody around will see her reject you and all the other girls will know that you are a total piece of shit who will never get pussy. All those girls will go home and tell their friends about this fucking douchetard who sucks at getting girls, so no girl in this town will ever fuck you again. Also, somebody will take a picture of the approach and post it on the internet so your friends and family can laugh at you. Also the bouncer will see you fail and ban you from the club. You will die alone in a gutter.” As you can see, AA is totally irrational and out of proportion. The best quote I have ever heard about this is “no thought you are ever having is as important as you think it is.”

Approach anxiety (the type of anxiety I imagine most of you are concerned about) is a form of rejection anxiety. One of the most painful emotions a human being can feel is being rejected by other humans. We are genetically wired from evolution to want to be part of the tribe, and when the tribe rejects us we lose our appetite and start ruminating about what we did wrong. Because our biggest fear is rejection, we literally do anything we can to prevent that emotion. And your brain keeps trying to convince you to NOT approach women because it is worried about feling that sting of rejection. Of course, approach anxiety is stupid. For one, there is a large chance that the girl will want to talk to you, even if she doesn’t “like” you. Secondly, even if she does reject you, so what? There are plenty of other girls in the world. In fact, there are more girls in the world (and even probably your city) than you could ever approach in a thousand lifetimes, so one girl rejecting you literally means nothing. Finally, even if a girl does reject you, that girl may end up liking you later, especially if she is impressed by your confidence and how you took the rejection. But it doesn’t matter - AA is totally irrational – our brains keep creating reasons we shouldn’t approach – “she’s not pretty enough,” “what if she makes a scene and embarrasses me,” “what if she has a boyfriend who will kick my ass,” “what if she starts talking to me and we have nothing to talk about,” “what if she’s a gold digger,” etc…

I don’t know about you, but my brain makes up some really dumb reasons to not approach. I used to avoid approaching girls because I thought “if they see me and I don’t approach them, I will look mysterious and cool.” That, if you haven’t noticed, is a horrible reason to not approach. No matter how cool and mysterious I look, its useless if I don’t ever actually talk to the girls. I would look super cool and mysterious and then that the end of the night we would all go home and I would never see her again. I had a friend once who would avoid approaching girls because no girl was ever hot enough for him. I would point out the hottest girl in the bar and he would say “no, not hot enough.” Of course, when I approached and I was safely enmeshed in a conversation (even with the aforementioned girls that weren’t hot enough for him), he would happily join. One time, he came and stood by me while I was talking to a 2-set, and just to embarrass him I said right in front of the girls “I thought these girls weren’t hot enough for you.”

How does one battle anxiety?

It’s a long hard, process, but as the famous philosopher Baruch Spinoza once said, “the only thing that can defeat an emotion is a stronger emotion.” In modern terms, you can say “the only thing that can defeat a confabulation created by a brain chemical is to create your own story based on a stronger brain chemical.” So while my AA chemical keeps telling me to not approach, I think about how awesome it would be if I succeeded. The strongest emotion a person can have is the feeling of warmth and love that comes from an emotional connection with another person. So I approach because the good feelings that come from an emotional connection are stronger than the sting I would get from a rejection. And as I practice, the less likely I am to get rejected, so the less rejection anxiety I feel. And even when I do get rejected, I realize that it’s not that bad. The world didn’t end, I’m not hungry in the woods. I just move on.

The good news

Here is the good news: EVERYBODY FEELS ANXIETY. Everybody’s brain creates the same amount of that chemical, we just confabulate it differently. No matter how successful or powerful or rich or good looking or famous you are, your brain keeps making that chemical. When something good happens to you, that reason for your anxiety goes away, but your brain comes up with a different reason to feel anxiety, because that chemical is still causing your brain to confabulate explanations for why the world is going to send soon. In fact, some of the most successful/powerful/rich/famous people I have ever met suffer from the most anxiety. Successful people often feel much worse anxiety because their brains come up with more insane confabulations. For example, a college student may feel anxiety because they are worried about their grades. It would be bad if they got bad grades. But somebody like Lady Gaga feels anxiety because she is afraid her next album might bomb and her career will be over. Who do you think feels worse on any given day because of their anxiety: the college student whose worst case scenario is shitty grades, or Lady Gaga, whose worst case scenario is losing her career? Worst yet, a college student can fix their grades by studying and working hard, but Lady Gaga’s success is based on a bunch of shit that she can’t control, which makes her anxiety so much worse. There is a reason so many rich and powerful people are dependent on drugs.

In addition, girls feel anxiety at TWICE THE LEVEL MEN DO. It’s just something in their biology where they make more of that chemical. So you know that super hot girl that you are afraid of approaching because of approach anxiety? Well, she has twice as much anxiety as you do. In fact, girls have so much approach anxiety that society has basically structured itself so that girls never approach men. In a perfect world, girls would love to approach men (that way, they can get the men they actually want, rather than the guy who comes up to them), but the anxiety is just too much.

I have some friends that are really hot girls and they have tons of anxiety. And you would be amazed at how much anxiety they feel about the way they look. I will look at a girl and think “you are the hottest girl in this club” but in her head she is comparing herself to everybody else, and thinking she is ugly, even when she isn’t. Why? Because even though she is pretty, her brain is still making that chemical called anxiety.

Confidence

Women (and men) are attracted to confidence for many reasons, but one of the main reasons is this: all human beings are tormented by this terrible chemical known as anxiety, and it makes you feel good to be around somebody who doesn’t have this chemical (or has it under control). When I walk into a club, I feel anxiety, but I know that that anxiety is an irrational emotion coming from a stupid chemical. I ignore that chemical and act like my brain doesn’t make it. At first, people are taken aback by my demeanor because I am acting strangely (anybody would act strangely if their brain didn’t make any anxiety). But when they see that I truly am acting like a normal, awesome person with no anxiety, they are intrigued and excited. People think that if they hang around me, somehow maybe they can become like me and also lose their anxiety. They don’t know that I have just as much anxiety as they do, I just hide it because I know it’s just a chemical.

From my blog Playersjourney.net!

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