Being ok with your single status

This one's gonna be long, I apologize in advance if it's too much, especially coming from someone who's a new member.

I base this on my personal experience, because going through the process described below was somewhat of a catharsis for me, and it really did change my love life for the better.

I think we've all heard stuff like "it's better to be single than in a bad relationship" but I think many people don't truly experience it on a deep level. Also, I know that so many young women and girls are haunted by fears for growing old alone, and this, as counter-intuitive as it may sound, is advice that is tailored particularly for them.

So, what I'll describe here is somewhat of a "step-by-step guide" on how to make peace with your single status and embrace it fully.

Step 1: Accept the possibility of growing old alone (if you're looking for love, this is the hardest step)

I know it may sound awful to many ladies out there (especially those who are attempting to stop being a pick me) but this is extremely important. Just sit down with yourself, and imagine your future life without love. And notice all the feelings that come to you. Anger, fear, despair, loneliness, sadness, whatever... imagine yourself getting older and older, imagine your friends and relatives living their family lifestyles while you're alone, imagine not fulfilling any dreams you had of a family, a loving marriage etc, imagine growing old and looking back on what may seem as a life that wasn't lived to the fullest, dying alone... and notice how it makes your feel. And not just let those feelings flow! Face them, experience them, let them flood you! If you feel like crying - even better, cry your heart out!

While this may seem as masochism at this point, it's not - it's about facing your negative emotions linked to the single status. And it's important to do this because it's by running away from these feelings that you run into the arms of low value men who hurt you and/or only want to use you. Look around, most (if not all) bad relationships you've had, and others around you have had, probably come down to fear of being lonely. However, if you learn how to face these feelings, as awful as they may be, at least they won't be haunting you and trapping you with low value men.

Step 2: Plan your life as a single woman

If it's gonna be just you by yourself for the rest of your life, you better make sure it's a life spent in good company. And this step may also carry some not so easy to swallow pills.

Realistically asses all the downsides of being single for a long time (or forever). Now, this list of downsides probably differs from person to person, and the most important thing is to not lie to yourself. If needed, compile a list of all the things that would bother you, and work on accepting them. Acceptance doesn't mean that "you love it" or that "you don't care about it at all". No, you may very well hate it and care about it a lot - but if you accept it, it means that you are aware that it is what it is, and you have made peace with it.

Also, be aware of one thing: fact is, as a single woman past a certain age, you're going to be under the public eye way more than you would be as a man, especially if you're the last one single in your group of friends (though truth be told I don't think that single men past a certain age are left alone by people around them either) and it's possible that some nosy person may ask you something insensitive, or make a comment about something that you find particularly hurtful.

For instance, a thing that I found to be perceived as unpleasant by many single women - how will you react when they ask you when do you plan on getting married/having kids? Not saying you have to do it like I did, but my personal strategy here was to say something like "never, I'm gonna be an old maid" or something else that sends a clear message that using a bad label on me will not result in them dominating the conversation. The main point is - don't dread some bad label assigned by society, because that gives too much leverage to these nosy morons who think your relationship status is somehow their business; whatever the "bad scary thing" they'd throw at me was, I'd amplify it and laugh it off.

You can find other ways to deal with such questions and comments, but be aware that this will happen and work on it not letting it get to you.

Now, is it ok that some people think they have the right to meddle like that? No, definitely not. But they'll meddle anyway, and more often then not, the best medicine against idiocy is to depolarize it by laughing it off. Maybe they'll learn once enough single women start ridiculing their "concerns". But for the time being, it is what it is. It's likely that you'll either get asked unpleasant questions, or hear rude comments behind your back, especially if you live in a more conservative environment. Even if these remarks are about things you're bothered by, it sure as hell doesn't mean that they should derail you from your normal mood and ruin your day. Be honest and 100% authentic with yourself. Discuss what hurts you with yourself first, accept it and make peace with it, so that others who attempt to discuss it don't hurt you nor disturb your inner peace.

