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[–]entericalamity 85 points86 points87 points 4 years ago (13 children) | Copy Link
Neediness is a self-esteem issue. You don't act needy around girls who you see as below you - fair enough. But you said it yourself "I am afraid I won't find someone like this in a long time."
You don't have the self belief that you deserve a woman like that, so you self-sabotage. You overthink. You place discordant notes in the rhythm of the conversation. If you want to abolish neediness, you need to work on your self esteem.
People on this reddit will give you platitudes like "go to the gym", "go buy some nice clothes", which are things that will help but it's not going to solve the problem. Only you can find the answer to why you have low self esteem.
And to clarify, self-esteem is not "oh man I look so fucking good today". It's a much deeper feeling of self worth. It's when none of your validation comes from women, and all of it is derived internally. How to get there? Figure it out, everyone is different and no one knows you the way you do.
[–]no_not_this 8 points9 points10 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Solid post. When you walk out the door feeling like the fucking man it’s great. You have to take the steps to be that man.
[–]larsson22 4 years ago [recovered] (9 children) | Copy Link
I respect your comment, but allow me to counter-argue.
I also suffer a lot from neediness (as shown by my post history lol). But I don't think it's a lack of self-esteem, I think I just have a need that isn't being fulfilled, in this case, intimacy with women.
"It's a much deeper feeling of self worth. It's when none of your validation comes from women, and all of it is derived internally." But then, why do "non-needy" people take so many women to bed? In fact, why do they even date when they don't want to have children?
That's why I disagree when people say "you should be 100% happy without a woman." Mother Nature literally wired into us the will to have sex and intimacy to people of the sex we're attracted to. So, if that will isn't being fulfilled, how can one not become needy, even if other areas of his life are going perfectly?
[–]focus_flow69 8 points9 points10 points 4 years ago* (4 children) | Copy Link
Non needy people implicitly convey that they can get a lot of women and have an abundance mentality.
Whether or not that's actually true doesn't matter. The girl just has to perceive that you have options, and you are actively choosing her over your other options. It is this perception that drives her to feel like she must win you over and thus become attracted to you.
If you are needy, you are implicitly conveying you don't get women often. You are worried this one chance you get is all you get. When the girl perceives you this way, her subconscious reacts by asking why? Why doesn't this man have options? Is he not a suitable mate? How come other girls don't want him? Again, these she's not concisously thinking and asking these questions, but these will manifest in the form of a feeling. A feeling of being unattracted and uneasiness around you, questioning you as a suitable person to date.
If other areas of your life is going perfectly, you must bask in the solace and confidence that you are a catch. And since you know you are a catch, you are confident you will find a suitable partner at some point in the future. You are confident in your ability to learn to attract women because you have the rest of your life together, despite not actually currently having women in your life. You are content because you are confident you will find someone to date. Maybe not right this moment, but it's only a matter of time. With this mentality, you can let go of currently not having that part of your life fulfilled and thus remove neediness, until it becomes a self filling prophecy
[–][deleted] 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
[permanently deleted]
[–]focus_flow69 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Its just a different perspective l. I'm not claiming that's what neediness is all about. I feel sometimes people, especially inexperienced people with women, get confused because multiple perspectives and viewpoints can both simultaneously be true for different people. We lvie in a gray world not black and white absolutes. Your perspective sounds like it's coming from someone who dealt with someone being needy whereas mine is from someone who was once needy and fixed it.
What you said is also true, but I don't know how much it can help to explain to a needy person how shitty of a person they are.
[–]larsson221 point 4 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
Now that you mention it... Today I'm not feeling needy at all, and I haven't had sex. But I am feeling an extremely positive energy and confidence that if I go out I will meet girls and maybe attract them.
I had never thought from that perspective of neediness coming from fear about the future. I always thought it was related to your past experiences being poor. You make a good point.
[–]Murky-Finish1733 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
So what’s the solution then? Be needy to the right girl or is their a healthy type of needy?
[–]ChoppedBelAir 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I think it's about getting out of your own way.
