Can't approach. Please help?

TofuTofu · 2011-11-03T04:37:22+00:00

Have you been to therapy? This level of social anxiety is outside the realm of seddit.

anonsequitur · 2011-11-03T04:32:48+00:00

You say "I can" and "I can't." That's not true. You can do whatever the fuck you want.

There is only one way, short of therapy. FORCE yourself. You could do it if someone had a shotgun pointed at your ear, couldn't you? Pretend someone is. You could do it for $100,000,000, right? Pretend you're gonna get that.

And visualize the worst thing that could happen. "What time is it?" "Fuck you asshole." Even that is no big deal. You walk away. And believe me, no one says that, even if it's the most maladjusted person ever.

Finally, cogitate on this. I'm not trying to say I'm some big player, but I've gone up to a random girl in a bar, said nothing to her, and just started making out with her. She didn't mind at all. She kissed back and liked it.

If I can do that, you can ask someone the time. And I used to have horrible approach anxiety too.

2011-11-03T08:42:18+00:00

Don't take advice from British guys!

Just kidding, but seriously the tapping thing has totally gotten out of hand. The only way to get over approach anxiety is to actually push your limits of anxiety. Feeling that much anxiety actually uses up a lot of energy and your body can't keep it up for too long.

So you have to push your limits. It also helps to put pressure on yourself. You can give $100 bucks to a friend and tell him to give you back $20 for every approach you do. Or you can just tell him to pressure you to do it. The thing is you need some sort of pressure, or you will just avoid it.

There is no "trick" to making it go away. If you want more motivation, get some Tony Robbins audio and get yourself pumped up (for real, his stuff is great).

Also check this out, really inspiring story you can learn a lot from, from a fellow Redditor:

http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/hiyzl/24_year_old_who_suffered_social_anxiety_his/

RedErin · 2011-11-03T17:18:54+00:00

Try mdma.

SamGill · 2011-11-03T05:12:56+00:00

..Who can you talk to?

SamGill · 2011-11-03T10:28:28+00:00

oh man please

wind back the clock perhaps 2 years ago and i was in a similar situation. not as nervous, but similar. buying food never bothered me. ok so i'll tell you what worked for me.

(1) they key is: gradual changes - build em up over a period of time. and over time you'd be asking people for directions, the time, whether they are single, whether they like chocolate; whether they'll be your lover - whatever. you can be as egregious as you want.

(2) so you "can't look people in the eye" (well at this stage at least). btw i fully endorse peterclemenza's can/can't post. hmmmm. this is unique and tricky. well. let's make this simpler. go to google. bring up a picture of a handsome/pretty individual. look at the picture in the eye and say "hello". ask what time it is. Do it for many different pics. you might think it's silly but it's a small step towards talking to that person in real life. stare at their eyes.

keep imagining it (looking at people in their eyes), and practicing this (i.e. imagining), and soon the imagination will naturally progress into reality.

(3) try it on real people if you dare. go to a busy intersection, mall whatever, find a chair etc. sit there. look at people's eyes from far away. if not their eyes because you're too nervous etc, then eyebrows. if not eyebrows then their hair. if not hair then clothes. if not clothes then look in their general direction. if you can't look at them stand near them. if you cant do that stand 100m away from them. you get the picture. don't worry they are too far away for them to think you are looking at them.

(3) it takes practice, some careful thought and over time, you'll be approaching (and rejecting) very beautiful women (as i did last fortnight) whom you thought were initially attractive, but found them to be silly little girls with vacous minds after actually approaching them.

TL;DR (1) Start small and build up; (2) it takes time, and practice (like anything, really). gluck

Barney21 · 2011-11-03T09:49:00+00:00

I had this. I thought about it a lot while in public but not trying to get to know anyone.

Playing eye contact games helps. Make the other person look away first, fight the urge to flinch when someone looks back. Don't worry about being "creepy". Also watch how people touch their face and hair, it is a sign of interest or nervousness.

Ask directions instead of time. Start at information counters (they're aid!) if random strangers are too hard.

Approach people you view as low status /unattractive.

Come back to the same venues, it builds confidence.

I think what turned me around was when I was walking past a guy and he dropped something. I said "Excuse me, but you dropped this", and picked it up and handed it to him. He said, "Thanks".

I walked away thinking to myself, "Why did I just apologize?" That was the first step.

rmbarnes · 2011-11-03T10:08:13+00:00

I will not approach, or even ask a person what time it is or for directions. Any suggestions? Here's what I've tried

FTFY.

