Hey, ladies! I hope you’re enjoying your Sunday. In my city, it’s unseasonably warm, and I plan to soak up all the Vitamin D I can.

I was just praying and reflecting on my life and decisions, particularly in dating, and I wanted to share something I realized about my behavior. Hopefully reading this helps someone.

This year, I decided to do a ‘dating challenge’ with a friend of mine. We were both supposed to go on 10 dates in 10 weeks. We could ask men out (former pickmeisha alert!), and we regarded accepting dates as equal. We used Hinge to help us meet men.

I learned so much in this challenge ladies… And me trying to fight my intuition about one dude and googling for back up is actually how I found r/FDS. So I suppose it was a blessing and a curse. :-)

Alright. So the main thing I realized in my reflection time is that you can passively be a pickmeisha. Let me explain.

I used to think being a pickmeisha just meant asserting yourself in a masculine way: asking men on dates, offering to pay for dates, trying to lead or progress the relationship yourself instead of entering into your feminine energy and letting men pursue you, vetting them as you go. I thought being a pickmeisha was only about taking overt action. But now, I realize you can also give off pickmeisha energy by allowing men to treat you as ‘less than.’

I was thinking about two men I went out with during this challenge time in particular, and I’m going to tell you about one of them to illustrate my point. I’ll call him Mitch.

I never texted Mitch first, asked him out, or reached for my wallet when I was with him. He took me out to eat at some yummy restaurants in our city and was generous with ordering. Great.

But I had a gut feeling after a couple of dates that he lacked the level of interest in me that is acceptable. Fortunately, I have dated a couple of HVM who were deeply invested in me, so I know what it looks like. I knew Mitch didn’t measure up: his communication with me was erratic and he didn’t really disclose personal information on dates. Once he was texting me, and I told him: ‘You are half-interested in me, or unsure of what you want after your broken engagement (he was engaged three years ago), or both.’

To which he responded, ‘How are you so astute?’

Then, he immediately asked me out on three different dates. Instead of cordially closing off our communication, I accepted those dates. And no surprise, ladies, he continued communicating spottily. I think he ghosted me now because he hasn’t texted me in six days (I deleted his number and find this to be a relief, so no problems there).

Here’s the thing: I clearly suspected a lack of appropriate interest and potential personal issues some time ago. To which he readily admitted. But why did I even bother texting a guy that? You know? Like if you think he’s not as into you as you’d like, why are you still sitting at the table? (Or offering him your table? Since we are the table, amirite?).

I think the fact that I stuck around when I clearly had doubts about his interest showed a lack of self-respect. And I think he must be able to see that. When you don’t have a zero tolerance policy for disrespect or disinterest, you devalue yourself. And men can see that you devalue yourself when you do anything other than walk away in response to being treated as ‘less than.’

But I still wanted to go out with him… because he’s cute, and our dates were fun, and I enjoyed being treated, and every excuse under the sun. But you know what? Dating someone I don’t want to date while I wait for someone more interested is being a pickmeisha!

Do I value my time or not? Would I rather be single than with the wrong man or not? Theoretically, yes. But talk is cheap, and I did not demonstrate self-respect with my behavior.

Love you ladies. Thanks for r/FDS and the ability to reflect on my insecurities and desires. Happy Sunday!