~ archived since 2018 ~

How to get female friends?

orangeapplegrape · 2012-02-18T00:05:00+00:00

I don't think I ever had a female friend. The closest I can get is knowing someone enough to say hi to when I see them but I can't really say...

orangeapplegrape

February 18, 2012

11 upvotes

/r/seduction

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Post Information

Title	How to get female friends?
Author	orangeapplegrape
Upvotes	11
Comments	31
Date	February 18, 2012 12:05 AM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/pulmi/how_to_get_female_friends/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/how-to-get-female-friends.1328570 https://theredarchive.com/post/1328570

Comments

[–]nycprowl 6 points7 points8 points 14 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link

[–]orangeapplegrape[S] 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

[–]nycprowl 9 points10 points11 points 14 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

I can only connect with someone if they are smart, independent and unique minded like me (same values). Its a shame most of the girls I come across are generic and gossipy.

You're judging too soon. Sure, there are a lot of gossipy girls out there, but you are judging them on ONE aspect of them, and it's in a group setting. The girl can easily think "oh, this guy, all he does is say hi and nothing else... what a generic, boring guy" but there is obviously more to you than that.

Don't be so quick to judge others without getting to know them.

Its also hard unless the girl is by herself because you are overshadowed by the group mentality. So in reality, the odds are against me.

Ask her to hang out sometime. Then you can get 1-on-1 time. Or even in a group, if she's off by herself somewhere (getting a drink, both sitting on the bench during a sports game, etc) you can easily talk to her.

Odds are only against you because you are making them against you.

[–]peut-etre 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]orangeapplegrape[S] -1 points0 points1 point 14 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

[–]nycprowl 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Because you're overthinking it. Seriously... you really are.

its easier for a girl and boy to be uncomfortable together than 2 boys.

You're in your head worrying about it. If your intentions are to truly be friends with them, you won't be worrying about it and would treat them no differently than a guy. Are you sure you aren't trying to become friends, then hoping it leads to "something more?" If that's the case, the friend route is a HORRIBLE way to go.

ts hard for me though because I'm not sure what type of girl could be my friend. I just think its a lot easier judging who I'm compatible with regarding males.

Any of them. Do all of your friends have to be exactly like you? You're judging way too quickly. Try this... go out, and just talk to some girls, without judging them. Just talk to them. See if you guys connect at all. Don't even worry about "oh hey, is this person lifelong friend material???" Just TALK. Act as if you're never going to see them again, and talk for the sake of having a good conversation (outcome dependence). When you do this and drop all of your unfueled biases against people, you'll be amazed at the type of cool people you'll meet.

Some of the most in-depth, unique, interesting girls I know... if you were to look at them you'd probably be like "oh, generic goal." I'm sure you don't want people judging everything about you and your life within a minute's time, give people the same chance.

[–]orangeapplegrape[S] -1 points0 points1 point 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]ColonelKurtzPhD 3 points4 points5 points 14 years ago (22 children) | Copy Link

[–]orangeapplegrape[S] 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (12 children) | Copy Link

[–]peut-etre 2 points3 points4 points 14 years ago* (11 children) | Copy Link

You would be surprised to learn just how many girls are into the "nerdy" things that you are. Granted, it depends on what kind of girls you tend to surround yourself with, but that's true of guys as well.

Say you start a conversation with "So, what did you get up to today/this weekend?", and she begins speaking about whatever. Talk to her about what she mentions and how it relates to you. [EX: "Oh, you rode horses on Sunday? I've never been much of a horse person, although I did try once when I was 7 at..."] Then, after that's been talked about, transition into telling her how your day/weekend was. Don't worry about them being too nerdy to talk about-- perhaps she's hiding a secret love of Magic cards or Game of Thrones or Zelda or Deadpool or.. you get the picture. Or maybe she's not! That doesn't matter a ton, I don't love everything my friends like. You two obviously have something in common if you're speaking in the first place (a class, a mutual friend, same employer, etc). Work with that initially, but show an interest in what she's interested in (even if you're not), all while expressing more about what you're interested in. You might discover awesome things that you're unaware of now or show her what she's missing in her life. Bam! Friendship.

Source of wisdom: I am a female. I have more male friends than female friends.

[–]orangeapplegrape[S] 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link

Thanks for the input! You make it seem so easy. I put another post today about how I got complimented by a girl for playing piano but I failed to have a conversation (because I'm awkward). Next time I see her i am going to try this out (I think she has the same job as me).

The problem I see happening is that she may end up being interested in talking and we may have a good conversation but it may be a one day thing. How do I keep the friendship going? I've had some conversations before but I don't know how to follow up.

Another problem is you can't really approach a group of females with the female friend (unless you know them all) as opposed to a group of males with a male friend you know without there being some awkwardness. Hence its hard to get with the person 1 on 1.

Finally, when do you exchange numbers (if ever)?

