Ever have problems being nice?

SemanticsLogistics · 2012-05-01T07:29:37+00:00

I think this may be a stage a lot of guys go through. I don't think I was ever so blunt but there was definitely a time when I was more mean, knew I was doing it, and couldn't seem to reel it in.

I believe my first step was recognizing what I was doing and consciously stopping myself before saying something like that. What I didn't know was what I could say instead. I picked that up from watching a friend who I know is excellent with both girls and people in general.

It takes some practice, but there is a very fine area of comments that say just enough "I don't give a shit" without being such a dick. A lot of times it has to do with changing the conversation to put you back into control. For example if the girl asks you if you want to buy a cute girl (her) a drink, I would say something along the lines of "yeah, where is she?" while obviously looking around like you're looking for someone and cant seem to find the cute girl she's talking about. It has to be delivered in a light enough way that they don't take offense, but true enough that they understand you aren't gonna buy them that drink and that it was a stupid question. You don't sound like a never-talked-to-a-girl-before type, so this is a little more nuanced and involved way to handle it, but with a little conscious effort and practice anyone can pick it up.

Edit: just realized I misread your drink situation, but it still applies. "want to buy my friend a drink?" "if by your friend, you mean me, then yes I would absolutely love to buy your friend a drink. Hell your friend is the coolest guy I know, let's all buy him a drink." Same idea. You're taking control, showing that you won't just do whatever she wants, but still being slightly playful and much less of a dick.

jaxiz · 2012-05-01T08:52:16+00:00

Try smiling.

maxwellchernsimons · 2012-05-01T09:47:37+00:00

I don't get it, what's in for you on "calling them out"? You should be having fun.

Next time, just smile and joke, make sure they know you're above their bullshit, and keep building rapport.

SegaTakai · 2012-05-01T13:00:18+00:00

First of all, the fact that you're calling people on their bullshit is an important step. Congratulations on no longer being a carpet. That said, you seem to be reacting in an adversarial manner. Basically, if you put yourself opposing them, you're an enemy. Instead, you want to be on their side, helping them win you over.

Your first example is perfect. You had her in the bag, she was at a loss for words and you told her to go get stuffed. Instead, you should have (imo) told her girls usually buy YOU drinks, but she IS pretty cute, so you'll CONCEDE to splitting a drink with her, 50/50.

sparklyteenvampire · 2012-05-01T13:58:08+00:00

It's good to let her know you're not falling for the usual bullshit, but instead of shutting her down completely, you want to let her know that you're a man of quality and she needs to work to win your interest. You also need to be aloof without being rude or insulting (both very beta traits).

"You get to buy a cute girl a drink."

"This bar is full of cute girls. I could probably get one of them buying me drinks. What makes you so special?"

This gives her a chance to try and impress you. You still shouldn't buy her the drink, but you can reward her with your attention, or later in the exchange you could make a deal where you both buy a drink for each other.

OTOH, you should still be prepared to walk away, just as you did, if she won't put in the effort. Smile, say "better luck next time" without rancor, and turn away.

AdmanUK · 2012-05-01T11:43:11+00:00

I am having this problem a lot at the moment and it's really killing my game. To the point whereby as soon as they start that shit I just walk away. No words, no excusal just walk away, otherwise I might say something nasty. This of course is essentially suicide in the game, any advice?

2012-05-01T21:17:16+00:00

sorry to say it like this, but you sound like a dick with unresolved issues regarding to women.

MisterRight1 · 2012-05-01T12:54:34+00:00

Keep in mind this is constructive criticism, but this is very clearly a strong AFC characteristic and you must get rid of it. Your focus should be on having fun and amusing yourself. Often times when you can read into situations, like when you see a woman using sex to manipulate people, you can actually mess everything up for her by changing the dynamic. For me, when people try to manipulate me I have no problem manipulating them back. My response whould have been something like this.

Me: oh! You must think you're something special! That's cute.(Always say things playfully)

Her: Well yeah, kinda.

Me: Well I can tell you are fun and outgoing, but I don't know about special. Certainly not special enough for a drink, though. ;)

From here on the girl will likely act fun and outgoing toward you to receive enough approval for you to buy a drink. The drink now becomes her goal, which she can achieve by proving herself to you by taking on the qualities you've already assigned to her. This is manipulative, but I amuse myself with the turn-around.

itsiceyo · 2012-05-01T10:33:42+00:00

remember this. "Agree and amplify. or Ignore"

in the scenario where the two girls kissed at the party. You could have agreed, and amplified with a.. "any room for me??!" with a fat smile. Would have got some laughs and brought on some spontaneous fun if they said yes. You seem to be using alot of negs though. Smile more and just have fun. Dont be a douche.

RedErin · 2012-05-01T13:50:54+00:00

Yeah, you have a lot of resentment. It's unhealthy and makes you act like a ass. Do more reading here and it should help you get over that. You'll learn the subconscious reasons that women give shit tests and why they need bitch shields.

xiko · 2012-05-01T14:21:51+00:00

Go to the next levek and use humour just like semantics said. You will show that you know her game and are calling on it but you are twisting it to your game/frame. And with humour!

teachmehow2panda · 2012-05-01T22:45:36+00:00

How can I get over this disgust when women play games and use their sexual capital? How could I have said that to call them out without blowing up any rapport built?¨

By realizing that you probably play those same games. Just today I got coffee made for me by using a cute sing songy voice and puppy eyes on one of my roomies. If she had responded like you did I would probably think she was an ass and go out of my way to NOT help her when she needs something out of me. So basically you are shooting yourself in the foot. I get it, you don't want to get taken advantage of... but think about it, who would you rather be: a person who trusts other people and forms secure attachments or someone who is constantly paranoid of peoples motivations?

Attila_TheHipster · 2012-05-01T23:51:25+00:00

Read a lot of comments on the 'girl asking for drink'-scenario, but how do I deal with girls asking me to do stuff/get stuff for them?

"Haha, no. Don't be lazy." or ???

DavH27 · 2012-05-01T10:38:10+00:00

I did this but then realised that women use sex for power because ultimately, it's the only thing a man cannot find for himself - it's the only thing a woman has in need!

Once a woman gives up and has sex, she has nothin more to offer that a man does not already have the capability to get for himself.

Of course, I'm over simplifying here as women are so much more than a man (to a straight guy anyway) but ultimately when you get down to pure animal needs and drives...that's it.

I am blunt. I used to be rude with it and still trying to rein it in, but the more you work on inner game to come from a place of abundance, the more you will not need to keep batting these women down and instead playfully turn it on them into a game. Literally. Funny why it's called game, huh.

Title	Ever have problems being nice?
Author	baaaark
Upvotes	24
Comments	23
Date	May 1, 2012 7:08 AM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/t18bv/ever_have_problems_being_nice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/ever-have-problems-being-nice.1332076 https://theredarchive.com/post/1332076

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