How to choose good friends?

reyawaworht · 2011-11-01T19:26:17+00:00

I think your "good points" are all pretty obvious, of course i'm not gonna be friends with a dude who steals shit all the time. Finding good friends is a little bit deeper than that.

Here's my list for someone who I'd want as a good friend:

Nearly always positive. People who are excessively negative will make YOU negative.
Does not excessively talk shit about people behind their backs. A little jab here and there is one thing, but doing it excessively is two-faced
Adds value to the group as a whole
Is someone who doesn't constantly fight me for dominance or leadership of my social group, understands we're just out to have fun
Is willing to break out of their comfort zone in at least SOME form. I understand if you have a fear or two that you don't want to conquer, but I constantly am trying to break out of my comfort zone, if you can't do that then I don't know what to do with you
Is not a drama queen and will roll with things

That being said, you often can't choose with this granularity. Also, you want a lot of acquaintances, don't write someone off unless they repeatedly bring down the fun.

I only have a few friends who really fit this definition entirely, they're the people I respect the most and the people who I want to hang out with the most, because after I hang out with them I always feel like they bring me up (And I hope I do the same with them).

In terms of your scenario " Dated a girl, best friend since childhood steals her away. ", I think the key there is "Best friend since childhood". We all have friendships that we are comfortable in, or pressured to be in, because we've been friends for so long, and these friends may have taken a turn for the worse and may not have turned out great people. It happens, but it's really hard to stop being friends with someone who you've known your whole life, or see their flaws. Shouldn't be as big of a problem with someone you're meeting as an adult.

WolfInTheField · 2011-11-01T17:44:20+00:00

I'm sure this is a very unproductive opinion, but I always just thought that, like that special lover, the really good friends can't be summoned, only found at random. I guess the only suggestion I have is: be screening and show scrutiny.

I don't know about any unwritten rules, though; the only one I've tried to uphold so far is keep friends and business separated (and I didn't do a good job, TBH).

postmodgirl · 2011-11-01T17:42:11+00:00

Well, meet people and hang out. Not everyone you spend time with has to be a good friend, just as in a romantic relationship getting to know a person takes time. But, in deciding on who's quality and who isn't there are a few things to keep in mind. Watch how they treat and talk about others. Do they take ownership of their actions? Do they treat others with respect? Do they brag about hurting others or other asshollery? Are they constantly surrounded by drama? If they can drive their own bus and are not bastards with drama then they may be worth letting in to your inner circle, if not, just smile & nod and keep as aquatintences.

We all have troubles, and we all will need help from time to time. Lending money is a sure fire way to destroy a friendship. If you ever do, do so in the spirit that you won't get it back (& be ok with that), and never give away money you can't afford to lose.

As for you friend stealing your girl, I'm sorry that sucks, but don't let that make you a paranoid controlling asshole. Your girl wasn't stolen, she chose to sleep with your friend just as he chose to sleep with her. Women are not sheep. So, if you trust your girl to be faithful and your friends to be honorable then you can have (and should) let them mingle. I personally wouldn't date a guy who couldn't trust me, and I wouldn't be friends with one either. What happened sucks, but not everyone is like that, and its just going to take time to build trust. But don't let your future friends and lovers pay for the asshole behavior of the people you knew in the past.

sillymallard · 2011-11-01T18:26:09+00:00

Your good friends are the ones who help you when you need help.

Insidium · 2011-11-02T07:11:37+00:00

[permanently deleted]

frogma · 2011-11-02T14:22:18+00:00

All those examples you gave are describing someone who'd be pretty despicable in general. If your friend can't pay you back for shit and he steals shit from you, then he's not the greatest friend in the world.

In general though, like someone else said, it's always good to have acquaintances, even if some of em are weird, or bad people, or whatever. Those people don't have to be your "best" friends, and you don't have to see them all the time. But you might as well be friendly with them, because most people at least have something to offer. If a guy has nothing to offer, there's no chance in hell I'll be hanging out with him often, if at all. But every friend and acquaintance I have right now is someone who provides some sort of value to my life. Otherwise I wouldn't be friends with them.

I don't actively screen for friends. If I meet a guy who's semi-cool, then I probably wouldn't mind seeing him again, so I'll do that.

In terms of lending money, I like to spend money. So if I have extra money, I tend to lend it out if I know someone needs it. I don't expect to get it back, unless it's already agreed that I'll be getting it back. And if the guy doesn't give it back to me, I'll hound him a little bit, but I won't break his legs or anything. If it's a lot of money (never been in that situation), then I'd probably get on his case a bit and eventually just cut him out of my life until/unless he pays me back.

"Don't let them be around your gf without you around"

This one would just be a trust issue on your part. I don't think it's a healthy mindset at all. The more trusting you are upfront, and the less jealous, I think you'll find that your girlfriend and your friend are gonna be less likely to take advantage of that shit. The jealousy/control issue is what creates that bad environment in the first place.

crazyhit · 2011-11-02T15:08:47+00:00

People I have no interest in making friends with:

Drug abusers (including marijuana and alcohol) are never good friends. I never trust them. If they aren't already they'll become narcissists.
Violent people. I never trust them, and they'll get me in trouble.
Misogynists, racists etc. (obvious)
Some cynism can be funny and cynical people can often be interesting but when it crosses over to general resentment they turn into assholes.
If I can't trust them with a money loan, I can't consider them a good friend.

How I obtain friendships? Being myself. I see no point in having a friend I can't relax around.

How do I maintain friendships? I do my best to hang out at least once a week.

Rules about loaning money? When my friend was in between jobs I offered to loan him some money until he'd gotten a new job. He declined but I would have no problem emptying my savings account for him.

Rules about girlfriends meeting my friends? I seriously can't even imagine a girl getting in between me and my closest friends. I can't make up my mind about that being sad or awesome.

ImKumarYo · 2011-11-03T05:23:55+00:00

What up, TMP. Almost missed this thread as I'm not on Seddit much these days. Here's what I do every couple of months. Are you familiar with the 80/20 principle? A simple way to summarize it regarding to friends is:

80% of the quality in your life comes from 20% of the people.

Every few months I go through and analyze which of the people I spend time with actually contribute to my life. I then make a conscious effort to start replacing just a little bit of time with the people that add less quality to my life and instead spend that time with the people that do.

You don't have to ever cut anyone completely out if you don't want to but if you start doing this every so often you'll start to naturally gravitate more towards the people you want in your life without actively thinking about it.

It's a great process because it actively improves your life by adding people that help you do so. By continuiing to do this you become a better social connector and more and more people naturally gravitate towards you. The more choice you have, the higher the quality of the people you choose to keep closest to you.

Note: I hope "quality" doesn't come across as conceited. There isn't a real definition for it but everyone kinda knows what their personal meaning for the word means. My quality may be completely different from your definition.

2011-11-03T15:07:02+00:00

Why does this belong on this board?

Good advice, of course, but here?

2011-11-03T20:31:39+00:00

Here's one: make lot's of friends so that you won't be afraid to let someone go when they start to treat you badly. This is abundance mentality applied to friendship.

Title	How to choose good friends?
Author	testmypatience
Upvotes	15
Comments	22
Date	November 1, 2011 4:58 PM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/lwl71/how_to_choose_good_friends/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-to-choose-good-friends.1324490 https://theredarchive.com/post/1324490

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