Advice needed on how to respond ?

Lumptbuttcat · 2024-04-13T13:40:46+00:00

As you progress through all of this, you will get better at “reading between the lines”.

In marriage, couples support each other emotionally throughout the parenting process. There are things you do, or things that happen that are tough as part of the parenting process. Married couples support each other. Unfortunately, when you co-parent, you are no longer a couple. That emotional support is no longer part of the deal.

So let’s be real. Your child asking her that question must have stung like hell. Her decision, her guilt. She is looking for any comment that makes her feel better. This message is nothing more than baiting you into a dialog. Don’t bite. When I say make her feel better, it starts with phishing for positive comments. When she gets none, she figures out how to start fight to justify divorce. It’s sick but real.

Response “Ok, never discussed.”.

As a side. Shitty, answer that displays typical lack of accountability. No way a 4 year old can distinguish “best friends” and love. Accountable answer is “Not all parents are married. Mommy and Daddy aren’t married. I chose to live by myself”.

captainchippsixx · 2024-04-13T13:30:08+00:00

Best friends ha right!

I lean towards a meeting with counselor/dr - or research the opinion from them on the web or books.

My kids are teens and they really haven’t asked me what really happened. And I’m nervous to tell them my version because my ex is a shit show as a wife, good mom. They tend to report back to her as well. I like avoiding drama.

DivorceTA1988 · 2024-04-13T01:52:12+00:00

Yeah I get you’re probably bristling at “best friends” but this is a good age appropriate answer. Your kid is 4. If you haven’t written back yet I think something like “Honestly he hasn’t brought it up so I haven’t said anything but I will reinforce this message if he does.”

You definitely don’t want to bad mouth her and since your kid is so young they are a long way off from any sort of adult understanding of the situation. Maybe he’ll get the details someday, maybe he won’t but don’t worry about that now.

kublakhan1816 · 2024-04-12T21:41:24+00:00

Your marriage may be over but you will need to coparent which does usually mean you are aligned on child rearing. It’s called co-parenting.

Any-Dare-7261 · 2024-04-12T18:41:53+00:00

My son and daughter “wanted their family back for Christmas” during the separation. I told them this

You’ll always have your family but your mom and dad are going to live in different houses. Just because we don’t love each other anymore, I will never stop loving you. It isn’t your fault, it isn’t your job to fix it and I’m sorry I couldn’t stop this. It wasn’t my decision.

I know you aren’t supposed to bad mouth your ex because it hurts the kids. They love both of their parents. I messed up when I said, “this wasn’t my decision” and implied their mother is at fault. Sometimes waiting and saying nothing might be best.

dday_throwaway3 · 2024-04-12T12:19:00+00:00

You need to have an age appropriate conversation with your kid. When my kids were 7 and 11, this is what I told them:

We will still be a family, but not all families live together. We loved each other very much in the beginning and wanted to make our family always be together. But we were wrong. We’ve made some mistakes and haven’t treated each other the right way. We’re going to live in different houses. And we think we’ll be better parents because then you won’t have to hear us arguing with each other.
You didn't cause the divorce. There is nothing to you can do to make it better. Parents don't fall out of love with their kids, like they can with a spouse. Your dad will always be your dad. Your mom will always be your mom. There is nothing you can do to make me stop being your dad, or to make your mom stop being your mom. We will love you forever and always. We just won't be doing it in the same house. Though we'll be living apart, we’ll still take care of you together.

Kwen_Oellogg · 2024-04-12T08:25:20+00:00

For now, just respond in a similar manner to your son as your wife.

I can tell you from my own personal experience, that when I was 13 I started asking my mother detailed questions as to why she was divorced from my father. It didn't take me long to figure out that it was all my mom.

So for now, just be a good father.

Title	Advice needed on how to respond ?
Author	Miserable_Ad_1172
Upvotes	7
Comments	12
Date	April 12, 2024 7:29 AM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1c233vm/advice_needed_on_how_to_respond/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/advice-needed-on-how-to-respond.1514840 https://theredarchive.com/post/1514840

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