I'm not sure if this is best categorized as a field report or initial FDS success or what, but I wanted to share some experiences about how dating is for me now as a newbie to these ideas.

My personal view and assessment of online dating/apps just for myself: my small city is notoriously bad for dating for a whole range of reasons, and so far I find that it's a useful way to connect with people I might otherwise not meet. That's it. There are many men on there who are not my problem, just like in any other area of life. I'm pretty good at presenting myself in a way that makes clear I'm not for everyone, so I don't have a lot of negative experiences in that context.
What I do differently now than I used to:

  • I respond to messages I receive that I appreciate, I don't send first messages. I don't often send a like, and I don't often respond to likes-- sometimes I will invite someone with an interesting profile who liked me to start the chat (Hinge).
  • I don't give the benefit of the doubt. If someone doesn't make clear on their profile that their politics are a general match with mine and that they want a family, they're definitely not my business and I don't interact with them.
  • I sit back, figuratively. I don't lean forward and offer plans or throw open my schedule to anyone. The most "planning" I've done so far was to suggest a nice park to stroll in after brunch to someone who lives in a neighboring town and didn't know the area well.

Outcomes that are new to me:

  • It's just... so relaxing?? To date men who are clear about their interest, who want to be there.
  • Men being happy and proud to pick up the check. In the past, I've been on *coffee dates* where there was somehow still a discussion about who would pay. Usually he still did but it was sometimes a whole thing.
  • They're also asking me out to nice places. Some of that is that I'm in my 30s and I'm clearly financially stable, but even someone with a generally lower paying career than mine invited me to a nicer restaurant than I usually pick.
  • Not feeling at all obligated to keep text conversations going or somehow "keep" his attention. If he's interested, he'll reach out. But I also feel free to get in touch if there's something relevant I want to share, a follow up to something discussed in person or a silly meme, that kind of thing. I feel no desperation or anxiety about it.
  • I don't keep conversations going for the attention. E.g. One man had recently started a new job and seemed to be having trouble offering a clear time for a date, I asked that we put the texting on pause until he knew his schedule. He agreed... I heard from him once to offer "tomorrow or maybe another day", which obviously didn't work for me. Haven't heard from him. Not a problem, seems like he's not in a place to be dating, or at least dating me.

What I think I could still improve on:

  • Not imagining potential futures with people I'm still initially getting to know. I'm not sure if I like this tendency in myself. It does have some utility in that in some cases I realize something I know about their lifestyle will be a problem for me, but it can also build attachment too early.
  • I would like to initially meet people in person more, which is becoming more possible as pandemic life changes and cases go down in my area. In the past this has not lead to anyone actually asking me out, but I'm open to a new experience!

I've been back "out there" for about a month and been on dates with two men. With one, we mutually determined after one date that there wasn't a fit, with the other, I've been on three nice dates and would like to continue getting to know him. My intention is to be multi-dating, which is difficult to do where I live, so my modified goal towards that is to be going out on a date with one new person per month, which seems potentially doable.

I genuinely feared that when I started dating again, everything I've learned and changed would fall away and I would doormat myself for the first man who showed interest in me. So far that's not been true and I continue to be in a whole different headspace!