My cousin has serious problems interacting with women, please help me help him.

ThrowawayPUA · 2015-10-13T02:49:05+00:00

Did he ask you for help? That is the prerequisite for giving any effective help.

vipernova · 2015-10-13T14:20:33+00:00

This is my first post. There are plenty of great replies already; but twenty-three is the age when when I first held hands with a girl.

The most important part has already been said. Your cousin has to decide. When I first held hands with a girl, I hadn't decided, yet. It was just dumb luck at some drunken New Years party.

I'm twenty-six now and it's hard for me to conceive where I was for twenty-three years of my life. Two pieces of advise I would give your cousin and myself, back then: (1) be fearless (2) everything is a skill that can be learned.

Being fearless is the decision that your cousin has to make. It's simply the realization that where you are is not enough for the life you want and you are willing to risk your current life for a chance at something better. It's not a decision anyone can make for you.

MJ truly believed that he would make every shot. His self-concept in basketball was as high as it gets. He had put in the hours, he had studied the theory, he knew he was the shit at basketball. If you ask MJ to build a house, his self-concept is low. He has never done it before. If your cousin plays a video game and dies on the first level, he doesn't hang his head, cry, and vow never to play video games again. He knows if he keeps playing, soon he will be able to beat that level with his eyes closed. The same is true with everything in life including attracting and interacting with the opposite sex.

I understand where you come from. The hardest thing is watching someone you love struggle over something only they have the power to change. Best of luck to you and him.

-Nova

FantasyDuellist · 2015-10-13T04:28:04+00:00

He just needs to go out there and do it. That's the only way to get skills.

There are 2 choices:

1. Never talk to a girl and die.

2. Talk to girls and, through a painstaking process of trial and error, learn to interact with them emotionally, eventually developing a relationship or some casual sexy fun times.

That's it. At this point telling him he's hot isn't going to do anything and he probably just convinces himself he's uglier in defense. It doesn't matter though because ugly guys get chicks.

If they go out and do it.

He just has to go out and do it.

tl;dr Go, do.

renovatio93 · 2015-10-13T04:08:50+00:00

He needs a girl who will lead him through that insecurity and shyness. These guys are generally drawn to the "manic pixie dream girl" type from what I noticed. He has to be shown that he can be liked/sexed by a girl in the first place before he starts trying. Im sure hes tried before and been rejected, but hes never been "accepted". He needs to be "accepted" first so he doesnt feel like a hopeless alien. I dont think theres much you can do as a friend except maybe set him up with someone you know that might be interested. Im guessing he prefers dating/a relationship to hooking up?

ulqimate · 2015-10-13T06:31:47+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Chaseshaw · 2015-10-13T12:29:40+00:00

I know this'll be earth-shattering to all the players of "the game" here in this sub, but I never really became interested in dating until about three years after college.

It's possible he's fine and it's the people convinced he's not that need to get over it.

Some people are late bloomers.

throwaway233x · 2015-10-13T18:07:33+00:00

Holy Shit this hits close to home. Created a throwaway just to comment on this.

I am EXACTLY like this guy, except I'm 21. We probably have very similar psychological profiles.

I have all the same issues. Successful in school, gym, hobbies, etc but I have no confidence when it comes to dating. Have had low self esteem most of my life and like this guy, I can never convince myself I'm "enough" and can always come up with a host of reasons why girls don't like me/why I'm not desirable. Also like this guy, I have some hobbies (video games, archery, obscure taste in music) that I consider dorky and unattractive to girls.

Most of all though, I have intense anxiety about approaching and flirting with women. I am a virgin and my inexperience just adds to the huge list of reasons why I feel like I'm not good enough. Cold approach scares me half to death and almost gives me an anxiety attack. Logically I know that making mistakes is the only way to learn, but theres some part of me that just freaks out and I can't seem to get rid of the anxiety response.

All of this combines so that most of the time I avoid actively trying to pursue women because of the anxiety it creates for me. Like this guy, I'll even ignore when women show interest in me and cockblock myself almost unconsciously.

Sometimes I think these issues are too much and I'm too mentally fucked up to ever get a girl. It's made me hate myself, think about suicide many times and has contributed to some severe depression in the past.

