Maybe you don't really have a problem

Worlowt · 2020-10-27T08:41:59+00:00

Most of my issues with dating is coming from a place of self hatred, i often find myself not thinking I’m attractive for anyone even though people have told me I am. My social skills were pretty poor but I’ve improved them a lot over the past few years, I can’t seem to stop picking things out about my face I don’t like and making them a bigger deal then they really are.

greatlifeahead · 2020-10-27T19:42:58+00:00

Most of the single guys are in mental prison they have locked themself in. You think that you aren't good enough and there is something wrong with you and women pick that up in your behaviour and they reject you. You get stuck in crying after women that rejected you instead of moving on. You think that you will never find someone and things will never be different so you create feelings for women who don't want you and you don't do the work and approach women and try to meet new people. So you will never find someone who would actually like you back

It is all in your head and you can leave your mental prison whenever you want to. The door isn't locked and the bars aren't real.

TheDevilPutD · 2020-10-27T15:33:33+00:00

You’re describing me basically word for word.

I am also your typical avoidant. I keep people at arms length and don’t form interpersonal relationships. As a result I have no friends and no experience with the opposite sex.

Very refreshing to see that I’m not the only one who is focused on fixing my problems 24/7. I mean it feels like every waking moment I’m working on fixing my problems, and I can’t ever find a way to let go

Son_of_Ibadan · 2020-10-27T16:59:48+00:00

So fucking true!!! For example sometimes we think we lack charisma but really and truly we just havent gotten the opportunity to be charismatic or if we did we prevent ourselves from being charismatic!! Its all in our head!! We are our own worst enemy if we give into negative talk. Thanks for the reminder!!

wirelezz · 2020-10-27T18:36:10+00:00

I just have to say that I agree with the implications of using the word "problems", as it can negatively impact your self.

But I do think you can turn it around and call it "improvement". You don't have problems, but things you have to work on or improve.

Yes, look in the mirror and acknowledge that you're great! You're (hopefully) healthy and with lots of goals in life. Recognize you're awesome and just need a bit of tweaking.

TheDevilPutD · 2020-10-27T10:04:19+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Redditorsheaven · 2020-10-27T11:56:14+00:00

Great points and I relate this to the problems that were mentioned in Eckhart Tolle’s book ‘Power of Now’. If you want to improve on this aspect, you should definitely give it a try.

MuttsNStuff · 2020-10-27T17:24:13+00:00

Somebody give this man a medal.

LordKitan · 2020-10-27T20:01:10+00:00

One of the things I thought about myself was that I didn’t know/forgot how to talk to people, when before that mindset even occurred, I was the class clown in every grade from pre-school to elementary school. Some time this year, post-college, I realized that I’m actually great at making conversation. It’s just that I get in my head so much that I’d convinced myself otherwise.

I still do get in my head, and I still talk myself out of things (such as putting myself out there with dating), but I also know that a lot of my doubts are founded only in fear. Conquering fear of the unknown is the big hurdle in my life now.

2020-10-28T04:57:36+00:00

Took me a long time to realise this but it's so freeing when you do. I always used to look at myself as that person that had had issues socialising and I was weird because I couldn't. Now I realise it's because I don't like socialising, I'd much rather sit at home and I'm happy with that. It's nice to think to yourself that there really is no "normal" sure there's majorities in most things but that still doesn't make them what you have to be. You are you and you should just be you, you don't have a problem because you're not like the majority.

theforgeproject · 2020-10-28T05:19:04+00:00

I don’t think you’ve actually done much other than mask one poor behavior with another.

Change comes from self love. Self love is looking in the mirror and saying “you’re a sexy mutha fucka. I love me”. When you give a shit about yourself and believe in yourself, that’s when change can take place. Your efforts failed bc the foundation of self value is weak.

You just beat yourself up bc you don’t have self value. So instead of doing what you know needed doing you’d ignore it. Which in turn would make you feel guilty which would allow you to beat yourself up again. Round and round it went. You got to a point of pain that required you to make a decision. But instead of choosing the difficult path of self improvement you merely threw on another layer of paint that said “I’m fine just the way I am”. But I know you’re not. And you know you’re not.

Want to know how I know?

Because if you truly felt at peace with yourself nobody would hear about it. It’s only in uncertainty that one will take an idea, a philosophy or a belief and bring it to a public forum. Those that agree strengthen the wavering confidence. Those that oppose it (like me) strengthen its resolve. Unless you set aside your ego and realize what I’m telling you is true.

VDKay · 2020-10-27T18:22:41+00:00

Some "problems" are "problems" no matter how you see them. It does not take a scientist to draw some correlation between "success" and e.g. height or X facial features or disability. These will always matter and, if you are lacking in those areas, you need to either fix them, or accept that they will always be a problem that will come up constantly and thus, inadvertently, narrow down your dating pool.

One important step however is to be able to get some objective view on these as it will help identify them better and be able to gauge their true impact. Having honest and supportive friends or good mentors can help tremendously here, but the best statistical feedback is collected by going out and trying out stuff yourself in a trial-and-error manner.

usedtimecapsule · 2020-10-27T20:38:29+00:00

This line of thinking is dangerous because most people will never take fault then

ReditGuyToo · 2020-10-27T21:25:46+00:00

I like this a lot.

For years, women, therapists, the cops, and the law have been insisting I have X, Y, and Z issues. Maybe I'm not the one with the problem. Maybe society has the problem. After all, the heart wants what the heart wants.

Da_Famous_Anus · 2020-10-27T19:53:31+00:00

Yes and yet ironically this is in itself the problem.

jose3013 · 2020-10-27T20:09:21+00:00

Thanks for the message, I needed it. I've always done the same thing, and yeah, it's an ever ending cycle of "trying to be better" and always failing, when sometimes your problems are just that you are different, not broken. I'd give you a gold award if I had one.

Th3asshole · 2020-10-27T21:38:22+00:00

Lol it’s never been my personality, just my height (no this is not your cue to type in some anecdotal bullshit)

Ashwin89 · 2020-10-27T22:02:08+00:00

Very well put.

For TL;DR: Maybe you haven't really given yourself a chance for the other person to know what's interesting about you. Maybe it's all in your head. So, stop complaining and start acting.

2020-11-13T14:46:47+00:00

This

Title	Maybe you don't really have a problem
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	391
Comments	55
Date	October 27, 2020 7:44 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/jiwvm5/maybe_you_dont_really_have_a_problem/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/maybe-you-dont-really-have-a-problem.1504680 https://theredarchive.com/post/1504680

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