Inner peace - another big thing that belongs in this step. It's important (I'd dare say crucial) to include it in your plan for your single life. Striving for inner peace is probably one of the best forms of self care. Your thoughts and inner monologues matter, so make sure they're bringing you peace and harmony. Don't force peace on yourself though, and if you have unresolved trauma or depression that you can't fight on your own, it would be a great idea to seek therapy. I would also recommend meditation (unrelated to therapy - if you have serious issues this may not be enough, especially if you're a beginner in meditation)

Now, the outer aspects of planning your life would definitely be about pursuing hobbies and activities you've always liked, reading, arts and crafts, hiking and other outdoors activities, gardening, finding a local group centered around something you're passionate about, etc... possibilities are endless and depend only on your personal preferences. Thing is, as a single woman, especially as you grow older, you will have more free time than your married friends (especially those with children) so it's important to make a plan on how to fill it. Make this extra time count, have something to show for it.

Also plan for the not so fortunate events of life - start a fund in case of an illness, decide who's gonna be your emergency contact in case of an accident etc (you know, the things that your spouse would normally help with if you were married).

Step 3: Actually spend some time single

And by single I mean "single and not looking". Build a habit of doing things that fulfill you, not necessarily things that might get you a man. Create a mental space in your mind that is devoted to things you're passionate about.

Also realize that it's ok if you get a re-lapse, find yourself particularly moody or sad because you are not in a happy relationship. Don't beat yourself up about it, it's perfectly normal to want love. The goal here is to be fine without love, not to try to convince yourself you don't need it. It's important to clarify here that I'm not saying you should prefer being single to being in a happy relationship. However, HOW you are single is pretty much the only thing you can fully control.

So, give it a try. Control how you use your single status.

It's very likely that this plan will become obsolete at this stage, because the mindset you have nurtured is by far the most guaranteed to result in attracting a happy relationship with a high value man.

Why is this important for your love life?

Because being ok with being single comes down to being wholesome and happy on your own, respecting yourself and truly loving yourself (I'm not talking about narcissistic self-obsession, which is often a mask for a lack of self love).

And when you have this mindset, you simply won't match in any way with people who treat you poorly. You'll have nothing to prove to them, you'll have better things to do with your time than to waste it on them, you wont "click" with them in any way, negative or positive. They will have nothing to bring to your life - while they'd bring a lot of very passionate negative patterns for you to live out in case you were suffering from fears and self-loathing, and trying to run away from it.

Also, remember, even if you are miserable while single, it still beats being in a miserable relationship/marriage. When you're sad about being single, you have one truly big problem - loneliness. It sucks but it's something that's up to you to manage and organize your life around it. However, if you're in a miserable relationship/marriage, here are the problems you may have to deal with: physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal and emotional abuse, manipulation, gaslighting, pathological jealousy, lying, cheating, lack of trust, threats of any kind, instability, your joy and good mood being sucked out of you on a daily basis, him not allowing you to spend time with friends and family, having to deal with his friends and family more than you may want to, anger issues, yelling and throwing things (bonus points if he does it in front of other people), making scenes, him not allowing you to work or grow professionally, him demanding/expecting that you financially support him while he does nothing... and I'm pretty sure this is not even the half of it. If you add children into that mix, it gets even harder to live through it. The worst part is, guys who are guilty of one of these things usually do at least some of the others. For instance, if he's a cheater, he's also gonna lie, there's a big chance you'll sense it so you'll go through trust issues, and he'll resort to manipulation to keep you in a relationship (which, if you pick up on it intuitively but don't listen to your intuition, will make you feel even worse).

So, if you still suffer from the mentality that there's nothing worse for a woman than growing old alone, it's time to rehabilitate yourself. For as long as you fear it, you run the risk of ending up with an asshole.

I'm certain that people subconsciously give off vibes to each other, and you simply won't click with high value men while being desperate to be loved, sorry. You may like them on surface, they may like you too, but it's not gonna work out for as long as there's that air of despair all around you.

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And how did this work out for me? I'll just say that accepting my fear of growing old single was one of the best things I ever did. It healed a lot of really deep wounds (some of which I wasn't even rationally aware of) and it enabled me to meet my now boyfriend (future husband) with whom I have a relationship that's better than anything I ever even hoped for.

So, I know it may sound scary to a lot of girls and women out there, but it's really worth it.