EDIT: Some of you are saying, "There's no substitute for experience. Just do it!" As someone who was very depressed for a long time, there's no way to just will your way out. There's no way to "just be happy."

Similarly, I'm betting a lot of you want to just grow the balls to talk to a girl, but are paralyzed by irrational thoughts. This whole post is about proving that your irrational thoughts are wrong and creating a safe environment for action, just like CBT creates a solid foundation for defeating depression.

In this sub we talk a lot about outcome independence, but we don't talk about how to reach outcome independence.

I see a lot of this sub responding in a way that rewards good outcomes and disqualifies unsuccessful ones ("You got the number...so what? Come back when you get laid."). My goal with this post is to provide a roadmap for outcome independence based on the book Feeling Good.

The fundamental thesis is simple:

  • (A) It is all in your head
  • (B) AA is really about one thing: cognitive distortion

I want you to imagine what happens when you get blown out of an interaction. Visualize the WORST possible outcome:

  • You smile and put your hand out for a girl on the dance floor, and she says "Fuck no" while sneering at you
  • You approach a girl in the street and say "Hi," and she walks away quickly without responding
  • You ask a bartender for her number and she says she's not interested, "like...at all"

Really imagine those situations happening. What emotions are you feeling? Embarrassment. Frustration. Anger. Resentment. Self-hate. These emotions create fear. We know we should do something for ourselves (work out, talk to girls, finish our projects) but we don't because we fear the outcome (failure).

You now understand the fundamental basis of depression and inaction: the guilt-ridden cycle of "I should" and "I can't." How do we fix this? First step: kill the "should."

"Should" statements ("I should go talk to her" or worse, from your friends: "DUDE GO TALK TO HER RIGHT NOW YOU FUCKING PUSSY") create resentment and pressure. Never say "should" like it's some kind of normative command from God himself. Do it because you want to.

Second, fix the "can't." We don't do things because we create cognitive distortions about events:

  • Overgeneralization (She blew me out, therefore all girls hate me. I'll never get a date.)
  • Mind-reading (She blew me out, therefore she thinks I'm a loser.)
  • Disqualifying the positive (Yeah I got to dance with her, but she was drunk. I just got lucky. I didn't do anything.)
  • All or nothing thinking (I made out with her but I didn't get laid. This was a failure.)
  • Fortune telling (This is going to go so bad.)

So how do you defeat cognitive distortions? Have a dialogue with your unreasonable self. And recognize that your thoughts have no basis in objective reality. They're just your thoughts.

Depression and anxiety are unreasonable, so fight them with facts! Use a reductio ad absurdum to show how ridiculous your negative self is being. Here's a (long) example of your whole inner dialogue:

"I should go talk to her."

No you shouldn't. There's no objective reason why you are compelled to do so.

"But I want to."

Great, that's more like it. Why?

"I want to get laid."

Is that the only reason?

"No...it will be fun. But I'm too much of a pussy to go do it."

Well why can't you go talk to her?

"She'll reject me. And then I'll be embarrassed."

Embarrassed by whom? Will the whole bar laugh at you?

"No! Of course not...I'll just feel like a failure."

Are you a failure if you can't have sex with a woman on a whim?

"Yes...seddit says I am."

Do you care what internet strangers think?

"No. But I care what she thinks. What if she hates me?"

Does it make you totally worthless if one woman doesn't want to talk to you?

"I mean...not really. But I don't want to interrupt her conversation."

If you interrupt, what will happen?

"She'll think I'm rude."

How do you know that? What if she appreciates your boldness?

"I mean, who knows if that will happen."

That's my point. Why don't you just try it?

"It will go poorly"

Stop trying to predict the future and read her mind.

"Good point. Okay, I'll go right now!"

Recognize what's stopping you and reason with yourself. Oftentimes we get caught up imagining all the negative emotions that COULD happen. Identify those fallacies, understand they are just your way of manipulating what's real, and debate yourself until you're no longer convinced of your own lies.

For perhaps an even more concise post on the subject that I just found, check this post from /u/JohnCooperWrites.