...I'm not entirely sure why I'm choosing to write this here and now, and to you Seddit folk in particular. Maybe it's because I need to get some things off my chest. Maybe it's because I feel certain aspects of my own personal journey might serve as some inspiration to others. Maybe I feel the need to relate to some people who I think might understand me. I'm not entirely sure. I suppose the reasons are complex. I've never posted here before, but I've lurked for a while, and I've been interested in the seduction community for a good deal longer than that. I'm thirty years old. I got up to write this after coming home and laying on my bed crying. Here, Dear Seddit, is a life report.

I wasn't crying for the reasons you might be thinking. And I would also like to preface what follows by saying that I realise that in many ways, if not most ways, I am incredibly fortunate to be doing what I'm doing and I am grateful for what I do have. Nevertheless, my story is my story, and I would like to tell it my way. I've spent the last 10+ years in academia and I'm currently trying to finish a Ph.D. I'm in debt, I have no assets to speak of whatsoever, and my sense of self-worth has taken a real nose dive. I'll try not to bore you with the details, but doing a doctorate in anything can be quite an isolating, soul-crushing experience and the closer you get to the finish line, the harder it gets psychologically. Particularly so if you're in a scientific discipline and have been nurturing a healthy skeptical, question-everything world-view. Inevitably you starting questioning yourself too. And you can end up sacrificing a lot on such a life-path. Relationships. Family time. Life skills. Earning potential. I've got a fairly extensive internal list. Again, I won't bore you with those details. The one thing I haven't really sacrificed over the years though, is the game.

I guess I always treated the game and going out in general as an escape. I've often felt like I've been leading a double life really. Ph.D: isolating, insular, inspiring... but in a way that is difficult to relate to most people. The PUA world: social, liberating, inspiring... but in a way that intrinsically begets relating to most people. And in this alternate universe, I guess I haven't done so badly. I'm a bald, average looking guy, but I've dated 7's, 8's, maybe even 9's depending on what kind of scale you're using, but we'll come back to that. I've had a threesome. I get make-outs almost every weekend or second weekend. In the last 2 months or so I've had an 8.8 ask me out, a 7 ask me out, and I've gone abroad for a friend's wedding and slept with the 7.7 bridesmaid, who I've since gone on to have a more extensive romance with. Let me know if you would like me to elaborate on any of those stories. But this double-life that I've been leading has had its trappings also. I would say, for instance, that in recent times, I've developed a bit of an alcohol problem. Because I've been using night life as an escape of sorts, I've had a tendency to cut loose a little too much recently which has lead to some problems. For example, on Friday night, I drunkenly took a fall and ended up smacking my face off some concrete and woke up the next day looking like a boxer and feeling worse. There is a reason why I bring all of this up though.

The following Saturday, my friend was having a house party. After nursing my hangover and eying up the boxer in the mirror and wanting to punch him up even more for being such an idiot, even though I thoroughly craved for a giant hole in the ground to open and swallow me up- that evening I made a conscious decision that it would be better for me to be amongst friends. To perhaps remind myself that even though I've been- at least in my own eyes- down on my luck of late, it is far from the end of the world- so I decided to head along to the house party, warts and all. And do you know what happened? I just let go of my shame about the facial wounds, turned it into a fun story, let my social confidence shine through, drank lemonade, and ended up taking a girl I'd never met before back to her hotel room that night.

Guys, what I'm trying to say here is... sometimes it can feel like your life is caving in around you. Sometimes you can feel like the most worthless person in the world. Like you're not good enough at life. You might not have money. Or a job. Or a car. Or whatever. You might have a whole array of personal problems that are driving you to the point of despair. To the point of shedding tears into your pillow. But gentlemen, let me assure you of something. That doesn't mean that you can't turn it all on a dime and let the rockstar in you shine through if you want to. At any given moment. And to all those guys out there who have their shit together on a personal level, but who aren't doing so well with the ladies, I would like to say this: guys, from the bottom of my heart, I really admire you. You're doing things in your lives that I've been finding difficult to get a grip on lately. Don't think for one second that you can't develop this other side of you too. I did. I'm no natural. I was the uber-nerd in school. I've had to put a lot of work into turning that around, but I did. And I would still say I have a long way to go before I'd consider myself to be really good at this. But I know I do a lot better than your average guy these days. And you can too if you want to.

There are a lot of things I would like to change in my world right now and I plan on persevering. Someday I would like to have my life together to the point where I feel fully confident that I have something that is worth inviting beautiful women into. Where I have a certain amount of control over things and I've created my own happiness that I want to share. I'm not quite at that point yet, and I've been leading a fairly listless, chaotic existence, both with women and otherwise. But I'll get there, I hope. And there are plenty of lessons along the way I guess.

And one more thing before I go. To any women who might be reading this. You're all beautiful. That doesn't get said enough I think. I know guys in the community bandy about cold beauty ratings like there's some sort of value in the numbers. There isn't really. I recall one summer romance I had with this girl a few years ago. Her previous boyfriend had broken up with her because he said she was too fat. And she was a bit overweight. But I didn't really care about that. I thought she was pretty. And more importantly, she had this insane energy and lust for life that she seemed hell-bent on infecting all those around her with. That was some attractive shit. She recently posted some FB pics after evidently having gone through some mad gym-hitting process and she now looks like surfer-girl from Californication. Bravo I say. She's an inspiration to me and I'm sure plenty of others.

Anyway folks, it's late and I'm tired. Sorry for the wall-of-text. I hope at least some of it was worth reading. And thank you for giving me a place to post all this. It was quite cathartic. If you would like to ask me about any specifics, feel free.

Peace out Seddit! :)