Anyway, the point of me writing this is not to get you to feel sorry for me, but to ask for help. I know that the only way any of this is going to change is if I personally try and do something about it. No one will do it for me.

I'd love to hear from anyone who has been through something similar (or knows someone who has) and has successfully overcome these issues and became good with women. I need to convince myself that it is indeed possible to fix all these issues/negative thinking and attract women.

Yoko9021Ono · 2015-10-13T05:15:28+00:00

He seems to have a proud opinion of himself and what he's accomplished

What does this mean exactly? There is a huge difference between pride and confidence. One is very off-putting amd the other is very appealling, there is a fine line.

Additionally, he might consider trying to find women specifically into his interests. Being a big "movie nerd" can be hard for someone with different interests to relate to, especially if that's his only/primary interest (as your post seems to indicate).

He should work on diversifying his interests or otherwise focus solely on women interested in his very specific hobby.

cateater · 2015-10-13T16:23:56+00:00

Obviously he has low self-esteem and thinks his needs aren't important or that he doesn't deserve to get his needs fulfilled. Many people do not get a lot of love and attention and care as a child, so they think they must achieve lots of things in life and please others in order to be loved. They don't grow up with the healthy experience of getting their intimacy needs fulfilled, just like other human needs like food, safety, education, etc. Assuming you were not homeless or something in childhood, do you ever think "Oh I don't deserve nutrition or I don't deserve being able to read"? No, because you had those needs met. But if you never got a lot of intimacy/love, you would think it's something really unique which only a few can earn.

It sounds like your cousin gets all his validation and sense of importance from being accomplished, successful, having a good body, etc. But the thing with stuff like success and working out is that one always feels it's not enough. "I am now earning this much, but next year I must earn 30% more; I can bench press 200 pounds, I need to reach 250 in one month". One needs to realize that a person is not just his/her accomplishments. He is a multi-faceted person who, like other people, deserves and can find a loving partner.

I used to only hang out with guy friends too. and they would wonder why I never talked about approaching girls and at one point, they even thought I might be gay. But the real reason was I thought no nice girl would be even remotely interested in someone like me. So what's the point in even expressing my interest or attraction? And it was true. I was really socially dysfunctional.

I am a lot like what your cousin sounds like - almost same age too. I started going to the gym two-three years ago, and become quite better looking and better dressed. And I travelled to Europe a few times and stayed at hostels and met many people, including many great girls. Many of them found me attractive and came on dates with me. But I had like no personality and no self-confidence, and they would always reject after the 1st or 2nd date.

The lesson here is that just getting a good physique won't make you better with women. Make your cousin start hobbies or classes which involved women too, like salsa dancing, yoga classes, movie clubs, language learning, etc.

Oh, and make your cousin read the book "No More Mr Nice Guy". All that I wrote in the first two paragraphs, I realized those things about myself from reading that book.

DonDadaMAN · 2015-10-13T05:35:02+00:00

He should stop fapping. He doesn't bother with real girls cause he has got all of them on his computer screen. Take away the fapping and he will gain confidence and the willpower to change his life.

2015-10-13T04:18:45+00:00

I used to have this fear, probably not as bad as it sounds with him tho. I suggest pushing him to face his fear. Bring your friends around or go out with him and talk to chicks with him around. When i'm in a group situation with girls around, i'm often very quiet at the start but will open up. This problem isn't uncommon in guys his age, he needs to come to the realization that (most) girls won't bite.

spacetimebear · 2015-10-13T07:42:02+00:00

It could be a confidence issue but given that he works out a bit and has a fairly confidence boosting job that would be a bit different think its cos he's hiddenly putting women on a pedestal. He needs to understand that talking to a woman isnt some kind of sacred ritual. I think ypu need to help him realize this, but also make him realize that if he doesnt ever try then he'll never get a girl. Could try something like likening it to his work; when he gets a difficult role etc does he just back down from it or does he take a deep breath then just go for it. If the later then thats the approach he needs to take when talking to women.

Its kind ofba difficult situation to try and help with as with an outgoing job and the gym you would have thought he'd be fairly confident. Could be some sort of underlying anxiety issue?

Andreasp88 · 2015-10-13T10:07:31+00:00

You should see if he wants to go bowling.

