Update - Urgent advice needed

RPcoyote · 2015-11-17T22:27:02+00:00

So what's so urgent about your neeeeeeeeed for advice?

strategos_autokrator · 2015-11-18T09:46:37+00:00

Talk talk talk. It only makes things worse, because she will now not trust your changes.

Big beta mistake.

It is better to demonstrate with actions these things, than to promise them ahead.

Scurvemuch · 2015-11-17T22:29:43+00:00

So you talked to her again?

Good job /s

Go lift and read the side bar

No one is saying dont speak to her... but stop with the feelz

druganswer · 2015-11-17T22:55:57+00:00

Posted in your other thread before I saw this but JESUS - my personal advice only:

Skimmed this but the answer to this is overwhelmingly next her lol IMO - I can see a lot of people saying "you can come back from anything!"

...

"i don't feel like we're together" is so she feels better when she fucks another guy because she "told you we weren't together" Why are you so scared of her drinking? Has she given you reason to not trust?

But while ive been doing this ive also been really controlling tell her who she can and cant hang around and that she cannot drink alcohol when im not around... she needs to be home before midnight... and ive been getting really jealous of her co workers...

You've been setting up boundaries in a super blue pill way. You say "don't do this or I'm going to be mad!" and then she does them and you just cry about it like a bitch.

Anyway, she's giving you a laundry list of reasons she doesn't like you but the one main reason is: she's not attracted to you (of course the one she won't outright say)... Why she's letting you stay over and fuck her occasionally? who knows but I bet it's more because she's a headcase than anything to do with her attraction to you.

I'd do a little snooping on the nights you are supposed to be spending at your parents because I think you'll be able to get peek at her either leaving at random times or chad coming over to rail her. You probably get the calls on the nights he doesn't want to hang out.

Don't listen to a word that comes out of her mouth. These guys are right that she's basically telling you you're not man enough... but if you translate all the bullshit hamster (read her actions), there is absolutely, positively, no way she is not either taking or on the prowl for new dick.

She's probably trying to slowly fade you out because she either feels bad or thinks you're going to kill yourself or something.. she probably sees you as pathetic.

chief_slap_ahoe · 2015-11-18T10:23:52+00:00

Dude your talking a lot. It's time for action.

Countpudyoola · 2015-11-18T14:33:22+00:00

I told her (...) and said not to listen to my words but look at my actions

You know that's not how more do/less talk works, right?

Too much talk and it becomes seeking for approval or praise of what you're going to do. Just stifle it and do it.

The fattest/cream puffiest people I know all crow every time they decide to hit the gym for a week.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-11-18T16:44:13+00:00

It is easier to recover your inner alpha than to turn a Beta into an Alpha but you are determined to make it harder.

Actus Non Verba.

its-iceman · 2015-11-17T22:52:10+00:00

Urgent advice needed urgently!

From your post 24 hours ago, /u/MRPGuy says:

Advice for you is: lift, read the MRP sidebar, implement that reading. Problem solved.

This isn't progress, and you don't need to read into her fucking you. You need to read the sidebar material and learn a lot. When is the last time you lifted?

alphabeta49 · 2015-11-17T22:58:55+00:00

I hope you owning your shit to her didn't include the words "I'm sorry." You are under no obligation to apologize to her. You can state that you understand where you've messed up and that you're going to fix those mistakes. That's all the weakness you're allowed to show her.

Ok, now that you've had your speech (edit: that was probably an emotionally driven dump inspired by all the pump-me-up advice you got in the other thread):

STOP.

TALKING.

Just, stop talking to her. Oh sure, be pleasant, but shallow. Talk about logistics and how nice or terrible the weather is. Be generic and polite, don't be a dick. But be distant. And be distant to work on yourself, not because she needs space or to send a message or any such bullshit. The other thread gave you lots of advice on how to work on yourself.

Not every question she asks needs to be answered with heart-on-the-sleeve honesty. You need to have a life apart from her. Keep some thoughts to yourself. If she pushes the issue, say with a wink, "Some things a man just has to handle on his own" or "I'd rather not share".

said not to listen to my words but look at my actions

So... should she listen to your words or not? Because you just said with words not to listen to your words...

