I was on a camping holiday. Next to me two girls freshly arrived. They were smiling at me. I took the courage and talked to one of them. She was staring deep into my eyes and was enthusiastic. Then her friend came over. I gave them some info about the place. I told them I wanted to sleep because I was tired. They told me we would talk tomorrow. I felt an urge to ask for their instagram/phone, but I stopped myself. I thought I would be overstepping a boundary. In fact I felt a little guilty for talking to them. I looked around nervously. A woman had her back turned to us and held a dissapproving face.

The next morning I saw what looked like men's footwear near her tent. I started making catastrophic scenarios. He friend woke up first. I said good morning. She seemed a little grumpy, but later she smiled at me. I thought of approaching her to start a convo but I didn't want to be bothersome.

I left but I saw the girls again at the beach. They were talking to people and I felt like I had missed my chance forever. I felt so bad, I almost cried. I isolated myself.

At night I wanted to take a shower and go to the bars. I took a shower and fell face down on my mattress. I heard the girls talking outside my tent. They walked over to the entrance, probably thought I was sleeping, and they left.

I could have talked to them. I could have gotten up and got dressed. But I chose to hide. Like a little kid that hides under the bed until his parents say they're sorry. Somehow I felt they had hurt me.

The next morning I packed my things and left. I felt bitter.

To my surprrise the girl was waiting for me in the middle of the street. She stopped me and asked me if I had fun. I said I had some fun and I'll have more in the future.

My opportunity for fun and love was right there. Why did I leave? Why was I so scared to become happy? I believe all the catastrophising and the easy dissappointment were the product of anxiety. Anxiety about the whole process of romance. Maybe an ingrained fear I will disappoint sexually and be rejected/abandoned.

There was no more fun in my future. Only pain.