If I can fix this, my life will be a lot better. You have no idea how depressing it is to talk to only guys! Thank you!

[–]peut-etre 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

:) No worries! Some of my best friends are guys, and I my life would be much less enjoyable without having them around -- so giving you some hints to get some ladyfriends is not a problem at all.

So, how do you keep a friendship going? Well, understand that you're not going to be bffs after one conversation. Keep having nice conversations when you run into her and you'll lay the groundwork for having a good friendship later on.

The beauty of the questions that pertain to time or state is that you can ask them over and over and over and they never get old. Each time you see her, it's more than okay to ask her how her day is going, or even what she's been up to since you've seen her last. Ask her about some things that she had mentioned to you in past conversations -- did she tell you about an upcoming trip to the mountains? Ask her how that was, who she went with, does she snowboard, etc. One big part of maintaining a friendship is keeping up with the events that the other person finds important in their life. It's nice when people remember what you've said to them as it shows that you cared enough to make a mental note.

If you get to the point of asking her if she wants to hang out, in the group or just you guys, then ask for her number then. It won't be romantic-sounding if you say it in a way similar to this: "Are you going to the game later with X and Y? I was thinking of going, but I'm not sure yet. Can I grab your number so that I can find you guys if I do come?"

I think the thing is that if you really do want to only be platonic friends with a certain girl, you have to start seeing her as a person like you do your guy friends. How do you maintain those friendships?

[–]orangeapplegrape[S] 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]orangeapplegrape[S] 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link

[–]kazagistar 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

[–]orangeapplegrape[S] 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago* (4 children) | Copy Link

READ THIS

I was being somewhat sarcastic (lol). I didn't mean that I would actually want to marry them but that I might consider something a little more than friendship (The thought would at least occur). But I am still a little confused on how the "something more" route is initiated (How would you act differently)?

Ok I think this is the core problem:

I am starting to feel that my view of women is slightly messed up (due to never having female friends which was due to my parents not wanting me to have female friends when i was small and the situation getting worse through middle and high school). Therefore I can't really tell the difference between female friendship and a higher love associated with dating because I never experienced either of those sensations. Basically, almost every friendly conversation with a female gives me intensely pleasurable sensations (basically as long as she is not below average looking). Its not so much that I'm creepy or clingy but I have been denied female interaction almost my whole life so any small interaction feels good and like the best possible thing. I kind of feel like I don't deserve to talk to girls and if I do I am extremely lucky. The fact that I have a high sex drive complicates the problem even more. I actually feel terrible for feeling this way. Once I get used to casually talking with females I shouldn't have this problem I hope. I guess my goal is to get at least one female friend by the end of the year.

[–]peut-etre 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

You just really need to change your perspective from viewing women as the "other" and men as the norm. It will be healthier for all your future exchanges with women, whether they be platonic, romantic, in a work environment, with female family members, or in any other situation imaginable.

I'm not quite sure how you're going to work on this other than to try and build these relationships in real life and get to know that females are people with flaws and quirks who do amazing/boring/stupid/funny/emotional/average/wonderful/terrible things. It's a good sign that you understand that you're viewing women as "alien" and that you want to actively change this, anyways. I think you're moving in the right direction.

Working on your inner game is probably a good idea, but I'm not very familiar with what r/seduction recommends for that sort of thing. Have a look through the archives, maybe? And learn to understand that you're probably a very nice person with lots to offer your friends -- they're lucky to be speaking with and getting to know you, too!

[–]orangeapplegrape[S] 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]orangeapplegrape[S] 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link

So I woke up and read this thread again before heading out. I have a few girls in mind that I could easily engage conversation with and I think I could get them into the friend zone (because I already interacted with them). However, I realized that my applicant pool for friendship is rather small because I haven't really talked to many girls.

Basically is it appropriate to just go up and talk? Here are a few situations. How about just going up to a girl who's alone in the cafeteria and striking up conversation?

How about just talking to this girl that I always see in the library but am too shy to talk to?

How about people I see just walking around campus?

Any other good places to try?

I can't help but feel that I will embarrass the person I'm talking to or make the interaction awkward the first time I talk to them. I also don't know which ones are good to talk to (all girls seem to have the same personality to me just by looking at them).

TLDR: Where are appropriate places to start talking? Which girls should I try? I don't know how to start conversations but I know how to keep them going.

[–]thesorrow312 -2 points-1 points0 points 14 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link

[–]frogma -1 points0 points1 point 14 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link

He was probably just referring to pop psychology. "Real" psychology is just as male-centric as most other sciences.

I've had maybe 10 discussions with girls about epistemology, whereas I've had at least a hundred conversations with girls about relationship dynamics and shit like that. They both deal with psychology, but one basically requires you to have background knowledge (specifically with other philosophers) on the subject, and the other just requires you to be somewhat imaginative. That's probably what Hurtz was talking about.