You need to start working on developing your own sense of identity. How often do you ask yourself what your own opinion is or what you truly want in a given situation, without any influence from outside opinions? This will take time and introspection. Maybe take a few days off and go for a solo camping trip. Just think about what YOU want out of life, what YOUR hopes and dreams are, what YOU would like your marriage/career/social life to look like, what YOUR opinion is on the daily minutia... and don't give your brain any space to entertain the possibility of what SHE might think about it all. Get an honest assessment - complete with strengths and weaknesses - from yourself, place your stamp of approval on it, and go from there. Fuck what she thinks. Even the good advice she gives ("you need guy friends") should be discarded and replaced with your own advice in the same vein. It sounds retarded to do it that way, but it'll put you in a more actualized place mentally.

Last thing. In the other post you said:

At this stage she doesn't want to get back or promise that she will stay with me because i keep going back on my word

Do you know what a great solution to this is? Yup, you guessed it. Stop giving your word. Stop talking. See, now that you've said you're going to take the lead in the relationship, she's going to expect lots of blue pill attentiveness at best and bipolarity at worst because that's the pattern you've set. You working on yourself isn't going to look like working on the relationship, so you set yourself up for unnecessary confusion. Stop talking, and you'll do much better.

Sepean · 2015-11-18T15:04:19+00:00

Spoke to my wife last night and in short, owned my shit where ive been letting her down, told her I was going to take the lead with our relationship and said not to listen to my words but look at my actions.

Stop. Talking.

You don't own your shit by telling your wife, you own your shit by doing things differently. You don't tell her you'll lead, you just go ahead and fucking lead. And you topped off this speech by telling her to not listen to your words but look at your actions? The irony...

You said you needed urgent advice in your last thread, people give you good advice and you do this?

It went well and ended up back in my bed with her for the first time in 3 weeks... She told me to not get the wrong idea... she just wants me to get a decent night sleep. Is this a case of watch there actions not their words?

She let you sleep in the same bed but you couldn't have sex, is that what you're saying? You got to give her affection, but you didn't get to fuck her. Yes, this is a case of watch her actions.

Trekneck · 2015-11-18T16:22:04+00:00

The advice you'll get in providing FR's here is the same you should take with your wife. Don't tell us what you're going to do, just do it.

Trust none of what she says and only half of what she does applies just as much to her as it does to you. You've failed as the captain before, telling her your plans only gives her more ammunition to shit test you when you don't follow through.

In your last post you asked her for the "3 things she needs you to do." You didn't need that then and you don't need it now. You know exactly what you need to do.

STFU, sidebar and lift.

She told me to not get the wrong idea... she just wants me to get a decent night sleep.

Don't expect Alpha reactions from beta actions.

Archwinger · 2015-11-17T22:39:29+00:00

I'm going to take the unorthodox approach here. Flood everything. Flush out the rats.

Lift weights, do your own shit, ignore your wife, go out and meet other women, and fuck someone else. Someone younger and cuter. Let your wife find out.

If she's cheating on you, she'll shrug, you two get divorced, but that's where you were heading anyway. Now you know.

If she's not, she'll realize she completely misjudged you, lose her shit, and start freaking out on you. Ride the wave, blow up her shit tests, and you might possibly get things back on track. If you really want to.

Honestly, after what she's done and what you've gone along with, I think your marriage is beyond saving. You might have been able to do something earlier, but by this point, you're pretty done. You really should be talking to a lawyer instead of us, working on minimizing your exposure, hitting the gym, making some guy friends, and meeting other girls. Your marriage is pretty much done. Your wife even thinks so.

EvoPsychle · 2015-11-17T22:38:19+00:00

Sounds like progress. Are you asking if you should put the moves on her? Only if you can handle a hard 'no' with solid frame. If you fail it could set you back.

Title	Update - Urgent advice needed
Author	envious1986
Upvotes	0
Comments	41
Date	November 17, 2015 10:21 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/3t7s8d/update_urgent_advice_needed/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/update-urgent-advice-needed.207894 https://theredarchive.com/post/207894

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