Guys actuality tend to talk a girl out of hooking up with them so chat a bit, take some space to talk to other people, come back and chat a bit, maybe take space again, but then shoot your shot.
Focus on, focus away, focus on, focus away, then come back and ask for what you want in a way that isn't high pressure and let's them know you are ok with either result. Hey let's get out of here. Hey I'm going to eat at this place, you should come. I'm going to this bar for drinks and to play darts, why not join me.
If she says no, just say ok, maybe another time. Ask for contact info, try again some other time
I'm still searching for the solution my guy xD
But my current stance is that I have to maximize my performance in all other aspects of my life: appearance, career, workout, hobbies, assertiveness, reaction to rejection, flirting, escalating. These are a lot of aspects, but I believe if I can dominate them, maybe my neediness won't be much of an issue at all.
But I'm inexperienced and only recently started properly dating, so I'm not speaking with 100% certainty about what I just said. But I maintain, there is no easy solution to neediness and I think it's a more complex issue than just saying "seek your own approval and not women's"
[–]FranangerForce 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Hi, I am good looking, have nice clothes and have an impressive physique. I just want to share that I managed to improve my self-esteem greatly by doing guided positive affirmations on YouTube daily, and doing some of my own meditation after.
A lot of people say that it’s like brainwashing yourself, but what people don’t understand is that they brainwash themselves to believe negative thoughts about themselves everyday. Positive affirmations is a great way to counteract that, and bolster the way you think of yourself.
Try it, I personally do the Positive Affirmations by Lavendiare on YouTube.
[–]theworldisbroken1 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
i can confirm, this man has recoil merch with custom cut sleeveless design
[–]Lighthero34 11 points12 points13 points 4 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
Sleep with the ones who "aren't your type" personality wise.
Having many girls boosts your abundance mindset and makes you obsessed less.
[–][deleted] 4 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]Lighthero34 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
I didn't say practice. I said start accepting more women into your life then that one girl won't seem so valuable because you already have so many.
[–]Lighthero34 -1 points0 points1 point 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
Oh wait you aren't even OP.
I no longer care to have this conversation
[–]CocoBabeNYC 8 points9 points10 points 4 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
I want you to ask yourself these three questions and provide the answers here:
[–]Entita13 9 points10 points11 points 4 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
[–]CocoBabeNYC 18 points19 points20 points 4 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
Great, so let's analyze this a bit. It seems that the big issue is fear. Fear that if you don't latch onto her, you might miss on a huge opportunity? Is this correct?
But at the same time this fear is not actually doing anything for you. As a matter of fact, not only is the fear not doing anything for you, it is actually driving behaviors that will very likely result in the exact same thing you fear, which is rejection by someone you really like.
Why? As you said, neediness makes you look weakminded, desperate and unattractive. So there are not benefits to this behavior.
At the same time you are afraid if you let go, you will lose her. So let's explore what are some of the fantastic things you will GAIN by letting go.
For example you will gain peace of mind. You won't have to worry about how much you are texting, what you are texting, whether she's still interested, etc. By letting go, you will give her the space to miss you. She will actually be more likely to want to chase you because you have shown her that you don't need her. By letting go, you are actually getting rid of the behavior (neediness/desperation) that you know will guarantee you rejection.
Are you depriving yourself of anything by stopping being so needy? You are actually not depriving yourself of anything. If you are non needy, she will be way more interested in you, which would negate the need for you to be needy and fearful.
[–]1_1111111 3 points4 points5 points 4 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
Not OP but am in a similar position.
How do you work toward letting go? I know that’s the way I need to be thinking, but I don’t know how to go about working toward that. I workout, have a career, have friends but dating has always troubled me, which I believe is the cause of the neediness.
[–]CocoBabeNYC 6 points7 points8 points 4 years ago* (3 children) | Copy Link
Ask yourself the above questions and repurpose them for all limiting beliefs. The point here is to understand that you have been brainwashed to believe certain things and that the only reason you hold on to old beliefs and resist giving them up is because you feel you must be depriving yourself of something.