It sounds like you need therapy, I've heard CBT is good for this sort of stuff

drumdance · 2011-11-03T14:17:24+00:00

Get therapy. I've done it for other things and it really helps.

puaCurveBall · 2011-11-03T15:40:19+00:00

Please read this thread:

http://redd.it/hiyzl

I hope it will help. You need therapy, whether self administered or not.

2011-11-03T16:57:56+00:00

Have you ever checked out Marcus? Go to http://www.yourcharismacoach.com/. He's a friendly upbeat British guy showing how easy it is to have charisma and approach people for conversations. Not really directed towards seduction or pickup, but I'm pretty sure it'll help you.

reyawaworht · 2011-11-03T17:12:17+00:00

This does sound like you've got some serious social anxiety and that therapy may help a LOT. Talk to a family member if you have trouble setting something like that up, it might be tough but ultimately it's going to be better for you if you address your problems.

Of course, one way to force yourself into it would be to pay for a PUA bootcamp where they take you all out to bars and do a lot of positive reinforcement to encourage you to approach.

Here's my general approach anxiety advice, though please note that I basically took the "Long" way to get over approach anxiety. I think most people on here will testify that the best way to overcoming AA is to just approach, and I agree, but sometimes that's just not possible, I don't care what anyone on the internet says.

When I started learning about game I HATED on myself because I was completely unable to approach strangers. I would go to a coffee shop and look at the cute girl and be like "I should talk to her" but It was just something that was SO far from being possible in my mind, because I wasn't in a social mood, I was stuck in my head. I'm actually glad I didn't go up and use an opener in those situations, because I would have gotten blown the fuck out almost assuredly and it would REALLY have killed my confidence.

You should start with the lowest level of social contact that you can handle. For me, this was networking events. I went to networking events where often people will approach YOU, and practiced me "Hey, i'm XXX, nice to meet you!" and eye contact and all that. I still go to a lot of networking events, even though they are techy so I don't meet women there, because anything and everything that will get you into a social mood is good.

Then I worked my way up and started going to stuff that was less "networking" and more "excuses for people to hook-up" (Young professionals events). That'll at least get you talking to girls in a non-professional context.

From there things branch out a lot. The more you grow your social circle, the more people you'll have around to put you in a social mood. Guess what happens if you have a great dinner with friends before going on a date or going to approach? Your success rate will skyrocket because you'll be in a better mood and you'll be used to talking.

Dr_Colossus · 2011-11-03T20:44:21+00:00

It seems like you need anxiety medication. If this is having such a huge effect on your life, you need to change. Go see a doctor. You don't have to live like that.

2011-11-03T21:25:54+00:00

You need Paxil or something man.

Not being able to approach hot chicks is one thing, but not being able to order off a menu in a restaurant is crazy.

Go to a therapist.

Peterclemenza gives some good advice though, you CAN make yourself do it, you just don't percieve the rewards being great enough, but they ARE great. It's probably the greatest reward you'll ever experience from anything, given your starting point.

kdmo · 2011-11-04T00:21:57+00:00

OP, wanting to change is the first step. You really need to just step out of your comfort zone. Do things that make you uncomfortable. Even if you feel uncomfortable, you power through and do it.

Is there any setting where you do feel comfortable? Maybe talking about your field of interest or work?

Can I ask why you are afraid to talk to restaurant staff? Is it a similar reason to why you can't ask for the time of day?

manbropig27 · 2011-11-04T02:11:19+00:00

I've grew up with about this level of anxiety. Here's how you get over it: Oddly enough you can't mentally tell your body to quit being anxious. Your body and mind learn separately. Ask someone for the time. Own up to your fears. Realize that you ultimately only have the choice of either not asking them and regretting the shit out of it, or risking a little embarrassment. You're ultimately just running from your fear. Asking someone for the time is not dangerous by any means. start small. Ask people ONLY for the time. Say thank you. Repeat. Anxiety goes down a bit. Add more to the routine. Repeat till you start to have fun. You'll start to learn slowly that it's not as bad as you thought it was and then youll even have fun with it. Oh and STOP CARING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF YOU. DO YOUR SHIT AND IF THEY RESPOND WEIRDLY THEN MOVE ON. And SMILE. that is all. Best of luck my friend! Tell me how it goes. And have fun!

heckz · 2011-11-03T06:18:09+00:00

I would definitely go see a therapist now.

Title	Can't approach. Please help?
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	7
Comments	27
Date	November 3, 2011 4:22 AM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/lylz5/cant_approach_please_help/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/cant-approach-please-help.1324576 https://theredarchive.com/post/1324576

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