SmoothPrimal · 2015-10-13T10:53:30+00:00

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped and the best way to tell someone needs help if they actively ask for one.

Ministryofattraction · 2015-10-13T11:16:05+00:00

What are his past experiences with women? I know you said he's never held hands before, but has he maybe made an attempt to speak to a girl and gotten a very bad rejection? Maybe that's the reference experience he's holding on to?

Or is he like this without any negative experiences?

JESSEgaron · 2015-10-13T12:43:17+00:00

One is "Go Out To Destroy All Women Afore They will Destroy You,Bruv!! Samson et Dalila/ Cleopatra/Liz Taylor on Burton:just wrecked him..

Or not.......... Good luck m8

Ecstatic_Adam · 2015-10-13T06:57:14+00:00

I'd try to expose him to success stories and professionals in the field. It will allow him to understand what the possibilities are and give some solidity to the idea of being a ladies' man. Real Social Dynamics is a good place to go if you want to see some unbelievable social manipulations on video. I'd also recommend showing him the beginner pick up artist book "The Game." It is well written and interesting, as well as very informative. That is how I got into pickup. It taught me the beginning principles of game and built a solid foundation for the skills I was to develop over time.

Jacob_961 · 2015-10-13T13:51:17+00:00

Being a 23 y/o virgin is tough. This is coming from a guy who broke free at 25. Trust me, I know what I am talking about. The best thing you can do for him is set him up on dates with women and make sure the date involves something physical. Double date with your boyfriend then go to a bar/club. Get him to drink and loosen up because I promise you if he goes on a generic dinner/coffee date, he will become the friend. He seems like a decent guy and should not be too socially akward. Advice will not help him.

Hularula · 2015-10-13T14:53:26+00:00

he's definitely not gay, I thoroughly checked

wot?

nick_storm · 2015-10-13T15:57:59+00:00

Have you tried playing matchmaker? Surely, as a woman, you know someone. Find a confident woman willing to make a lot of the initiative that he's too afraid to make, and she'll warm him up and bring him out of his shell in due time.

DuDota · 2015-10-13T04:01:25+00:00

Hey u can help him very easily just make sex and build some type of relationship, this will solve his problems with self esteem.

Seems like he think because he never get laid when young he can't do this now because he will be worse than he's suppose to be.

WayOfTheGentleman · 2015-10-13T06:32:26+00:00

This is something I regularly coach guys through. The problem you have, as others have suggested is that he doesn't seem ready to ask for help.

He just seems to be defeatist and if anything wants sympathy for his situation, rather than a solution.

If you can make him see that he can improve his results but only if he's willing to, that's the start he needs. Until he reaches the point of willingness, nothing will happen.

landophett · 2015-10-13T07:07:04+00:00

I think he needs to realize that looks don't really matter but they only way he's gonna learn that is from a lot of self esteem boosting and confidence building. You could point him towards the seduction community I know that a lot of books people suggest on here helped me a lot. But also just point him towards resources on building self esteem and confidence. There's a lot of books, and meditation guides and videos and stuff that he could learn from but that's just the tip of the ice berg but I think it'll help him get the ball rolling. Also I think he sounds like a super interesting dude and I know girls would love to talk to him about it if he was truly passionate

TrusssMiDaddi · 2015-10-13T08:29:00+00:00

Your cousins a beta and has no confidence. His self esteem is shit why would girls be attracted to that. His life sounds pretty interesting tell him to fucken own the voice acting thing. I could already think of some cool shit that I could say to women if I was a voice actor.

palmerd21 · 2015-10-13T05:39:40+00:00

You need to show him rsd on YouTube. Whether he watches the videos or not is his choice.

ulqimate · 2015-10-13T04:47:43+00:00

He's 23. At this point it seems like he should get a counselor.

Are you positive he doesn't have some type of social anxiety disorder?

Title	My cousin has serious problems interacting with women, please help me help him.
Author	ulqimate
Upvotes	91
Comments	73
Date	October 13, 2015 2:44 AM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/3ojb45/my_cousin_has_serious_problems_interacting_with/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/my-cousin-has-serious-problems-interacting-with.1395845 https://theredarchive.com/post/1395845

Comments