Let me give you an example. Let's say you have a belief that says "I'm worthless".
So you ask Why do I really believe I'm worthless?
And your answer can be something like: women have never responded positively to me, I never got encouragement as a kid, only criticism, etc.
Fair enough. Then you do to "What does believing I'm worthless do for me?"
Most people will say stuff like "it doesn't do anything for me, it just makes me feel bad". But dig deeper. Do you see any advantages to beating yourself up? I can! Telling yourself you are worthless can be a motivator to improve yourself and your value. How else can you work on your flaws unless you can see them realistically and criticize yourself?
Now that you have identified the resistance, you need to do some work to show yourself why it is just an illusion and is actually keeping you from being high value. Does criticism ever work? Has it ever actually motivated anyone to improve? Probably begrudgingly. But don't you think that positive reinforcement and encouragement work much better as a motivator? What about pointing out your so called flaws? Well, if you call yourself worthless that's just throwing out the baby with the bath water. Isn't it better to narrow down on the things you think you can improve? Can you dress better, be more social? Are there skills that you can work on that will make you more successful in dating?
Once you have worked on seeing through the illusion of these so called benefits, you can ask yourself the final question.
Do I really need to keep believing I'm worthless? And hopefully the answer is a resounding NO.
[–]1_1111111 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Thank you.
[–]Fodor1987 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
OK so you had me right up until the closer. Hopefully the answer to "do I really need to keep believing I'm worthless?" is a resounding NO. But - it's not a no from me. It should be, yes, it absolutely should, but it's not. I've had way more than enough input in my life, from important people in my life, people whose opinions I value and trust, even family (mostly family, as a matter of fact) convince me of my lack of worth with repeated comments on my appearance, my social habits, etc, and I can think of at least one of those people who I need to, for personal reasons, keep close, and the others in my life are in my life because of that one person. For some things, anyone could fill that void if the person was gone (which, actually, I'm fairly certain that that day is coming sooner than later), but, for other things, they're completely unique. I'm a dependant, I have special needs, and at this point in my life, I'm not even sure I know how to become independent.
[–]CocoBabeNYC 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Do this again but substitute "I'm worthless" with "letting people close to me disrespect me and walk all over me"
[–]RedditAtWorkIsBad 7 points8 points9 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I get it. I'm 46, recently single. OK, TOO recently single to be dating again, but whatever. I'm on Bumble right now. Met with three girls so far. Two of them I knew instantly there wasn't any future, and I was very relaxed, myself, and they both wanted more of me. The third girl was physically EXACTLY my type, and also had an interesting profile that matched me pretty well.
I am very privy to the dilemma at hand. I know it is a matter of discipline, and of entering EACH encounter with no goal in mind other than just meeting interesting people. I shouldn't care if anything happens even with the cute one. But I did. And I know I wasn't quite myself. That said, I definitely have a better handle on this know then when I was your age. It was clear from the first few seconds of our meetup that she wasn't initially interested. Could I have turned that around if my energy and confidence were 100% where they should have been? Maybe, but I'd say relatively low.
Just keep moving forward and don't put any weight on the outcome of the situation. That is the key. After that, you can be yourself. Maybe you'll offend her right away, no big deal. There is always the next one.
[–]-Mavs 4 points5 points6 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
You need to legitimately stay busy with life.
Work on furthering your career path (studies or networking), go to the gym and maintain your fitness to a high level, side hustle, etc.
Stop focusing on females. A lot of the times women are temporary whereas you’re the obvious constant in your life.
[–]idk_anything999 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Fake it till u make it
Be a confident let them see u as alpha of the group See yourself as reward not that bitches and most important thing remember that ur doing for yourself not someone else.
[–]Iamnotthatguypall 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Have more options
[–]nbh1995 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link
I see a lot of "she" in your post. you should focus on "me" more.
[–]nbh1995 2 points3 points4 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Let her go and focus on other things. If she comes back, cool. But expect she won't. Women really don't care man. If she isn't giving you attention she isn't thinking about you.