With most girls, I'd look like a fool if I mentioned Kant or Leibniz, or even if I mentioned some of Freud's basic shit (even though everyone knows who he is). Whereas if I just said "What are your thoughts on life after death?" I'd get a ton of really complex opinions from different people- many of whom basically have no idea what they're talking about, and can't back it up by pointing to any specific person and agreeing with them.

[–]thesorrow312 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link

[–]xvic1 points 14 years ago [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link

I know what you mean about talking to girls about these tough subjects.

... as a woman who prefers the friendship of men over most women, and desperately longs for friends with which to have "deep" conversations while not completely stoned... I am offended. OK not offended, but kinda irked. Many men don't care about these topics either. It seems like you have (too) many preconceived notions about how a woman will act or react instead of considering different personalities.

I freaked the shit out of a lot of men while discussing biology/philosophy/religion. I made one cry once. Women are pressured to seem "not too intelligent;" infantile mentality is sexualized in women and to be more intelligent than a man is often perceived as threatening (or at least intimidating). That alone deters most, but if you do have strong convictions as a woman, you're often just seen as a bitch or a dyke. :)

BTW, I read this entire thread while replacing all references to "females"/"women"/"girls" with "negros" in my head... it's hilarious.
whatyearisit.jpg ... feels like the 1960's either way.

[–]thesorrow312 1 point2 points3 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]frogma -2 points-1 points0 points 14 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

Psych and philosophy are largely the same IMO, especially since some of the classic guys fill both roles. I can think of Freud as a bit of an idiot in terms of what I now know about psychology, or I can value most of his opinions based on what I know about philosophy. And he's said many things that can be evaluated from both perspectives (and the same holds true for basically any psychologist/philosopher). As far as I know, they're both almost interchangeable for the most part- the only difference is that psychology is more directly related to science (certain treatments, drugs, and shit like that are all based on the science of it).

As far as advanced classes though, I don't have too much experience. I took a few psych classes, but I don't remember learning anything about Piaget or Russel. Actually now that I mention them both, I recall their names, but can't remember anything specific about them.

For philosophy, obviously I remember Kant and some of the other "innovators," but again, I couldn't really go into detail about any of them without first checking them out on wikipedia before saying anything definitive.

Just basing this off my own experiences and shit- I've mostly been taking political science classes because I want to be a lawyer, but I've also made sure to take a number of psychology, philosophy, and literature classes. I think they're all pretty closely related (we'd be talking about Skinner/Jung/Pavlov and then they'd get mentioned in every single one of my classes that day. Psych, Philo, PolySci, and Lit). Same shit happened multiple times with other lesser-known guys. It was weird because it happened pretty often. And it was especially weird because I knew for a fact that most of my professors didn't interact with each other.

I know what you mean about talking to girls about these tough subjects. I like to talk about religion (anti theism), politics, world news, and philosophical topics, and you can just tell how it doesn't work. If I ever find a girl that enjoys the same conversations as I do, I'll put a ring on her finger.

Yeah, that shit doesn't work. Don't ever talk about religion or politics if you can avoid it- whether it's with girls or guys. What you can do though is ask her how she feels about certain topics (like "belief in a higher power," or "Where she leans" politically). Just ask a general question about that shit, let her answer, and then basically you want to mainly support her answer but then also bring up some "innocent," factual points that might make her question her position. The main point is that you don't want to argue, but you also want to see if she has an open mind and can see things from a different perspective. IMO, if she can't do that, don't ever plan on spending more than a few nights with her.

[–]thesorrow312 -1 points0 points1 point 14 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]frogma -1 points0 points1 point 14 years ago* (0 children) | Copy Link

I took a "persuasion" class that was like what you're talking about. We started with Cialdini and then got into some really deep shit (mostly about how frats influence people- I was in a frat, so I knew that first-hand and automatically disagreed with a lot of the points the professor was trying to make- our frat was smaller and didn't do much of the "physical" hazing that other frats did- but it was a pretty cool class overall).

In general though, don't just think about how girls react to that shit. Virtually everyone who gets involved in a convo about subjective/debatable shit is gonna end up disagreeing with you about a bunch of different things. And that's why you basically shouldn't ever talk about those things unless you either know the girl agrees with you, or you present it in a way that doesn't really allow for agreement/disagreement. Same thing applies to guys too- the main difference is that you hardly ever give a shit about what guys think of you, so you're more willing to openly debate that shit and defend your position. Try that with a member of the opposite sex (especially in a bar/party situation), and you're probably just gonna turn them off.

Edit: Unless you're in the right situation. I mostly just tease girls and purposely disagree with them about shit because it builds a ton of attraction. So when the timing's right, I do bring up political/religious shit to purposefully disagree with them and tease them about it. It really depends on the context though, and most guys simply can't handle that sort of situation.

[–]ColonelKurtzPhD 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]Wavedasher 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]orangeapplegrape[S] 0 points1 point2 points 14 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link