I am currently a 32-year-old male. As a young child, I was always very active. I would want to climb every tree, playground, and object that I came across. I would bounce off the walls, and it would be hard for me to sit still in class and at home. I have since learned that this is pretty common behavior for boys. And being a father now myself I see it in my son. At the time however my childhood behavior was labeled as ADHD by my mom. My mother was and still is a very feminist woman. She believed gender is socially constructed and that behaviors in boys and girls are the result of socialization and not really nature or biology. Thus, it seems pretty reasonable that if you believe that behavior is socially constructed, and you see your son bouncing off the walls instead of sitting still in class like the girls do, it is a problem to be fixed, rather than a gender difference to be cherished. And thus, that's how it was viewed. I was put on ADHD medication for all of pre-school and elementary school until I moved back in with my dad in middle school / high school, and he took me off the medication since he believed that there was nothing wrong with me and I was just a normal boy.

The above paragraph describes the groundwork. The "lifelong struggles and damage" part of the story is the consequences of that decision. If you don't know, ADHD medication dramatically reduces your appetite. As a child I didn't eat much at all. I still have vivid memories of feeding our cats the food I didn't want to eat when my mom wasn't looking. And more critically - not getting sufficient calories and nutrients in childhood has several life long lasting consequences. It can prevent your body from reaching its genetic potential (reduced height, smaller bone structure, weakened muscle development, weaker ligaments, tendons, and joints, etc.) See North Korean Vs South Korean average height and body compositions for confirmation of this fact.

So how does this impact a boy growing up? I was always the shortest and skinniest kid all through middle and high school. My peers were hitting puberty, and my own puberty was delayed as a result of all the ADHD meds. And you know what happens to the small boys growing up in school. They tend to get picked on, bullied, disrespected, and have difficulty making friends. This was my experience - especially in middle school. I was severely picked on and it hindered my confidence and assertiveness for a long time. It also reduced my trust in people, especially other boys in general.

If that sounds bad enough - well the cherry on top (which still impacts me to this day) are the consequences of that permanently stunted growth in athletics. I began playing football in middle school and continued all through high school (again, because I am a boy and enjoy these activities). I didn't get much playing time as a result of my small size and the fierce competition, however what I have noticed all through my life in this area is that my body is very susceptible to injury. I broke my wrist, hand, dislocated my pinky finger several times (eventually tearing the connecting tendon entirely, requiring surgery to put it back together). I stress fractured a rib bone in my back trying to keep up with the boys in the weight room. I tore my labrum several times on both shoulders, I injured my back several times weightlifting, I eventually found Rugby in college but only was able to play for a couple of seasons for the same story - frequent injuries. One of which was a retorn labrum that was so bad it caused chronic instability and required surgery to fix.

So, what about today? Having to give up contact / collision sports left a big hole in me mentally that I dealt with all through my 20's. When I hit 30, I got to the point where I said screw it, my happiness (or lack thereof from not playing) was more important than avoiding the injuries. So, I am now playing rugby again, but of course I am again dealing with all of the same sorts of injuries (and new ones) as I did in college and high school.

So, there you have it. My struggles with my body size, confidence, assertiveness, athletics, and frequent injuries have been a cascade originating from a decision from my feminist mom thinking that my typical male gendered behavior was a problem to be solved rather than a difference to be cherished and directed in a positive direction. The greatest irony of all - I called myself a “gender-equality” feminist throughout all of my life until I entered my 30's and began to do some self-reflections. It took me until age 32 to realize the dominos in my story.

Don't let anyone tell you that the qualities which make you a man are things to be shunned or problems to be fixed. Be proud of yourselves and hold your heads high boys.

I want to be clear that my mother in my story is my biological aunt who stepped up and adopted me after my biological mom chose heroin over me and left. So, there is no shade on her - she stepped up and raised me, the shade goes on the ideology which informed her decision.