[–]AyWhatITIS 1 point2 points3 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Abundance mind set. Realize you're the prize. You're gon a make the money and provide one day. What does she bring? Sex, cooking and cleaning? Self improve. Get into pe if you're small. Go to the gym. Correct your micronutrients, omega 3s, D, B9, B12, etc. Optimize your hormones, read books, meditate, work on your sleep hygiene etc
[–]distawest 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Stop now your incessant self examination ... Take initiatives, start chasing lots of girls... dont stick to your narrow social circle... accept rejections as an essential part of knowledge... have variety in your life ... your life is going to be wonderful even without this particular girl
[–]Sup3rHD 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Talk to other girls while u text to her She is not special
[–]Beneficial-Tip-4044 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
read models: how to attract women through honesty, it literally lays out what neediness stems from, and how to properly help it
[–]Zealousideal6669 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
I started to watch Joe Dispenza lately and it's kinda a similar thing what he teaches. As you said and as I assume you probably know where your neediness comes from if you don't you definitely should but I assume that you just probably need more attention and intimacy that girls can gives you and it makes you obsessed with it. The good news you probably aren't needy because of girl rather something missing inside of you that you can get from girls. So if you're find that missing piece and you figure out how to solve that problem internally or how to get the same thing in another way your attachment gonna be solved pretty soon
[–]Repulsive-Fee393 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Super easy, tell the honest truth, no matter how painful it may be and if it alienates you forever. Think about it, by telling the truth you risk losing the girl forever, women respect and are attracted to this. Hold your ground on your opinion, watch the magic happen.
[–]shxbxx 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
It's simple, picture yourself winning and get the win.
[–]_MK_1_ 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Choose yourself. Fall in love with multiple interests, find passsions and people platonically. I am not going to spout any platitude about happiness comes from within and shit like that.
All you need to do is have fun and populate your life with that. Suddenly a girl becomes ONE of the awesome aspects of your life. It's magical what kind of energy you attract when you make yours "fun."
[–]ksmith11011 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Turn dating into a hobby, go out with multiple women at a time. Best way to solve that issue and it’ll make you more attractive to women across the board due to the decreased neediness.
[–]Yaman09118 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Just Be Open And Honest But Always Have It In Your Mind If It's Meant To Be It Will Be If Not Still Have Respect For Each Others Feelings On The Matter
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[–]entericalamity 85 points86 points87 points (13 children) | Copy Link
[–]no_not_this 8 points9 points10 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]larsson22 [recovered] (9 children) | Copy Link
[–]focus_flow69 8 points9 points10 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]focus_flow69 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]larsson221 point [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]Murky-Finish1733 0 points1 point2 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]ChoppedBelAir 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]larsson221 point [recovered] | Copy Link
[–]FranangerForce 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]theworldisbroken1 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Lighthero34 11 points12 points13 points (5 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]Lighthero34 1 point2 points3 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–][deleted] (2 children) | Copy Link
[–]Lighthero34 -1 points0 points1 point (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]CocoBabeNYC 8 points9 points10 points (8 children) | Copy Link
[–]Entita13 9 points10 points11 points (7 children) | Copy Link
[–]CocoBabeNYC 18 points19 points20 points (6 children) | Copy Link
[–]1_1111111 3 points4 points5 points (4 children) | Copy Link
[–]CocoBabeNYC 6 points7 points8 points (3 children) | Copy Link
[–]1_1111111 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Fodor1987 0 points1 point2 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]CocoBabeNYC 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]RedditAtWorkIsBad 7 points8 points9 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]-Mavs 4 points5 points6 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]idk_anything999 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Iamnotthatguypall 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]nbh1995 1 point2 points3 points (1 child) | Copy Link
[–]nbh1995 2 points3 points4 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]AyWhatITIS 1 point2 points3 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]distawest 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Sup3rHD 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Beneficial-Tip-4044 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Zealousideal6669 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Repulsive-Fee393 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]shxbxx 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]_MK_1_ 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]ksmith11011 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link
[–]Yaman09118 0 points1 point2 points (0 children) | Copy Link